How can I make sure my therapist knows what I mean?

[oakleaves]

I should say that at the moment I can't say the words of what I experienced. I can't say it was x kind of abuse or even say the word abuse out loud.

I have started working with a new therapist and this is the first proper time I'm trying to do trauma work. The second session I saw her she knew I wanted to do trauma work and I have talked generally about my family background (generally neglectful, substance misusing parent etc but that isn't what I want to work on. She asked what kind of trauma I meant. So I said something convoluted and spoke about the person (my mum's partner after she split from my dad) and I couldn't say anything so she asked if he hurt me, and I said yes. I assume that she knows what I meant from the content of our conversation. BUT I feel like I need to spell it out to her so that she knows what I mean properly because otherwise she might think something different and she is being nice etc etc.

How do you tell someone and make sure they know what you want to work on when you can't say the words?

 

[Teamwork]

Your new to this t so it will be all about history taking at first. Sometimes what you cant say can be written or drawn and prefaced with, I cant say these words, thoughts, parts of my history just yet but I'd like you to know they are there . Once that happens it may be a relief to hear her say, yes I was aware. I've not said many things, but my t concluded them so when they came up many months later he said he knew. So of course I was baffled and asked him and he explained how he was putting context together, so that he said at some point I'm not surprised xyz happened. A good t knows, but waits. It is not helpful for them to ask leading questions though as it crosses into implanting thoughts. So if this were me, I'd write a long list of random things that did and did not happen then go back and circle the ones that did so that within the exercise of writing I'm reducing my anxiety and I would hand it to t next session with whatever explanation I want, such as do not read this out loud or discuss just yet or you can read it but I'm not comfortable explaining any of it just yet.
I have about 10 words. Though that never get said or written, but I can allude to them, which bridges the distance between my avoidance of the word while still hitting the topic. Some day, some day I will be able to say it without avoiding it, but I have pretty strong avoidance issues.

 

[NightSky]

Is emailing an option? Or even writing and handing it over?
I, like you and probably many others, cannot say the words. Even writing them can be very hard. Over the course of my first year with my T I talked around things and then would email more things I wasn’t able to say in session after I got home. That has continued to work for us. It has given her a lot more information that I would be able to vocally, and has led to a lot more depth in sessions.
Trust that in time what needs to will get out there, and your t will find a way to work with what you can and can’t do.

 

[piratelady]

As Nightsky said, I opted to email my therapist. I still send him emails on occassion. I just can't say the words or I get so flustered it doesn't come out correctly and I'm misunderstood. Then he uses my email to ask me questions and sort of drive the conversation from there. If your therapist is ok with that, I think it's a great option.

 

[Friday]

If you actually want to make sure? You’ll need to ask them.

You can dance around the topic in various ways, even coming right out and saying “I can’t talk about this right now, but I need to know you understand, so I’m going to dance around it a bit... can you help me out with that?”.

You can also flank the problem by writing things down, or if you can’t write, handing her a clipping from an article or some such. “This isn’t me, but this is like what happened to me, and I want us to be on the same page, but can’t talk about it right now.”

But perhaps the best course of action that I know of?

Ask them what to do when you want to talk about something, but can’t. And sometimes can’t even write it down or think about it.

Because this will not be the only time you struggle to say something, and working out a protocol for the two of you to sync into when that happens? Getting their help learning how to talk about difficult subjects? Will be super useful to you many, many, many times over.

 

[hopefully optimistic]

I could’ve written this exact topic! I’ve never said the words, either. I’ve alluded to things over the past 6 months, and have emailed more details (I mean, details like “I was at a party and something happened.” Clearly I cannot say much, but my T has not pushed and I’m sure she knows. Try to write what you can and want to, in an email. I find that easiest. Usually I leave a session, go home and write what I was trying to say or couldn’t say.
That said, the first T I ever had did an intake that made me want to climb out the window and run. Direct questions, quickly, filling in spaces and pushing until I would nod or shake my head. And not stopping until it was all out. I don’t recommend seeing a T like that. I still panic when I think about it. And I started just nodding to get her to stop interrogating me. Ugh.

Good T’s will connect the dots we leave them...just make sure to leave whatever trailbyou see comfortable with.

 

[oakleaves]

Thank you for the responses to this. I really appreciate people taking the time to respond. I am hoping to see her tomorrow so I think I will write some things down for her. And talk to her about what I can do when I want to talk about something but I can't or feel stuck or frozen.

I am so so anxious I can't even describe the level of anxiety I feel. I am anxious about so so many things.

