How Am I Supposed To Figure Out What I Want?

[sun seeker]

I don't know how to explain this so it makes sense. So far, no one in my life understands what I mean when I try to talk about this, or how big it is. I get a lot of blank looks.

I need to find some new directions for work, and it's just incredibly hard for me. I've done so many different things for work, most of it short term and informal. My skill set is extremely varied, but I don't have a whole lot of experience in most of those things. There are a bunch of problems restricting my choices: repetitive strain injury, back pain and migraines, and insomnia making it hard to commit to anything in the mornings are the physical ones, and then there are the emotional ones, some of which are just too weird to ever admit to an employer or even to an employment counselor. Fear of authority figures of all kinds makes it hard to work at anything too formal. I get so overwhelmed so easily, anything high-stress or full-time is definitely out. The hardest one for anyone to understand is the level of fear I experience in situations where I am responsible for the safety of others. I have an exponentially magnified sense of responsibility and get into a state that's really hard to describe, where I don't know how much is a reasonable safety precaution and how much is paranoia. It affects my physical health. As a stopgap measure sometimes I clean houses for people. You wouldn't think that would be a highly stressful job, but for me it is. If I wrote out the fearful thoughts I can go through in just a few hours about the potential hazards involved and what I feel I need to do to make sure my clients are safe, no one would believe it. It would read like an absurd comedy. Yet to me it is very real. The possibility of hurting someone by my negligence triggers blind terror for me. I'm not even sure why exactly. I did have a fleeting memory of why it might be, and there are persistent body memories that go with it, but I can't quite bring myself to believe any of it. Anyway, the fear is very real and makes things most people would think are simple and straightforward very complicated and stressful. I can make up for that fear to some degree by working with nice people who in and of themselves don't stress me too much. But responsibility coupled with an unsympathetic boss? Bad combination. I quit one job because I was starting to feel like I would get an ulcer.

Then there is the extreme fear of approaching people to sell my services. Low self esteem, I guess. I can do a little of it under pressure, but it takes more out of me than anyone ever knows.

So anyway, I have this great chance I posted about a couple of days ago. There is an employment program I'm signed up for that starts in April, which is all about finding new directions and getting advice about how to put them into practice. The thing is, I strongly feel I need to work on coming up with some ideas before I get to that point, because otherwise I'll either go there and sit blankly having no idea how to make a decision, or else let the coordinator push me into something that isn't right for me. I'm sure they'll have exercises for helping people figure it out, but I'm a hard case. This kind of thing isn't new to me. I've read books and participated in groups for discovering what you want to do with your life, and found I have issues that go far beyond the scope of any of them.

Besides what I've already said, I just don't know how to figure out what I want to do, or could stand to do even. Because I don't know who I am. I've reinvented myself so darn many times to fit in, to please others, to try to understand myself. I don't know what is real about me. If I'm with back-to-the-land hippie types, I can be that. Intellectuals? I can use polysyllabic words and discuss classic works with the best of them. New Age types? Bring on the crystals and Tarot cards. I've lived in very different cultures, and fit in, all the while being ashamed of any reminder of who I really was.

When people ask me what I want to do, I want to wail, "I HAVE NO FRIGGIN' CLUE!" I don't even know how to know. My therapist asked me last week what I would want to do if money were not an issue. Twenty years ago I might have been able to answer that question. But my survival fear has reached a level where I can't even put myself in that theoretical position. Then she asked me what I am passionate about. Well, passion left my life and didn't leave a forwarding address, a very long time ago. There are things I mildly enjoy, yes. That's as far as it goes. A friend thinks I should work with people because I am so compassionate. Well yes... but all anyone sees are the little bits of quality time I am able to give. They don't see the work it takes to be upbeat when I'm feeling anything but, or the way my stomach is tying itself in knots with the fear of accidentally harming someone. I used to be good with kids, but they deserve someone with energy and I don't have that. I am good at cooking for crowds, but have repetitive strain injuries so can't do that for many hours at a stretch. I am good at editing, but that is almost always freelance and looking for clients would just about kill me. And so on, and so forth. I have no idea how to choose, or even to explain why it's so hard to choose. I feel like I'm complaining and should just get over this, but if I knew how, I would have.

Am I making any sense at all? Or am I being as confusing as I feel?

