"how Are You?"

[y5L]

I am finding it increasingly impossible to answer the question "How are you?" I'm most settings.

If asked by someone who knows me and knows my story, I generally can give them a fair assessment of my current state.

If people kind of know me but not at that level, I can sometimes give a true but incomplete answer- like saying I'm a bit anxious, but sometimes I can only give the response I'd give a stranger. (See below.)

At work random people are asking out of habit and probably don't even realize they just asked me a question. I ignore the question wherever possible, but when I cannot I simply nod my head and move on.

I won't lie about it. I won't give a canned response just because it's expected. I am also not going to tell this stranger that I am on the verge of a breakdown.

I know it's a much more complicated question than most of the people asking it realize, but I don't know how to communicate that to my boss or how to get around it. I have already been reprimanded by my boss because some woman complained I wouldn't answer her.

 

[Rizen]

I lie. I always say 'fine' or 'okay' and change the subject.

 

[desiderata310]

I answer with sarcasm. It's like a second language to me now. I'm Faaaaantastic.

 

[joeylittle]

I just say "I'm here". I know it's more an answer to "where are you"? But it's the most honest thing I've got and it reminds me to just be present in the moment. If it's a not-too horrible day I'm "doing ok". If it's a really hard day, though, I use "I'm here". Neutral tone.

 

[franciemarnie]

I think a lot of people who ask How are you - are just saying it as a sort of convention or society courtesy.

Most people do not respond with exactly how they are because of that reason.

You sort of know when someone is looking deeply in your eyes and really wants to know exactly how you are feeling. That is different and rare, so at work or with people I don't know, I just say Fine, because I know they are just saying a friendly something in passing. It isn't the time or place to go into detail nor do I want to share with just anyone who asks the intimate details of my life.

But when I was young, I would get caught up in issues like this. Like one was when I would hear, Smile! It can't be that bad!, I would get really angry and yell, F*ck you axxhole!!

There might be something deeper going on here. Like maybe you have had it up to here with convention and pretending and bullxhit or something. I don't know.

 

[Suzetig]

I usually say I'm fine, I also will say I'm here - serves a purpose in not encouraging further enquiry from people that I know aren't interested.

 

[Hashi]

I agree with @franciemarnie. I see "How are you?" from a work colleague as a gesture of courtesy - respect, even. I have to be honest and say that to not get any answer would make me feel rebuffed. I don't think it has to be so complicated, and it's not completely random or meaningless either. It's a habit in the sense that saying Good Morning to someone who's just arrived is a habit. It's acknowledging them as a person. For me, asking "How are you?" and getting no response would be like saying "Good morning" to someone and being deliberately blanked by them.

I understand not wanting to say you're fine when you're not. I often say something like, "Mmm thanks, how are you?" and then they think I've answered when I haven't.

I'm wondering how much of your reluctance might be to do with some sort of burn out when it comes to having to interact with people. I'm a bit confused by you referring to them as strangers - it sounds like they're work colleagues or work contacts of some kind, in which case they would be acquaintances or new acquaintances, and then I think we have to follow at least the minimum conventions - otherwise it's going to be seen as rude.

At work I never join in with office chit chat now. I just sit listening to my iPod while I work. (Here in the UK often desks are together in groups. In an office like mine with quite a lot of chat and joking, people retreat to iPods when they need to concentrate.) But bumping into people in the kitchen, I force myself to ask/answer "how are you" and talk about the weekend or whatever for a couple of minutes. I think because of this I'm seen as extremely quiet rather than unfriendly (whereas in reality I feel very unfriendly!). I'm not being inauthentic, I just see it as part of my job to do the "How are you?" thing. It's almost like something on my To Do list.

If they're strangers it's less important. I hate it if I pay for something in a shop and the cashier - who has never seen me before and probably never will again - asks me how my day's going. That, I usually ignore.

 

[HelenB]

I also hate to lie but quite often my reaponse will be "fine" which I have no hesitation in being honest with people means F**ked up, Insecure, Neuritic and Emotional. Everyone who knows me well knows that is exactly what I mean by it and I always say it in the time of voice which makes it pretty clear that I am not ok, but for me I don't count it as a lie as I am pretty sure most people I do say it to know me well enough to realise exactly what I mean.

At other times when people are not likely to realise what I mean as I don't want to lie I will also say things like "I'm still here" or "surviving" or I will answer with my physical state if I am very tired or something, as it distracts from my emotional state but also isn't a lie.

Helen

 

[Meadowsweet]

I won't lie about it. I won't give a canned response just because it's expected. I am also not going to tell this stranger that I am on the verge of a breakdown.

This is a choice on your part. Perhaps it is worth looking at why your feelings about giving a canned response are so strong.

I know it's a much more complicated question than most of the people asking it realize, but I don't know how to communicate that to my boss or how to get around it. I have already been reprimanded by my boss because some woman complained I wouldn't answer her.

It is understandable that the woman you ignored was hurt by your response. All the more reason to look at why you feel so strongly about just saying "I'm okay". It's not a lie, it is just an acknowledgement that someone has asked you.

It is the way of the world, and just in my opinion, life is difficult enough without creating more problems for yourself over something as meaningless as "how are you", "okay thank".

What you won't be able to do is change the world, however much you explain your feelings to the boss. They are your feelings and they are contrary to an everyday cultural greeting, that we use in society.

Yes you can make your stand if you want, but the consequences will be that other people feel upset at your response because they don't understand it. You will create an awkward atmosphere at work, and you might lose your job. And you will still have changed nothing about our cultural method of greeting each other. If you want to do all of that (and it is a choice), and can stand at the end of the day and say to yourself, 'that was worth it', then nothing is stopping you.

But, personally I feel you would save yourself a lot of self induced hardship, if you looked a bit deeper at why you react to it this way, and how you can better handle that reaction, to enable yourself to live as normal a life as is possible with PTSD.

 

[Justmehere]

I say things like "I'm tired but here, how are you?" or "I'm looking forward to lunch, how are you?" or "I'm surprised by the rain outside, how are you?" - all true things even when I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown, and it quickly shifts the focus back to them.

 

[greenleaf]

The way I emotionally get around the "fakeness" of these questions has been to rephrase what I think they're really saying or asking, in my mind. Often at work, for instance, "how are you?" might really mean something like, "hello, I'm interested in a polite, cooperative working relationship with you since I have to keep this job, are you willing to reciprocate?" There tends to be a lot of interpretation of body language in these quick exchanges. Any sort of deeper trust takes a long time to build often, and can be really contextual.

Not having the seemingly dumb interchange go well can be stressful for folks who are operating on the level of "trying to keep their employment and therefore needing good relations with coworkers".

I'm not saying I *really* know all these details of what's in everyone's head, but I'm trying to get in the right ballpark.

By doing this, I stopped feeling so resentful that I couldn't really answer in a personal way, and have gotten somewhat better at developing actual work friendships.

(I'm still a total coward about mentioning any trauma stuff though, even with folks who have always been "nice". I tend to feel like the world will fall apart if I lose my job... I think I should be able to put "dissociation and numbing" as a major job-related skill. :chicken: )

 

[Lucycat]

I lie.

I do the same. "Fine" is my stock answer. T is the only one who cares - he follows it with 'and how are you really?'