How Can I Allow Myself To Feel?

[littlelostchild]

Ok, so anxiety is a feeling that I feel a lot of the time, but other feelings are not allowed. I understand how ridiculous that is, but I have intellectualized my feelings my entire life and do not know how to let them go, just allow them to happen.

I recognize that I have a lot of rage (which is understandable given my past experiences) and I hold it with a death grip. I don't feel warm fuzzy feelings either, although I know I love my husband and children dearly. If I can't figure out how to deal with my anger (because suppression led to SI) going back to work is going to be problematic.

Does anyone have advice or experience to share? On the way home from therapy yesterday, I imagined myself crying while pounding on the dashboard and throwing up. I am at a loss to express myself.

 

[GWhizz]

I feel you. It is so hard to connect with it when we've been blocking it out for years in order to cope. Also, for some of us (not exactly sure of your trauma history so apologies here), showing emotion to abusers only caused the trauma to become worse. There is nothing wrong with you. It is a perfectly normal protective mechanism. Showing emotion makes us exposed and vulnerable. You need to give yourself time to feel safe to grieve. We all grieve in different ways and there are different stages to it also.

I too hope that in time I will be able to cry for my little self and what she went through. And as you mentioned, I love my partner and baby more than anything else in the world, though I'm only learning how to be emotionally open with them now through therapy.

Sorry I don't have more advice to give :hug:

 

[shimmerz]

I don't feel pain at all. Emotional (although I have conversion disorder) or physical unless my cells are damaged. This has been a real challenge for me. I have learned that I feel in other ways. I have been taught that regardless of whether my brain gets the message that my body is feeling that I show symptoms through my body that I am feeling. Whether it is sweating, a need to put my hand over my eyes, rubbing my forehead, getting very hot or very cold. These are all clues for me that there is something that I need to pay attention to.

Michael Singer has a very good book out there called 'The Untethered Soul' which has helped me tremendously in this way. I am not certain that it would be helpful to you at this point but by putting into practice what he teaches has changed many things for me.

 

[Chava]

For me, having strong feelings on my own is usually too scary. So bits of anger, sadness, or fear are better expressed with my therapist...though it's also a long haul to trust having feelings around others, even therapists. I can say that sadness has gotten less over-whelming with a few tears here and there in therapy and feeling safe to have them. I also have some SI, though barely anymore (seemed to be an intense mix of fear and anger towards myself, even if tat was misplaced anger). I don't know if you cut or burn or what, but I've found some release in shredding books with my pocket knife...takes the edge off that energy. And while I'm not sure, imagining yourself crying, pounding, and throwing up sounds like awareness of the feelings, which seems like a safe starting point, even if you can't express them.

Not sure what your therapy is like, but I can push or hit in therapy (slowed down to help release anger but also reorganize nervous system), or work on physical ways to feel protected or soothed when scared (my therapy is somatic/body-based, but I've done some of that before in psychodrama group in the past...though I couldn't totally utilize it at the time because I was so far detached..one-on-one with that sort of work might have been helpful....). Basically, for me it comes down to trusting my therapist, working on being compassionate and patient with myself, and time...it took a lifetime so far to learn how NOT to feel, so this is very gradual learning, thank goodness....it's about working towards a middle ground between totally numb and totally flooded or over-whelmed. Hang in there!

 

[heidi]

It is a perfectly normal protective mechanism. Showing emotion makes us exposed and vulnerable.

Sorry I don't have more advice to give :hug:

I found that very wise and insightful.

I have no insight to add except that I feel for you too. It makes a person feel like less of a person to not have full emotion. But if you take the long view all of you are very caring and aware people and that is not indifference. A person who was truly emotionally stunted would be indifferent and unaware.

Maybe it's just a matter of accepting the extent to which you are capable of being loving and caring (which might be more then you realize) and making the most of it and not feeling too badly that you feel blocked. Or actually maybe it is something that you can work on and grow. Either way you are a good person who cares very much. Enough to worry that you are emotionally blocked.

All of you are actually. Reading all of your posts up above not to gush but I think you're super. If everybody was that conscientious the world would be an amazing place.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes anxiety prevails for me above everything else. I wish I had the back to pick up jogging I think it would help so much. It's frightening because there never seems to be the time or place or safe relationship for it, or to feel 'entitled' to it.

Hugs.

 

[Go Hungry]

Just like some of the others, I mainly feel anxiety nowadays. Either fear or anger. Kinda been that way most of my life. It's a bummer. There have been times when I tried to open up to people and show my emotions, but I usually have my hand bitten and so I just keep it bottled up. I don't know how to get rid of it.

Though strangely things seem to be looking up for me recently. Almost positive even. :)Not sure why the hell that's happening, but I'll take it where I can get it.

 

[Suzetig]

I tend to sway between low grade anxiety, heart stopping anxiety or numbness. I'm working in therapy to try and identify and manage emotions but get so scared I'll be overwhelmed. Somehow I think I'll be working on it for a while!

 

[FindingMyself88]

I really don't have much energy but I wanted to say you're not alone… My T tells me all the time that the anxiety replaces the emotions and that if I would only allow myself to feel the emotions as they come, they wouldn't be as intense as the anxiety over time. There are so many times in therapy I WANT to cry but physically can't. I made huge success in crying like maybe 5 tears the other day during emdr...

 

[Mystery]

Being a Mother, (I had four kids to care for, when I went through my adult life trauma and therapy), presents limitations to having cathartic demonstrations of pent up emotions. There is rarely the space needed to do it. Then the comfort to drop your bundle for a while to process what just happened. I have had overwhelming displays of emotions like sobbing, in front of my children and I'm sure it wasn't too good for them to see me like that. I broke down twice while I had children in my care, it was hard on them.

I believe there is a strong pressure to 'keep it together' when you're a Mum. There are safe places you can do it. I used to do it in the car with the music up loud on the highway and write it down, all the rage and destructive thoughts. I've screamed like that in the car so that my voice was hoarse for a few days. It had to have been good for me though.

Surviving and caretaking of children means that we need to be able to go out and face a wooly mammoth and come home and tell the children a bedtime story. We just need to find places to let it out when they are not around. I would feel more empowered to allow my anger out like that, even if I was crying at the same time. It reminded me that there was some power in there, not just this frightened part of me.

 

[littlelostchild]

Thank you for all of your feedback and support. I guess it is just a matter of continuing to move forward, no matter how slowly it seems, toward being able to feel and be more expressive.

Be well

 

[Mystery]

FindingMyself88, … 'My T tells me all the time that the anxiety replaces the emotions'

I don't know why, but no one has ever pointed that out to me, nor have I ever seen that for myself. Of course it does! It's not just us being afraid of the feelings, it's taking the place of them. Profound insight, penny dropping moment, thankyou.