 

[Freedomfighter]

If you do not know yet what exactly you would like to do then give yourself the time to find out. Have you ever looked over learning material online? There are so many subjects and careers you can learn just by checking sources online.
Your fears are understandable, and I think that if you just allow yourself to explore your talents then you will automatically get to the right career path, easier said than done I know.

 

[sun seeker]

See @Kroatien, that's just it, I've spent huge amounts of time already doing those things, and I am no closer to knowing. I don't know how to explain this better. It's like there is something everyone is assuming everyone has - call it the X factor - that I don't have. Like if I were colour blind and didn't realize it, and couldn't understand why other people could tell the difference between red and green. Or something like that. I wish I knew how to put this.

 

[Kintsugi]

Are you expressing (mainly) your inability to choose a direction, or are you expressing that your limitations are daunting as you attempt to find your new direction?

 

[Nam]

There is so much going on here....I don't think I have a short answer. One that will offer something before April. Certain creative outlets may be a better option for you. Those tend to be flexible in schedule and you tend to set the deadline. I'm leaning this way because that is what I am but it's not exactly a lot of money and it certainly isn't regular.

I think I understand what you are saying. You don't have a self. You just morph into whatever someone wants you to be so that you can keep the boat stable. You've done this so long you've lost your "self".

So, I want you to think really far back. Back into your childhood. What did you enjoy doing? This is before hope, creativity, imagination, and laughter was snuffed out by fear. Can you think back that far? What made you excited? What exactly did you play with? Was it imaginary? Was there a common theme?

I'm not sure if that will help. I'm not intimately aware of your childhood. Scientifically, the self is developed early in childhood. If bonding with the caretaker was good enough, the child explores her surroundings and comes back to mother for support. Gets support and goes back out again. With this trial and error, the child will eventually find out what she likes, what she dislikes.

Like your therapist asked, "What would you do if you had no money issues." Well, that's only one stressor. We are talking about multiple stressors. So, my question is, "What would you do if you had all your walls down and in a completely safe environment?" Get comfy with that for a moment. Just thinking about putting your walls down might be stressful, but you are completely safe. What would you do? Are you in a room? Are you outside? If you could make up things with your mind and it would just appear...well, make them appear in the space with you. What would you do?

This is why I ask what you liked when you were a child. The walls weren't built yet.

This exploration, more than likely, will take longer than you might think. And it might take longer to get used to it.

If I'm way off...just ignore it. But I hear you. And I can feel your emotion in your post.

 

[sun seeker]

@Nam, thank you so much. You're the first person who has understood. It made me cry... tears of relief as much as anything.

Do you know Barbara Sher's books, of which Wishcraft is the best known? Unless it's a case of great minds thinking alike (hers and yours, that is) some of what you are suggesting is so close to what she says that it made me wonder if you've worked with it. It starts with the very same exercises you write about, going back to childhood and remembering what you liked to do then, that has been buried in the interim.

I own the book. I've worked with it extensively. It filled me first with hope, then disappointment, because you are spot on with this:

Scientifically, the self is developed early in childhood. If bonding with the caretaker was good enough, the child explores her surroundings and comes back to mother for support. Gets support and goes back out again. With this trial and error, the child will eventually find out what she likes, what she dislikes.

I didn't have that. When I try to connect with what I like to do, or even liked to do long ago, the "what" is secondary to the "with whom". Anxiety about abandonment, and then about survival itself, coloured my consciousness for so long and from so early that what I might like to do if not constantly vigilant got buried deep.

I've done these kinds of exercises lots, and the best I've come up with is that I've always connected with beauty through all my senses. Being in a garden when the angle of the light is just right. Walking barefoot on the beach. The feel of rocks smoothed by water and warmed by sun. The warm comforting feeling of being in a house that's just been cleaned, with music playing. The smell of good coffee. Some of the things I like to do are about creating beauty and comfort for others to enjoy.

And my mother belittled and guilt-tripped me for being this way, come to think of it.

How do you turn that into a career? Except as an artist, as you say... and then I run into the financial instability problem that is entwined with the not knowing what to do problem.

Anyway, thank you so much for understanding. It unwound some of the tension I was feeling.

 

[Nam]

Do you know Barbara Sher's books, of which Wishcraft is the best known?

No, I don't know this book, but it's on my list now.

