Hopelessness Washing Over Me

[catjudo]

No secret that I've been struggling with depression for months. I've had my ups and downs, mood swings, suicidal thoughts, but tried to stay focused on the fact that I was working with my psychiatrist and we've been through this before and we would find an answer. He kept reassuring me that we were on the right track and things would get better.

Finally a few days ago he admitted he's not sure what is left to try at this point. I've backed down to just my AD (Effexor XR...it's a real bitch to get off of unless we're certain that's the route to take). Seems stupid to even be taking it given how low I feel, kind of like what's the point. But I do still believe that if it weren't for the AD I would be in an even worse state. Asked me to hang in there a couple more weeks having removed the other medications from my system, until my next appointment, he'll do some brainstorming and reading and we'll come up with a new plan then. The idea of feeling like this for even two more weeks seems like an eternity. The reality is it will be more than two weeks...that's just until we come up with another plan, then time to see if that works and adjust accordingly if still necessary. How long can a person continue to put on their mask and be strong regardless of how low and desperate they are feeling?

My psychiatrist offered up the idea of me seeking a second opinion from another psychiatrist. I'm pretty sure this was just his response to me stating that I didn't think even he knew what to do with my situation anymore. My statement wasn't one of distrust but one of hopelessness. I flat out asked him if he wanted me to find another doctor and he stated that was not the case but wanted me to feel like I was getting all the help possible and he didn't have another suggestion at the moment. I've seen this doctor for over seven years. He has consistently seen me through difficult times and kept me from inpatient hospitalization when that was my norm before being his patient. I reminded him of this, along with misdiagnosing and poor med management before being his patient and told him I would go without treatment and completely unmedicated before I would let another doctor change my medication. He understood and attempted to reassure me that we would work this out and things would get better.

Regardless of the highs and lows I've experienced over the past months; regardless of how non-responsive my symptoms have been to medication and therapy, I've managed to convince myself to keep some hope. I'm losing that ability. I know my daughter needs me but not if I'm going to continue like this. Not if there isn't any hope that things will improve. I'm working with my psychologist. I'm working with my psychiatrist. I'm doing all that I'm capable of right now. I'm doing all that they ask of me.

I'm at a beach condo this week for my daughter's spring break. It's not helping my mood...not hurting, but not helping. I need a break from being a parent and having to take care of anyone other than myself. Too bad that no such thing exists when you're a single mom in a family full of abusive people. No one else to take care of my daughter, not to mention it would freak her out...and I would be scared that admitting I need that kind of help would put me in jeopardy of losing my daughter forever and god only knows who would take care of her then.

I've considered booking a flight to Denver to visit my best friend; leaving my daughter with her and coming home alone. She is the person set to be her legal guardian if anything were to ever happen to me...her father is not supposed to be able to get custody of her. Then I think and realize that my daughter would be devastated for life if she were to lose me and be taken from all of her family/friends to have to live with her Aunt Shell forever. I know it's not the answer. I don't want to do anything to hurt my daughter. It's just getting harder and harder.

Hopeless is such a dark and enveloping feeling. I want to do the right thing for my daughter. Harder and harder to do. Need some hope. Need a solution.

 

[kers]

Cat, I hear ya. Hopelessness is a dark and desperate place to be. I wish I had a solution or an answer or something to do that would give you (and me) hope. I do try to find it in the smallest things in my life, like getting a good cup of coffee or taking a minor risk. When I look at the 'big picture,' it is quite daunting and I feel pretty desperate, but focusing on the little picture helps some.

I am glad you are working with your treaters. Sometimes all we can do is put one foot in front of the other. I think remembering how important you are to your daughter is a good thing. You are the most important person in her life.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Cat, I had hoped that the beach would have helped to improve your depression. I'm sorry it hasn't. If the Effexor isn't working to keep the depression at bay, then why hasn't your Psychiatrist tried a different AD??? Just my opinion, but I think if a med isn't working, then it's time to try a different one.

I too, am still struggling with depression, but thankfully it hasn't gotten to feeling hopelessness yet. I have been there and it's a scary place to be.... Try to hang onto whatever hope that you have, and hang onto knowing that your daughter needs you.....

