How Can I Feel Useful?

[Nilrath]

I actually have no clue how to feel useful right now. I've been out of a job since the onset of my symptoms, and I feel incapable of doing a lot of things that I used to do. I used to go on walks to blow off some of the excess anxiety that my body decides to have whenever it feels like it, but now I can't do that anymore (I was told by my T that maybe going on walks isn't such a great idea with my dissociation, because I tend to blackout when I get triggered, and obviously I can listen to music all I want while I walk, but I can't control every aspect of my environment!).

My friend told me about someone who got fired at their work, and he wanted me to submit a resume. It literally broke my heart when I had to tell him that I was very thankful that he thought of me first when a job came up, but I am physically unable to work at this time. Anytime I even leave my house, I can feel my neck tense up immediately, and I start sweating on the spot. Usually walking a mile or two helps with this, because I start to focus on the music, and how it makes me feel, rather than how my mind is making me feel.

People don't seem to understand that I don't want to be unable to work/provide for myself. I'm mostly talking about my parents (divorced, I'm 22, still live with mom); they really want to see me do well, and make good money, which I totally understand. I'm their son, so they only want me to be happy and do what makes me happy. What they don't understand is that I have a disorder that often times prevents me from doing what makes me happy. I can't even properly enjoy my old hobbies anymore.

This is more of a rant post if anything, but I'm feeling incredibly useless. Having a good work ethic (or even a JOB) is something that my family values above anything else, since they are both immigrants. Have you guys found any sort of activity or any small things that you do every day that make you feel useful?

 

[Seasounds]

You have company. I relate, I love to work, and due to my PTSD I am unable to work at the level I want. It is a big adjustment for me, too.

Until I find a job that I can tolerate, I try to be easy on myself because I know that I am doing the best that I can.

I am able to go out of my apartment , and I do get more anxious outside of my apartment. Due to recent injuries in the past couple of years my physical exercise is very limited.

What do I enjoy? I do meditation, a bit of yoga, write, read, attend church, and go to a support group. I'm taking a computer class, and I enjoy listening to the radio.

I hope you find some things you enjoy. Know that you are very valuable, as you are. As Maya Angelou said, "Your passages have been paid..."

 

[Friday]

One thing I've learned in my own life is that that feeling useful & being useful are 2 very different things. Being perceived as useful? Very much a 3rd thing.

In order to feel useful I have to be doing things I value.
In order to be useful...
In order to be perceived as useful I have to be doing things other people value.

You'll note the actually-useful bit is blank. Because that's something I struggle with, more than most things. I need to be useful to be okay in my head & heart, but "disqualifying the positive" https://www.myptsd.com/primary-cognitive-distortions-negative-thinking-styles/184/ means I really don't recognize things I don't value, most of the time, and out and out cannot recognize things I don't value the rest of the time. It's a work in progress.

Back to where I'm solid!

• So when you say feeling useful, what does that mean to you? If along the same lines as me... What do you value? (Some of mine are flat out ridiculous, by the by, and that doesn't matter.) What is something, or what are things that you can do either every day, or as you can, that make you feel useful. Gainful employment is clearly one, but there are probably others. My own have something of a sliding scale; things I place a very high value on, versus middling, & very low value on. I've learned to pay attention to the low value ones ... Because as unimportant to me as they are when I'm doing them? They become monumental shame monsters when I'm not doing them! :wtf:

• Are other people's perceptions of your usefulness important to you? Is that largely a good thing in your life, or something you beat yourself up over, care more about pleasing them than yourself, or in any other way largely a negative in your life? How's your self-confidence when what you value and what other people value conflict? How're your priorities / are there individuals whose perception of your usefulness mean a great deal more than others, and are they the "right" people if you sit down and logic it out? (Right meaning things like caring more what your spouse or a trusted friend thinks of you, than what a random stranger, or total asshole thinks of you.)

A lot of questions, I know. No need to answer me, just things to think about / things that help me parse where my own head & heart are.

Spoiler: Easy trick to bolster other individuals perceptions of you... IF/When you care what they think.

TRICK : How well do those individuals and your own value systems line up? Are there things you could be doing to make those individuals feel special that you're not doing because you don't really place much if any value on them?

If so, a huge shortcut is to
A) Do things they think are useful, even if you think they're useless AND
B) Parse out what their top 2 love languages are, and make an effort there. It may not seem like love language & perception of usefulness coincide unless it's 'acts of service', but you'd be surprised.

On the off chance you haven't heard of the 5LoveLanguages? Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships… One Language at a Time. It's super-common-sense wrapped up in fancy language... And also very quick / easy to learn & use.

Ex) Cook Someone Dinner = something they find kinda useful, whether you think it's useless or useful, underlined into something they really take note of you doing such a useful thing! Won't change how you feel about being useful if you think it's useless, but will change how useful they percieve you as. Not doing it = 0 points. Doing it = 5 points. Doing it in their love language = 10 points.

Acts Of Service - Shop + Cook + Clean Up... With a good attitude, without being asked
Words of Affirmation - Cook + Write a little note on their napkin (Even just one word, like 'Enjoy!')
Giving Gifts - Cook + Put a flower in a vase, or buy a 1/4 pint of their fav ice cream "just for them"
Quality Time - Cook + Eat Dinner with them, as they best like it (1:1, or watching a movie, w/e)
Physical Touch - Cook + Touch them. (Hold hands in the store, give them a hug with their meal, etc.)

 

[WillyKat]

I'm a big walker and sometimes I leave the house already triggered by something, but it tends to pass.

Just curious, is there a particular place you can walk where you are triggered less? For me, there's a lot of open space, walk/bike paths along a creek, etc. and there aren't too many people out there except people walking their dogs, walking like I am, or jogging. I enjoy not being near people for that precious hour or so, and enjoy observing all the wildlife (saw some river otters a couple weeks ago). I don't think I would enjoy it nearly as much if I walked in town.

