Poll How Are Your Relationships With Your Family As A Result Of Your Trauma?

[Deleted member 12723]

Mine are all messed up. I have one brother back east that I have no contact with. He beats his wife. I have a sister that I only have phone contact with because she is so messed up. My parents are dead. I have a half brother who is a flake and is probably going to end up homeless. His house is getting foreclosed and he is being forced to move and he does not have a good job. He was living with my dad until he died this year of cancer. My mom had been killed in a plane crash when I was nineteen. All of my grandparents are dead.'

I have a husband, a daughter, her husband and my two granddaughters. My sister is supposedly very sick and dying. At this point after talking to my niece today I am not too sure about this anymore. I need to talk to her some more. She has a son that is autistic and has adhd. She has a deformed hand and back and has heart problems. I barely ever talk to her. My sister keeps me away from her for some reason.

It is very dysfunctional. I had a brother I was close to but he died of lung cancer a few years ago. He was in denial but had enough stability that we could have a relationship. He had two boys but I have lost contact with them because their mom is into speed and they live with her and I do not want anything to do with her.'

It makes me feel very lonely. I am grateful to have my own family.

 

[ms spock]

My family of origin was the site of all the emotional, physical, sexual abuse and trauma, to say the least. I was tortured by members of my family.


So I guess making that distinction of where the trauma occurred might show a better understanding of the relationship of family.

 

[Philippa]

Very dysfunctional & toxic with my parents, and my only brother & I are estranged. Sadly this is just a result of the family dynamic for the most part, we didn't have a falling out or anything... In fact we were extremely close when we were children. We're just very different people now & can't connect.

This is how it is with my mother and brother now. Apart from the emotionally abusive behavior they display whenever I do see them or speak to them, I am just on totally different wavelengths all together, and that alone makes it very hard to connect, or even want to connect with them.

Even with toxicity aside, do you think it is valid to just not want contact with parents or siblings because you just don't like them? Why should people be made to be in the company of people they don't even like, just out of some kind of expected social obligation of "that's how family operate". Why? If you don't like each other, isn't it better to just admit it and stop acting like everything is ok, when it's not. I don't get how they can think that is the right way to be.

It's so uncomfortable I hide when I can avoid seeing him, the occasional time he makes contact with my parents which is rare. I am going to be an aunt for the first time in February & I don't expect I will see my niece or nephew much... And he & his wife have disappointed my daughter, who wishes to have more contact with them, repeatedly. They make excuses or promises they don't keep. It's really sad.

For years my father just thought I was so busy it was hard to get a hold of me. Um...nooooo. I just wasn't answering the phone when he called.:D

My family believe they supported me, and in their own ways I guess they did. They gave me a roof over my head when I was seriously traumatized...BUT, they treated me like I was shit while I was under that roof, and ended up kicking me out on the street after I'd been raped and was terrified...and the emotional support I needed was not really there.

When I told my mother I was sexually assaulted, she did hug me and we bonded, and my middle brother also was quite supportive to me, which is why I stuck by him for years, but he became my father's "mini-me" and started gaslighting me consistently, so it became unhealthy for me.

Do I owe him something for that moment in the past when he showed me genuine care, which shone brightly after the others didn't? Does that mean I have to place myself in his web of deceit and let him drive me crazy for his own amusement? I don't think so.

My other brother showed me a few martial arts moves, which was his way of supporting me...but he never said anything that was kind to me, and actually said "why didn't you run away" when he found out that I'd been raped...which didn't help me at all. They aren't good with sensitive stuff or emotions, so I probably should not have even told them about it. Too late now though.

I don't like spending too much time in his company either, as he is either constantly bad mouthing women to me, or talking about conspiracy theory crap and then ending the day with some does of gaslighting or shaming me for good measure. He's just really unpleasant to be around.

 

[ClairBear226]

I think there comes a point when someone has hurt you so much that you have to take away all the remaining power they have left over you.

