havingfaithinthedark
New Here
So this is my first post. I am the supporter in this relationship. My husband has ptsd and I have known about it when we married. I was no stranger to PTSD as I know a few friends that have and deal with it in the military. I have learned to just sit back and be there for him when he needed me.
Well two and a half months ago my husband had a really bad episode where he hit bottom and hit bottom hard. I saw the difference in him when he came home and asked him if everything was OK and he said no I just want to be alone and so I did leave him be and went to our room to read. Later that evening I had gotten a text on my phone saying I am crying and I don't know why I can't stop. He started to downward spin and from there he was lost questioning everything in life, the kids, his job, us, and everything.
He came into the bedroom that night and hugged me and said I don't know what is happening and why I am feeling this way but please know you mean the world to me and I love you so much and I hope that you are still around by the time I figure this out. The next day was the hardest ever because he was just a person in a shell sitting on the couch wanting nothing to do with anyone and to help cope he had started drinking more and to also help sleep and stop dreams.
This went on for about a week and he started to get what we will say is a little better. He wanted to be loved by just the dogs as he started to open up, and then after a few weeks he started opening up to the children and honestly I am so grateful for that because I hated telling them daddy wasn't feeling well and he would be better soon, but the fact that he told me that was eating at him was that he could not find those feelings of love for me. He put it this way I love you and right now it is as a friend. I am not in love with you and that bothers me the most because the day before all this happen I was so in love with you and you were everything.
So as weeks have gone on I messed up by "trying" to help and in my blind effort I was smothering him and only pushing him away. And yes as all in times like this tension has ran high and we both have said mean things to each other but there were a few times where I said I couldn't do it anymore but then would regroup and find that strength again to not take things personal.
I would be lying if I said this past month hasn't been that bad. It by far is the worst and it has gotten to the point to where we are not living in the same house right now because we just can't.
This whole time he has just wanted me to leave him alone so he can clear his head and there were days I would do that but then there are days I just wanted my husband back and would push him to be there for me. I would undo any progress we were making together. So that is one of the main reasons he is out of the house right now. He is getting help again.
He went for 2 weeks and it did help but stopped because work. He is now going back and I have pretty much stop having contact with him which is so hard. The hardest thing wanting to help him and be there for him when right now I can't help him he has to do this alone and I am finally seeing that.
The thing is it may be too late to save our marriage. I am getting help to cope with what is going on. I am hoping that in time and after we both get the help for the issues we are facing that maybe he will be willing to want to work on us and we can get help for that together. He is going to be away for the next month and he said we will see where we are at and how I am and figure out from there.
He never once said I want a divorce until a week ago and that is because in the times I was lost I said I have to go I am done and the last time a week ago I gave back my wedding rings and said we need help, I need help, you need help and I can't be married to you anymore unless we both get help. That was the hardest thing to do and I know it crushed him.
I have learned I do not wish PTSD on anyone. I also wish I could go back in time to the day before and tell myself to get ready for the fight of your life don't give up and support him and listen to what he ask. He knows what he needs not you, and enjoy this day as much as you can and maybe kiss and love on him a little more because it’s going to be a while if ever again you will be able to do that again with him.
So this is my short version of the story. I have read many different stories seeing I am not alone in this. Some have good outcomes others don't and I know that there has to come a time when you say enough is enough and I am not to that point. I have come to the point of saying time apart to rebuild the broken us is what we need. The only thing that is unknown and will be known with time was this the best thing to do for both of us. I try to look at it as if he decides he wants to walk away I have to let him go, because it’s so unhealthy fighting and doing the crazy cycle for both of us.
The only thing I wish I could get him to see that I too am trying and it is hard, but that can't happen because he is going through something I will never understand and is dealing with that.
I have wrote him a letter explaining why I love being married to him and why I have always said he is my hero and sealed it up in an envelope and told him to open it up and read it when he was ready. He isn't just my hero because he has stepped in as a wonderful father for my children or because he serves in the service, but because he has been asked to do things that can't be repeated, seen things no one should see, and give up that peace of mind and relives those memories from time to time all because he wanted to protect the country he loves. He gave up pieces of himself that can never be returned for invisible scares that heal over time but reopen with no warring.
