How A Person Emotional Blackmails People

[simplekindofgirl]

And what if you must answer yes to all of them?

This book is so enlightening, yet the validation is terrifying at the same time.

 

[Sandra]

From the same book.

To insulate ourselves against having our hot buttons activated, we develop a number of specific personality traits. They're so much a part of us that it may not be appapent at first that they're defenses against what we fear. But as we look at them more closely, you'll see that all deeply related to our hot buttons. Ironically, it is these protective qualities that open us up to emotional blackmail. They are:

An excessive need for approval

An intense fear of anger

A need for peace at any price

A tendency to take too much responsibilty for other people's lives

A high level of self doubt

None of these traits is harmful in moderation. In fact, some are viewed as positive, and ever rewarded, when they're not taken to extremes. But when they control us and go to war with the intelligent, confident, assertive and thoughtful parts of ourselves, we're setting ourselves up for major manipulation.

As we examine these traits and behavioural styles they give rise to, notice how much of the target's behaviour is actually a response to feelings from the past. Notice, too, how often targets are betrayed by the very responses they believe will protect them.

 

[Sandra]

And what if you must answer yes to all of them?

By the sounds of it the more the worst off the relationship is.

 

[soulofLC]

I knew I was in deep with my son; this information is so validating. My first al-anon meeting is tonight.

 

[Loloma]

A lot of reasons too is the abused usually doesn't know how to deal with their abuser in the right manner. As they haven't been taught the ways to deal with their crap.

Dead right, as an abused child we are conditioned to take the crap that is heaped upon us. We don't know any better as that becomes our normality. As an adult we automatically accept it again from our abuser, even though a part of us know it is wrong, however as Sandra said we don't know how to stop or change it.

The back handed comments such as your too fat, thin etc. Or if I tried to pick you up I'd break my back haha. I don't find you sexually attractive anymore as was in my case, did so much damage. It was him who had the sexual problem which he made my problem. This was until I pulled the pin and off he went to find the next victim. The only way I could hurt him was to take away his power and control over me.

He wanted us to be best friends after everything he had done to me. I broke off all contact with him and filed for divorce, requesting alimony. For the first time in his life he now has to face up to his responsibly caused by his own actions.

 

[Sandra]

Another good way to stop a person from spewing their poison onto their victim, An example:

By saying I'd like you to stop treating me like a child or whatever nasty thing they are saying. And keep repeating it till they shut their foul mouth. That proves you aren't listening to anything else they have to say plus they will get sick of hearing it so they will usually shut up then.

 

[ronnalee]

And all my sisters and brothers were conditioned to hate my by my parents. Their personalities were murdered.

Oh I remember growing up, my sister always felt huge guilt, regardless of whether she was legitimately wrong or misbehaving. Your words sound so tough and reveal so much hurt. I feel my heart empathizing.

 

[ronnalee]

It makes the abuser feel even more powerful

This feeds the monster and further causes the victim unbelievable pain, psychic pain I call it.

 

[Nicolette]

Not all people are rational and able to be negotiated with. Be careful is all I say.

Agreed. I have just had to deal with a client who just wants to fight, abuse and attack. Nothing said or done can be rationalized with them as they are convinced their view is correct and the only communication they know is force, attack and threats.

I have found the best way to actually stop these people is actually ignore them and remove yourself emotionally. Any response from you is an opportunity for a further attack. With no response there is nothing they can do. If you do say anything to them, I have found only say what is extremely relevant and then end the discussion and follow through on anything you say you will do as a result of their actions to you (don't make empty threats as that is what they live by). The will only sit up when there is action which means following through and ignoring all their nonsense.

 

[ms spock]

I am so glad that you put your experience in Nicolette because it is dangerous to think that if you are positive with a good attitude then things will be okay. Maybe in the Brady Bunch or in classic Hollywood Narrative but
real life means dealing with some curly ones.

 

[ms spock]

From the same book.
An excessive need for approval
An intense fear of anger
A tendency to take too much responsibilty for other people's lives
A high level of self doubt

Approval for me means the illusion of control to stop the traumatic events.

The fear of anger is the fear of death.

Taking responsibility for my sisters and brothers was saving their lives.

I find, too, that aspects of the ptsd open me up a bit as well.
The panic attacks and anxiety mean I often doubt myself.

Disassociation about the situation means I don't always stop contact like Nicolette talks about just above this post.

I watched a documentary once where the psychopath was asked to watch about 15-20 seconds of a whole range of women walking. The psychopath was able to tell which women had been attacked, raped or somesuch in that amount of time. Thus doing some form of Tai Chi or martial arts, belly dancing or yoga might be important to repattern your body so you aren't identifiable as a target.

My apologies, I can't remember the name of the documentary but it made
my blood run cold at the time. I have spoken about this to my psychriatrist
at length.

ms spock

 

[ThinkFeelBe]

THANK YOU this taught me alot. I have used some of it in my post to talk about my experience. I didnt even realise some of the things being done were wrong.