How A Family Can Be A Cult

[Ronin]

I think what comes in play here is also coping style.

Totally seeing it in threads with you @shimmerz a lot of times - you seem to be helped by comparisons, quite a lot.

I'm the opposite in that: if the thing isn't exactly MY thing, coming from the same background, or from a different background but related not just tangentially, but in practical experience? It's absolutely not going to help me get anywhere in recovery. I need the thing to be the exact stuff I'm looking for, or else it's not going to do much for me.

Seems to me we're different, you see the piece of something rather far away and it helps you leap from where you are, or fit into where you are, in which more power to you :D

 

[scout86]

Cults & Abusive Families are the same!

I'm not sure that article says that they're the same,though. Just similar. And things can have some things in common without being the same. (I actually thought kindergarten was similar to prison. I was someplace I didn't want to be, with people I didn't want to be with, and I couldn't leave.)

Seems to me we're different,

I think you're dead on. And I think that probably happens a lot, with a lot of members in a lot of topics. Which brings us back to the old "take what's useful and leave the rest" thing.

 

[shimmerz]

you seem to be helped by comparisons, quite a lot.

Yes, for reasons far and beyond people here know. And it is helpful to me and HAS helped me greatly along the way to put pieces together as to how to heal and how to move forward. I know what I need in order to get to where I need, which is why I thank everyone at the end to let them know how helpful things have been.

I don't expect that everyone understand why I need to make the comparisons but I do. Thank you for noticing and well put Ronin.

 

[joeylittle]

This thread makes me think of the film Dogtooth.

...a 2009 Greek film directed by Yorgos Lanthimos about a husband and wife who keep their children ignorant of the world outside their property well into adulthood.

Dogtooth (film) - Wikipedia

I have not seen it, though I'd like to. The plot synopsis on the wiki link is a disturbing read - but it, to me, reflects the kind of mind control and invention of legend that would be at play in a family operating as a cult, and not specifically claiming to be rooted in any religion.

The adherence to a unique philosophy, belief system, etc. is what keeps striking me as most relevant.

 

[shimmerz]

The adherence to a unique philosophy, belief system, etc. is what keeps striking me as most relevant.

Yes, and I believe that changing my behaviour in all of this.... recognizing that fighting the cult mentality just wraps me in the barbed wire even more so, is a good lesson for me here.

I have had some great input here. I have spent much of this year disengaging from the dynamic. And the thought is (as I will be visiting at the end of January), to keep myself in an observer role and to be curious about how things play out while I am there.

My youngest child has broken free (the one that works for himself) and he is suffering right now. I will let him come to his own conclusions and will not provide input as to the dynamic he is in. That seems best and safest for me as well as a more authentic process for him given the situation. My end goal is being able to interact in a meaningful way with my grandchildren in their lives. It has taken a long time for me to even entertain the idea of not completely turning my back on all of them. And much of that has come from my youngest pain in all of this.

I thank all of you who wished me well in this, have supported me, and helped by sharing their experiences/thoughts/ideas.

JL, I will definitely check that movie out. Thanks for the reference to it.

 

[hodge]

My mother led our family in ways similar to how a cult operates. We had to behave, speak and feel in every way in compliance with her or else there would be hell to pay. If we didn't agree with something she said, no matter how minor, we "didn't care about family" and were "selfish." Even simply going to a store with her and not liking an item she liked would prompt her to literally cause a public scene berating me loudly and accusing me of all kinds of crazy things. I spent years in therapy getting "unbrainwashed." I am not going so far as to call this a cult, but certainly there are similarities. Abusive behavior and power-mongering borne of insecurity.

 

[anonymous]

Yes, it's absolutely cult-like. It was very difficult for me to break out, my mother still kept coming after me, even a solicitor letter hasn't stopped her ringing me on my birthday this year. It's eight years now. I don't think she will ever give up. And, currently, as I'm rather unwell, I feel myself wanting to go back to her, for.. Protection.. Security.. Nursing? What the hell?! I still feel "programmed" by her after all this time. And she is absolutely "god" - everyone else adores her and does whatever she desires and demands.

I feel absolutely lost without her at times and find myself crying - alot. It's almost more painful to be without her than with her. I wish I knew how to stop the pain. It hurts so much.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

.

It's eight years now. I don't think she will ever give up. And, currently, as I'm rather unwell, I feel myself wanting to go back to her, for.. Protection.. Security.. Nursing? What the hell?! I still feel "programmed" by her after all this time.

That's not being "programmed" by her but a human need of a mother's saftey and nurturing. I went through that when my mom died and it was a crazy feeling as she was a cult leader, why would I want her to hold me? My therapist says that it is a human need that never really goes away, really, only worked through and understanding that you cannot gain that through her. But, per my therapist, it isn't "programming" but a human thing.

I don't mean to invaildate you. Only trying to explain that I also have that want & need and it's normal.

 

[scout86]

it is a human need that never really goes away,

Sometimes it actually goes away. But, I think you're right, most people are hard wired to 'feel' something for their early caregivers.

 

[Leighlee87]

I haven't stopped to read everyone else's comments so I apologize if what I say is repetitive in nature. My home life was very abusive and dysfunctional. I live in a small community, which apparently has a cult. My therapist told me that she has worked a lot with young people who have escaped the cult and that my experience seems to be very similar to what they are going through. So yes, the two can be very, very similar depending on the type of abuse and environment you were subjected to.

 

[maurybrooks]

I have heard that an Amish young adult who is not willing to follow all the customs is kicked out of the family and community at 18.

 

[maurybrooks]

It is interesting what people will accuse of being a cult. In 1984 I was involved in a year long personal transformation program and yes it was about releasing us from our family and religious patterns which did not support us. My mom was sure I was in a cult. When invited to come join me in a private session she would not. My Dad was willing to. Her manipulative ways were threatened by me being in this program.