 

[catjudo]

He hasn't changed the Effexor yet because over the years I've tried so many different ones and historically it has (unfortunately) been the one to give me the best results. Up to this point he's felt like this hasn't been ALL depression based and that it was a matter of feeling anxious/overwhelmed and was trying to supplement the Effexor with other medications. I know it doesn't sound ideal, but it is what has worked for me in the past during my worst/most desperate times. I know that at this point he is considering switching ADs but is trying to make the decision very carefully. In the meantime I stay on the Effexor because I do agree with him that I'm getting something from it and that's better than nothing. Not to mention, coming off of it is such a bitch, better not to jump into that mess until we've come up with our plan for what I'll try in its place. If I'm only feeling miserable from Effexor withdrawal, no or less AD so the depression worsens and I don't have something to hold onto in my mind (knowing that I'm starting medication x and I just have to give it some time to take effect) I think the hopelessness would only worsen and I'd be in an even worse place.

Does that all sound as stupid as it seems? Just trying to keep from things getting even worse before we have a new plan to improve my situation.

 

[anni]

Hi Cat,

I'm sorry it's so awful. I don't think that sounds stupid at all. I only went off that dam Lorazapam once, and that was hellish enough when not having the dreck of depression.

I just wished to say that it sounds like you have a lovely psychiatrist, and a professional who genuinely cares an awful lot. That isn't always the case, I know. In reading your post, it just occured to me that perhaps he only offered up the idea of a 2nd opinion just to have a fresh perspective on your case. I know these professionals are thought to have these huge egos and don't wish to be thought not to know everything but I've seen that the really good ones tend to put their 'feelers out' and don't have that perspective at all. I know my son has a pediatric migraine condition and sees a really top-flight pediatric neuro. She was baffled by something, asked permission to call in a colleague, got another perspective and was off and running again, so to speak. The real scholars and scientists in their fields know these fields are just so vast that they don't seem to assume they have all the answers.

I used to worry all the time what would happen to my daughter if I were not here. Her father would have gotten her at some point and he was a violent alcoholic. His family is the same. He died but I'm still protecting her from them to some extent and she's almost 19. It kept me here, though, as a bottom line. She's ok, too, and a happy little over-achiever finishing freshman year in college. I used to think well, I'll just hang on until she's in college, then she'll be ok without me but it's not true. She wouldn't be.

Take care of yourself as much as you can,

Anni

 

[catjudo]

Anni--I am very fortunate to have a wonderful psychiatrist. In hindsight, I know that his idea of a second opinion was only in search of another perspective, especially because I was expressing frustration that he didn't know how to help me. He is definitely not a super-ego kind of doc. In the moment, already feeling depressed and hopeless, his suggestion of another opinion struck me as him trying to get rid of me as a patient. We immediately worked that out before we even ended the phone call. I know it is just me being overly sensitive at the moment. The truth is, I don't have a problem with him consulting other professionals (which I know he will do in the next couple of weeks) but the idea of me having to go to a new psychiatrist and start my story from the beginning along with a list of every med and combination that I've ever tried is just way more than I can handle. I can only foresee another psychiatrist making recommendations that are things we've already tried and I just don't have the patience to deal with that, especially not knowing what type of psychiatrist I'd be dealing with. They don't all have the lack of ego that my doc does. They aren't all willing to work WITH me rather than just tell me what to do and get pissed if I try to explain why that isn't a great suggestion for me.

I know I have to be here for my daughter. I know to think otherwise is selfish on my part. Like I said earlier, I really need a break from having to be a mom but no such thing exists. Admitting that to anyone, even my psychologist or psychiatrist brings with it the fear that it would set off a chain of events that would make someone thing I'm incapable of caring for my daughter in general and losing her permanently. Am I starting to sound like a broken record? Sorry! I also know that without my daughter around, I would allow myself to just completely seclude myself from the world and other people and this would only make things worse.

I'm going to try to do my best not to be on here constantly whining. The idea of two more weeks before we try to change things; two more weeks before there is even a possibility of improvement just seems like TOO much to handle. I've been doing this for months and there hasn't been improvement. Don't really think that whatever my doc comes up with in the next two weeks is going to make any real difference either.

