Hope I'll be the last diary I'll ever write

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
They say I'm lucky. I was saved by doctors from death from my malformed heart and because my parents noticed I was ever trying to catch my breath.
My mother noticed soon brother was abusing me and didn't shy away
Adults always kept an eye on me because they knew I wasn't doing fine
And so...

Lucky lucky lucky lucky.
I say it to myself too.
I'm not lucky

I suffering all the time from the beginning. I can't keep living like that it's too painful. I'm exhausted and sad.

Keep fighting. But for what ? If I want to stop having to fight ?
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
Not sure it's a English word. Well I'm more like watching things and thinking like enjoying present time and smile at people . I can't deal with that much pain all the time
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
Like people said about 3 fuking times I was lucky but it really upset me a lot. I now can't stand anymore people calling me lucky no matter the reason why. Not sure it can be considerate as a trigger but it definitely broke me inside if someone call me like that. If I'm actually am please punish me to not appreciate it by killing me because at least I would be dead.

Each time I'm a bit hight and can look below I want to fall and die or I'm afraid I could jump. Not having a balcony in my new appartement was a relief because it means one less temptation for me. Balcony ever were my favorite way and it was my first suicide plan. I was 7.

Seriously I can't understand I could have already be suicidal at seven because "it wasn't THAT bad"
I remember joking smiling having fun around this time but then I also remember wanting to kill myself at 7. I can't make a complete image from this two extrems. They're just two separate people for me
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
This is Pakku. Pakku is the best thing that ever happened in my whole life (thing not person). Pakku is my confident, my caregiver, my friend, the one comforting me after a string emotion and supporting me during sleep. He's the best and something that can't get remplaced (well if I ever found another Pakku I would buy two more of them so I can make sure he'll be here for long) but Pakkus are very important to me and a necessity.

I haven't him for about a day and having him back make me want to never be separated from him anymore.
 

Attachments

  • 20220630_172814.jpg
    20220630_172814.jpg
    1.4 MB · Views: 7

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
While I've been suicidal since I was 7, I was trying to kill myself twice and this two times i wasn't even about to actually do permanent damage to myself. First I took like two pills instead one and the guy in emergency call just advise that taking too hight dosage could damage my kidney at some point I'm the futur
The second I was in the edge of the balcony... In what American people call the second floor.
If I actually jumped I would probably just break a leg.
Constant suicidal thoughts and ideation don't meet my for myself criteria of someone suicidal. I can't help but think about someone hearing that saying : stop calling yourself suicidal you didn't really attempt it !
 
Top