Well two and a half months ago my husband had a really bad episode where he hit bottom and hit bottom hard. I saw the difference in him when he came home and asked him if everything was OK and he said no I just want to be alone and so I did leave him be and went to our room to read. Later that evening I had gotten a text on my phone saying I am crying and I don't know why I can't stop. He started to downward spin and from there he was lost questioning everything in life, the kids, his job, us, and everything.
He came into the bedroom that night and hugged me and said I don't know what is happening and why I am feeling this way but please know you mean the world to me and I love you so much and I hope that you are still around by the time I figure this out. The next day was the hardest ever because he was just a person in a shell sitting on the couch wanting nothing to do with anyone and to help cope he had started drinking more and to also help sleep and stop dreams.
This went on for about a week and he started to get what we will say is a little better. He wanted to be loved by just the dogs as he started to open up, and then after a few weeks he started opening up to the children and honestly I am so grateful for that because I hated telling them daddy wasn't feeling well and he would be better soon, but the fact that he told me that was eating at him was that he could not find those feelings of love for me. He put it this way I love you and right now it is as a friend. I am not in love with you and that bothers me the most because the day before all this happen I was so in love with you and you were everything.
So as weeks have gone on I messed up by "trying" to help and in my blind effort I was smothering him and only pushing him away. And yes as all in times like this tension has ran high and we both have said mean things to each other but there were a few times where I said I couldn't do it anymore but then would regroup and find that strength again to not take things personal.
I would be lying if I said this past month hasn't been that bad. It by far is the worst and it has gotten to the point to where we are not living in the same house right now because we just can't.
This whole time he has just wanted me to leave him alone so he can clear his head and there were days I would do that but then there are days I just wanted my husband back and would push him to be there for me. I would undo any progress we were making together. So that is one of the main reasons he is out of the house right now. He is getting help again.
He went for 2 weeks and it did help but stopped because work. He is now going back and I have pretty much stop having contact with him which is so hard. The hardest thing wanting to help him and be there for him when right now I can't help him he has to do this alone and I am finally seeing that.
The thing is it may be too late to save our marriage. I am getting help to cope with what is going on. I am hoping that in time and after we both get the help for the issues we are facing that maybe he will be willing to want to work on us and we can get help for that together. He is going to be away for the next month and he said we will see where we are at and how I am and figure out from there.
He never once said I want a divorce until a week ago and that is because in the times I was lost I said I have to go I am done and the last time a week ago I gave back my wedding rings and said we need help, I need help, you need help and I can't be married to you anymore unless we both get help. That was the hardest thing to do and I know it crushed him.
I have learned I do not wish PTSD on anyone. I also wish I could go back in time to the day before and tell myself to get ready for the fight of your life don't give up and support him and listen to what he ask. He knows what he needs not you, and enjoy this day as much as you can and maybe kiss and love on him a little more because it’s going to be a while if ever again you will be able to do that again with him.
So this is my short version of the story. I have read many different stories seeing I am not alone in this. Some have good outcomes others don't and I know that there has to come a time when you say enough is enough and I am not to that point. I have come to the point of saying time apart to rebuild the broken us is what we need. The only thing that is unknown and will be known with time was this the best thing to do for both of us. I try to look at it as if he decides he wants to walk away I have to let him go, because it’s so unhealthy fighting and doing the crazy cycle for both of us.
The only thing I wish I could get him to see that I too am trying and it is hard, but that can't happen because he is going through something I will never understand and is dealing with that.
I have wrote him a letter explaining why I love being married to him and why I have always said he is my hero and sealed it up in an envelope and told him to open it up and read it when he was ready. He isn't just my hero because he has stepped in as a wonderful father for my children or because he serves in the service, but because he has been asked to do things that can't be repeated, seen things no one should see, and give up that peace of mind and relives those memories from time to time all because he wanted to protect the country he loves. He gave up pieces of himself that can never be returned for invisible scares that heal over time but reopen with no warring.