I just feel desperate to tell my story after so long and desperate to be heard. Like I owe it to a younger part of me to tell it and to attend to those experiences and that part of my life. I feel so scared because it feels so different to my life now but also so real still if that makes sense.

I really like and trust this therapist. She seems good at letting me get near to it and then backing off and doing that in a way that I can say a bit more each time. Like she is helping me to gradually tolerate it. I don't know if that is deliberately what she is doing (we are just in the first assessment stage still really) but I feel as though I am gradually feeling safer with her and I don't feel I have to protect her or overly protect myself when I am with her unlike in the past.

 

[grit]

We are all humans so she does not have to understand the words but the effects of words. I think (could be wrong though) that the words or the vocabulary of describing something is not necessary in therapy but how you say things.

I have similar issues because my adult life is nothing like my young life so I have hard time switching to my younger self and expressing. I usually express things as my mother would like I feel angry!!! or difficult as core issues when the effects for me are I am deeply saddened and scared! I remember literally the day I switched from feeling anger to sadness in the therapy room...I completely fell apart psychologically speaking. It was so jarring but my body and mind aligned in a way that just disabled me but yet freed me.

I was not angry. I was deeply scared of dying!

PS. weirdly enough today, as an adult I am not scared of dying (it is not an issue) but I am scared of going mad.

Translation for me is: as a child I was scared of dying and as an adult I am scared of going mad if I allow my old childhood feelings to surface.

confusing state of mind but the therapist got it.

 

[oakleaves]

It is soooo difficult isn't it.

Sorry I am coming back here. I just feel this overwhelming sense that I desperately need to tell her properly but I don't know if I can say the words and if I do I am terrified that her reaction will leave me feeling stupid/humiliated/powerless whatever whatever.

I want to try to say that I feel as though there is a younger child like part of me (not a separate part, to be clear, just a smaller younger bit that is part of me) that I need to give a voice to but I don't know whether that sounds completely mental.

We talked a lot about anger and being alone and feeling alone and being out of touch with anger last time and it gave me a lot to think about. I don't know. It is like a desperation to be heard and seen and not be on my own with this anymore but then I am scared of letting myself get too attached to her and scared of that needy feeling.

And Christmas is so so hard and I am so scared but I can't tell anyone that either because it sounds pathetic if you don't know the context.

Sorry just venting really.

You can dance around the topic in various ways, even coming right out and saying “I can’t talk about this right now, but I need to know you understand, so I’m going to dance around it a bit... can you help me out with that?”.

Yes I think this is what I need to do. Gosh this is hard. I really don't know how people go to appointments and just talk about this stuff and say the actual words. I know they do and I know it is just that my particular style of avoidance doesn't allow me to do that but I know I need to do it. I am just scared of the fall out of feeling completely overwhelmed or terrifyingly numb or of being punished by something if I do. Sorry I just need to take this somewhere and it is all new to me.

 

[hopefully optimistic]

New to me too-I rarelynaay the words. But I can email them! I mean, not without feeling like I’m going to freak out, but at least I can get them out. At least I can say “yeah, so I’m a little worried about the holidays coming up.” I say way more through email. Way more....really that means I say everything through email. And it’s easier if I have a long time until my next session. Once it becomes closer to my next actual session time, I clam up again.
Know you’re not alone.

 

[oakleaves]

New to me too-I rarelynaay the words. But I can email them! I mean, not without feeling like I’m going to freak out, but at least I can get them out. At least I can say “yeah, so I’m a little worried about the holidays coming up.” I say way more through email. Way more....really that means I say everything through email. And it’s easier if I have a long time until my next session. Once it becomes closer to my next actual session time, I clam up again.
Know you’re not alone.

Thank you. Yeah I want to be able to say (even write) and say this (thing) happened to me and this is why I couldn't tell anyone and this is why I still feel so X and y in my body and why things don't make sense and I feel disconnected etc etc. Maybe I can write it down. I feel like I want to say it for myself but writing is a start. Oh gosh it's hard.

 

[hopefully optimistic]

Thank you. Yeah I want to be able to say (even write) and say this (thing) happened to me and this is why I couldn't tell anyone and this is why I still feel so X and y in my body and why things don't make sense and I feel disconnected etc etc. Maybe I can write it down. I feel like I want to say it for myself but writing is a start. Oh gosh it's hard.

Oh hey, I’ve never written the words of what has actually happened to me. I still can’t say those. I can say something along the lines of “when I was 9 or 10, something happened with my brothers friend, and continued with my brother for awhile.”-so yeah, that’s about as close as I get. I cannot get into detail. I cannot say the words. Maybe in the future. But, my T knows what I’m saying, and for now, that’s enough.