I don't want to sound like I'm whining on and on about the same thing. Just that in this holding pattern, hopelessness is just becoming bigger and don't know how to get out of it.

Sorry for all the whining.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Shit cat, if you are whining, then almost everyone of the forum is guilty of it too, myself included. It's how you get out how you feel, how you don't feel, and every other GD emotion that you are feeling.

I do understand the not wanting to come off Effexor, I hear it's a bitch of an AD to come off of. I came off of Cymbalta(cold turkey) about 3 years ago, and prayed for death, so I don't wish it on anyone.

Is it the time of year that's bothering you, has there been a trigger, some kind of upheaval in your life lately that has caused the surge in symptoms???? Just thinking out loud, I guess...You're still here, you're still hanging in there, so that is a huge positive... Keep your chin up, and go hug your daughter, and then build a sand castle.....

 

[catjudo]

Yeah, I've come off of Effexor more than once and it is a living hell. I'm willing to do it because I don't think it is being effective for me right now, but not until I have another plan in place. This time of year does not usually seem to be a trigger. I am facing some some very significant life decisions right now. To stay in the home we're in; try to buy a house but stay in the same general area we're currently living; move closer to my parents and buy a home there. Way too many details involved in each decision to go through the pros and cons of each. It is weighing heavy and I'm trying to make the decision that is best for both my daughter and me. I'm running out of time to make the decision. I think this has been a big factor in the anxiety/overwhelmed arena. It's not the only factor effecting myt current mood and situation but definitely significant issue.

I guess as far as the whining thing...I hate, online or IRL, when people complain about the same thing over and over again but never seem to do anything about it to change the situation. I kind of foresee that being my situation for the next couple of weeks. Complaining about the way that I'm feeling without doing anything real to try to change it. I'm doing what my doc said, but he's asking me to just give it a couple of weeks to come up with a new plan. Don't want to seem like someone who is whining but not willing to do something to change the situation.

Thanks to all of you for your continued kind thoughts and supportive words. I really need them right now.

 

[anni]

Oh my, it's not whining. I think whining is those people who are determined to just sit in their misery and let everyone know how awful things are without having the slightest intention of doing anything about it. Whiners, if you notice, generally don't seem to have much of a 'real' problem, either. We have one in our family, and in exasperation have dubbed her 'Euyore'. That's that donkey character from Winnie the Pooh who 'woe-is-me-everything-is-awful' s all over everyone. Maybe you feel like a whiner but BOY if you could get a look at our Euyore I promise you'd see the vast difference.

You're speaking from the heart about your pain so it seems to me that at the very least, health-wise, you're not keeping 'it' in and making things feel even worse, if possible. That's just what it seems like when i've been that far down with no dam ladder, and is the only perspective I know to use as a comparison.

I also know how hard it is to just plain be here. I know how much worse it makes you feel to stigmatize yourself with the word 'selfish' when you think about not being here any more for your daughter. It might be one way of looking at it, but it ends up being another stick to beat yourself up with, you know? I can only speak from where me head ended up being able to function from, but it was from a place where it's just the best thing for all my kids if I am here and I want the best for them. It wasn't me who got that thought process going, of course. My therapist completely allowed the feelings then slowly ( and I just don't remember how he pulled it out of my head) helped me torque the perspective enough so at least I wasn't adding to the depression with quite so much self dislike.Please don't for a moment think that's critism-I have an awful lot of moments where I just hate 'me'. You seem so kind and well intentioned and determined to get through these awful feelings that anyone reading our posts has to know you're just not a selfish person.

I was lucky in having meds that worked finally, although that took awhile. Zoloft for some reason is what finally made the sky start to turn blue again. It must be so frustrating for our professionals to have to figure out what is going to work on their patients when everyone is so obviously hugely different chemically. My eldest son has an anxiety disorder which used to kick in around finals, but even a low dose Zoloft made him more anxious AND depressed. I'm sorry you have the hellish period of coming off yours to go through. I don't mean to sound hokey, but there's going to be something out there that will get the sky blue again.

Take care, ok? :) That's an encouraging smile, not a funny one. I know nothing probably seems at all smiley at the moment.

Anni