Have you thought about writing? Making cards? Are you able to see what looks good instantly? If you are good with found objects, interior design or organizer might be good. Floral designer?

Here's the thing: many of the stressors you mention is not a personality trait. It's a symptom of PTSD and childhood emotional neglect. I have hope that once you get a hold of your healing, the symptoms will ease. With the symptoms gone, exploration will yield truer results.

 

[sun seeker]

No, I don't know this book, but it's on my list now.

Great. Let me know what you think.

Have you thought about writing?

Yup. I've written three books in fact... well, one completed and two close to completed. It's the selling them to a publisher part that makes me fall apart. I need that to be totally separate from the need to make money I think.

Making cards?

I'm not much at most kinds of skills that would make good cards, though I'm a fair photographer, but there are so many other people around here doing that, the market is fairly glutted.

Are you able to see what looks good instantly?

Yup.

If you are good with found objects, interior design or organizer might be good.

Interior design I'm not sure there's a market for in a very small town, but interestingly I was thinking the other day about being an organizer. I was helping a neighbour clean out her basement and realized how many people there probably are who don't have the time or inclination to clear their clutter and make their homes look nice, and how appreciative they might be to have someone do it for them. And maybe leave a hot meal for them on the stove before departing, like a good fairy. I could get into doing something like that, with a few classes on organization systems to back me up. But then I started thinking about the marketing aspect of running a business and crawled back in my shell again.

It's the same with catering. I love making good food for people to enjoy. For some people it's finicky and time consuming. For me it's art. I couldn't do it full time because of my wrists, but I'd love to do it some. But... the marketing, the marketing. It's not just another stress, it's full-on panic.

Here's the thing: many of the stressors you mention is not a personality trait. It's a symptom of PTSD and childhood emotional neglect.

Oh yes. I'm clear on that.

Thanks again @Nam, so much.

 

[katiekat]

Wow. @sun seeker I think you wrote this for me. We have an almost identical situation. I don't have time to write a good response (partly because I'm just as clueless as you are) but I wanted to say that I totally understand what you are going through and have been searching for the last three years for a solution. I read the beginning of one of Barbara Shers books and couldn't get past the exercise where you are supposed to imagine/test out jobs that might interest you. I immediately found reasons why they wouldn't work for me.

 

[Deleted member 28986]

I'm so sorry about your situation. I am a great worker, but I'm a piss-poor job seeker. I am going to pull my hair out with all the stress that comes with job hunting. I am in this situation now, under dire circumstances, and I look forward to it being over.

*deep, calming breathing*

 

[Nam]

Could you apprentice with another caterer? Or partner up with someone. These are skills you can work with. Often the marketing is done by someone else. With food especially, the main source of marketing is through word of mouth. I have a Facebook page. Sometimes that's all that is needed to get started. Use your photography skills to take delicious shots of your food. Ask people (that love the food) what they like about it. Quote it! See where it goes.

Same for the organization expert. You can market slowly.

If you don't want to build a business, see if you can put your talents to work with other people that are already doing it. Maybe a realtor needs someone with a good eye for staging. Photo is a plus here.

Brainstorming with you.

 

[shimmerz]

@sun seeker and @The One Who Knocks , I am in the same boat and I could have written this post. Being behind the eight ball doesn't help much either. *heavy sigh*.

For me it is the conflict of
1. I can't work for anybody.period
2. I don't have the guts to go out and seek work or build a website that says how 'great' I am
3. I so want to feel that rush of doing what I love again .... but know the pressure that comes along with it. Stress is no longer my friend

However, if I had someone who was impartial to these things (someone who was invested in my success but didn't have my emotional baggage), someone I could have help balance me until I gain confidence again...that would be the perfect mix. Technically I think I could do what I set my mind too. It is all the other bits that throw me right off.

I love your idea of organizing and care giving. When I was in the hospital in December I saw so many people released back home to their own devices. i thought to myself, what will these poor people do? I think to myself that the desire to help may well squash the terror of having to seek out work. Getting myself all vulnerable....

It sounds to me like you have a terrific ability to morph @sun seeker. What a gift? Maybe the problem is the agency is trying to put you into a box and you don't do boxes well. I wonder if you could use the agency tools to help you with a plan to do something that isn't 'box-ish'.