If there's a place you can walk where you are triggered less often, that might be a very good clue to (A) understanding more about what triggers you, and (B) teach you something about avoiding or dealing with them more effectively. That might be something to bring up with your shrink.

 

[Crow]

When I went through a rough patch a few years ago where I could barely walk even using a cane, I started writing letters to soldiers overseas. Anysoldier dot com lists addresses for military that would like to get mail. Made me feel better. And I ended up making a few friends. Another thing I did was volunteered at the food bank. I let them know my anxiety was an issue so they put me stuffing letters in an office with just one other person. That I could handle. My neighbor goes to a church thrift store and folds/hangs clothes in the back away from noise and people. Even posting here and helping people through tough moments is huge.

Hoping things ease up for you.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I lost my career by having a breakdown at work, while having stenosis in my back. My back is really bad and fragile, full of arthritis, and I thought I would never find anything good in life again. I had to find things I valued and liked to do. I loved to garden, and I already started building raised beds, so friends helped build more for me and my son helps with the heavy stuff. My garden is so abundant that I am able to donate to the local food bank after putting up vegetables for my son and I. I was a workaholic, and loved active stuff, now I can't walk down the street because of my back. I can paint though, and I get help picking up free furniture and redoing it. I wanted to raise chickens, and my son built me a coop for his senior project. I didn't know chickens had such wonderful personalities. The answer to their names, they come when called, they are like little dogs, but give you eggs everyday. I am able to donate extra eggs to the food bank too. That makes me feel good about myself. The ladies at the food bank respect me for giving back, even though I am able to get food from the food bank, they hardly ever get fresh eggs or veggies.

Your job right now is to heal. Maybe you could explain that to your parents. You need time to heal, so you CAN do what you want to do career-wise, or self-employed wise. My mother told me 2 years after my breakdown that it would be a good idea to get my nursing license back. I told her that I was unable to work, and my therapist and psychiatrist wouldn't sign my back to work forms, and my doc didn't think I could work. So, here I am. If you are doing your best, you can't do anymore than that, and I believe you are.

 

[ladee]

One thing I do is crochet hats for the homeless. I get lost in the creating and for awhile I am busy and feeling productive.
I go out on the back roads and look for petrified wood. See a lot of nature and it is very relaxing.
Useful? No. But it is healing for me.
Can you write short stories or poetry? Maybe even try to get published?
Even coming here and being supportive to others is useful as @CrowFeather shared.
Any thing creative helps me to feel useful.

 

[Nilrath]

Can you write short stories or poetry? Maybe even try to get published?
Any thing creative helps me to feel useful.

I used to write a lot of comedy, and this used to be the way that I coped. I've been finding it hard to muster enough motivation to sit down and do it again, but I think I need to start writing again.

@Vandya Thank you! Sometimes it's hard to feel valuable, but even kind words from strangers or fellow sufferers help me a TON.

@Friday To be absolutely honest, I don't value gainful employment -- at least not right now. Over the last 4 months, I've had a major decline in my mental health. I took the test you posted in the spoiler for myself, and it revealed that I value words of affirmation over pretty much anything else, and then physical touch and quality time (I'm a pretty emotional guy when it comes to relationships). Honestly, I don't have anyone in my life around me that I care about impressing or anything, except for my fiancee, but she lives in Canada. You hit the nail on the head at one part -- I care WAY too much about what strangers or total assholes think; and my mom falls under both of those categories, to be honest.

@WillyKat I'll try to change my normal walking route to see if that helps :D

@DharmaGirl Yeah, you're 100% right. I need to focus on myself, I think. My T says the same thing, and she thinks that I spend too much time thinking about how others feel about me, and I often ignore how I feel about myself.

 

[PTSDisweird]

I actually have no clue how to feel useful right now. I've been out of a job since the onset of my sym...

Lol i remember when i was 22 and i was just able to attend university, when i thought my age my mind would go crazy because i thought i was too old. I am 24 now, maybe I will graduate next year, hopefully, and its funny looking back how you see yourself old at 18 or 19 and then at 22, and you become a little, or way too much it depends, desperate. Parents and society apply too much pressure on young people and i wonder how they dont see its counter productive. Its ok to be stressed and anxious, but its a wrong thing to enjoy what you are doing, according to them. Well, if you dont relax and enjoy your work, you wont move upwards in your life. Guaranteed. Give yourself some time, with baby steps. Too much pressure puts you in the bottom, it doesnt have the results we believe that it has. We subconsciously think that when we are anxious, we will do better, and when we are calm, we wont do anything for our lives. Wrong.

At the end of the day, you (and me) are too young. How many people at your age are THAT successful?

 

[Changing4Best]

I attend the local Senior Center and have friends there my own age and older too. Some of the older ones have trouble getting around, needing walkers and canes and such. So I offer to run short errands for them. You would be surprised how delighted and relieved they are to have someone help them with what seems to be such a simple thing for me to do!

Also, there is a Meals On Wheels program that needs folks to deliver the meals to the home bound. They are so grateful!

Visiting folks in Hospitals and nursing homes.

Writing letters to prisoners.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@Nilrath. I'm with @SheilaKathy. I'm on disability, and unable to regulate my emotions well enough to go back to my job yet. So, my new job is to help others, however I can. Small things like walking the shelter dogs, mowing an elderly neighbour's yard, even heading out with a garbage bag and picking up litter. Every single thing you can do - no matter how small - helps you and everyone else. Even just listening. So many people aren't heard, and that is so devaluing. So give! Give yourself to the world! Nothing is more rewarding!