I couldn't have said it better. In the last few weeks, I've found it necessary to contact/ hire a lawyer to help me with the issue of my parents. Though they've long been "replaced" by people that form a normal functional support system, my mother was not able to honor my wishes and stay out of my life. Worse, she is ever insistent on putting my father and I back in the same room every chance she gets. There's already been a no contact order against him for some time. Now there has been a cease and desist letter sent by an attorney to her. I think the definition of insanity is something to the effect of, if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got. So, I've changed my tactics. At their best, my parents are toxic. At their worst, they are a sexual predator married to an enabler. There is nothing healthy that will ever come out of that relationship, and its time they got it through their heads that I don't want one with either of them.

 

[faraway]

I don't have any contact with my parents or my sister either. My father is absent in all but body, my mother denies everything and my sister is as traumatised as I am, but instead of internalising it, she tortures everyone around her instead. None of them are any good.

 

[MissMacD]

I think there comes a point when someone has hurt you so much that you have to take away all the remaining power they have left over you.

I packed my bags and moved to a city 1400 km away from home where nobody knew me 5 years ago. My urge to have contact with my biological family was unbearable and it finally ceased after I met my boyfriend and saw what how a healthy family functions. He helped me to leave those hopeless toxic relationships to rest and although there are still days that I want my mother and cry for her I know that contacting her will only make me feel worse.

Walking away from those relationships was the scariest yet most freeing moment of my life.

 

[Natalialynnll]

I got adopted later in life and my adoptive family once supportive now can't handle my hyper sensitivity so needless to say I am family less :/

 

[Chrissyy]

I voted for rocky, my relationships with my parents is actually pretty good at the moment (Mostly because I'm so far away), but especially when we're together there's lots of underlying tension and arguments break out a lot. But I know they care about me and I do about them. Plus my little brother is my best friend, so he balances out the fact that me and my older brother don't really get on.

 

[Lucille]

I haven't read everyone's replies. This particular subject became very hard for me, so I avoided this thread. However, looking back I'd like to add something...

This question came out of fear that the only way for me to get better was to cut ties with my family. I saw that as failure, and, thus not an option. It seemed like running from the problem and running would never allow me to heal. While things are far from perfect now, the only way they have managed to get better was through my acceptance that I could sever ties with my family if it was the only way to get better. Not sure if that makes sense...

To get to where I am now, I had to accept defeat - accept the idea that I may one day have to cut them off. It was only when I fully realized that I could do this if I needed to, and that I could see a world in which it would be necessary to do so, did I finally figure out a way to maintain the relationship with my family while also taking steps to prevent them from hurting me.

I find myself now in the "grey area" where before I was stuck in a constant battle between black and white (cut family ties or continue to suffer). Like I said, it's not perfect, but it means it doesn't have to be one or the other. There is a way to not have to cut them out of your life.

 

[ClairBear226]

I find myself now in the "grey area" where before I was stuck in a constant battle between black and white (cut family ties or continue to suffer). Like I said, it's not perfect, but it means it doesn't have to be one or the other. There is a way to not have to cut them out of your life.

Lucille, for me, it was the difference between past hurt and present hurt that brought me to my decision. I lived in that grey area for quite some time, and would have been content to stay there, truthfully. If the past issues had remained in the past, and I could deal with it, heal, and move on, that would have been great. The problem came when my family decisded to keep re-opening the wound every chance they got. Re-inflicting old pain and introducing new pain with every conversation. It's hard enough to get past the old stuff without there being a constant avalanche of more being dumped on top. The day finally came that I realized the only way to ever dig my way out was going to have to mean an end to the avalanche. I have a lot to deal with still, but at least there's not more being lumped on while I try to deal & heal.

 

[Lucille]

I completely understand that because I came to that realization too. I was finally determined to sever ties... but coming to that place, being pushed to the edge of tolerance for them continuing to pour salt on my wound, actually helped me figure out a way to make it so they couldn't hurt me as much anymore. Since I finally had the power to walk away if I needed to, it meant I didn't have to walk away. The option will always be there for me now, and I've managed to put healthy distance between myself and them.

I don't have to go to every family function anymore where as before I was afraid not to go. I don't pick up the phone when they call if I don't feel like talking to them. I feel so much more in control, and it's helped all of us.

 

[Loveneverfails]

Cutting ties was one of the hardest things I did, but my life is so much better without my family in my life. I have my kids, I talk to my eldest brother occasionally, but that is the extent of my family. I wish I had more support, but I don't need abusers to support me and no longer want that for myself either.