How Can I Not be a Pain?

[heather q]

This was recently emailed to me from someone I 'treasured,' not too sure any more.

Heather, you are a pain. Does it hurt to hear that? - then -

The only way you are a pain to me, is because you keep thinking you are being a pain.

I am stuck on this, originally I felt hurt, now I realize I disassociated, I must still be there because I can't get past the stunned feeling looming over me and I'm recalling more painful stuff that is overwhelming me, I'm being bombarded and feel really sad..I have always thought everything was my fault and while writing this and getting some distance, I think that is what I'm seeing right now, in the process of learning about me I'd like some/any feedback, it isn't clear to me because I'm stuck in it.

How does this strike anyone else, I need to get lined up, see if I'm over reacting and how to react next time it comes up, it will. I'm also getting a messages from Mum, get over it, how can you say that, he wouldn't have said that if there wasn't a reason, which all add to the demoralization of it all.

:wall:
Thanks,
Heather

 

[becvan]

Well how I read it is, that your being a pain in the butt because you think you are being a pain in the butt when your not. Basically stop thinking your a pain in the butt because your not.

Sounds like a decent friend to me. He/she is pointing a negative thinking pattern that you do and telling you to cut it out.

bec

btw: I think you posted this in the wrong spot. It would have been better off in Chat PTSD.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear heather, hello,I believe they might mean that it's time for you to have some self worth, and that you are NOT a pain, so stop thinking/ talking/ feeling and acting as if you are one. I think they actually mean it as more of a compliment (in the big sense that they care about you and don't feel that you are being a pain), and also as constructive criticism- time to think of yourself with the value that they do.

 

[Cin]

I read it how the others read it. The only way you are being a pain to this person is by thinking you are one. They obviously care and don't see you as a burden and want you to stop seeing yourself as one too.

 

[heather q]

Becvan & Junebug, thanks for your comments, I hear what your saying, I don't know how to feel differently from how I feel, that is precisely the problem, when I get a comment I shut-down, I don't know how to get out of it, it's a spiral down, can't face coming back up, don't know where back up is.

How do I move this to the chat PTSD,
Heather

 

[becvan]

Becvan & Junebug, thanks for your comments, I hear what your saying, I don't know how to feel differently from how I feel, that is precisely the problem, when I get a comment I shut-down, I don't know how to get out of it, it's a spiral down, can't face coming back up, don't know where back up is.

How do I move this to the chat PTSD,
Heather

You'll have to pm a mod and ask them to move it.

It takes time and a lot of work to begin to feel differently. Do you have a therapist you could work with on this? A good idea would also be to check the PTSD information sections and read up on self esteem. It's a good place to start. You can do this! You are worth it!

bec

 

[heather q]

Feedback, thanks

Becvan,

Thankyou, I put in the request to move it over, I appreciate your feedback, I shall look into the self esteem issue, I know self-esteem is at the bottom of it as I don't yet feel the right to belong, so I've got quite a way to go, I do have a therapist and will talk to him about it.

I'd already talked about it but had bigger stuff at the same time, will give it another shot, I'm pretty new at this and it feels like a foreign language, I don't feel quite as stuck as I did, so it's a good start.
Heather

 

[Ursa]

How can I find this thread about self-steem? I am looking over and over and I am not finding it.

Thanks

 

[anthony]

You can find more information on self esteem, confidence, etc in the [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/forum20.html"]interpersonal skills[/DLMURL] forum.

 

[freya]

Heather, I can relate to what you wrote...

One thing I'm only recently realizing for myself is that having PTSD can make you feel like you're a pain to others.
If you don't know you have PTSD or how PTSD plays a role in it, it's very hard to really realize how your reactions are colored by PTSD and how this affects others.

Though I only have the diagnosis of PTSD since about a year, I realize I must have had it from an early age on. I can now see how I'm totally confused about communication. How I ofen giv (defensive) responses that are logical and 'congruent' to ME, but that are out of line to others.
At the same time I've also always been aware that somehow my responses were not 'right'. I would ache over causing the other person pain by being overly defensive. I would not understand, after a few days have passed, WHY I reacted so defensively. I did not understand myself and I was not in touch with the real intentions of the other person at the moment his behavior triggered me.

So in my case, I think that's where my feeling of 'being a pain to others' comes from.
My hope is that as I go along and learn about PTSD and learn new behavior, I will not be so 'difficult to be with' anymore and that some of this feeling of 'being a pain' will subside that way.

I"m not sure if I've expressed myself well enough here. Still hope this is helpful in some way.

Freya

 

[Tinyflame]

heather, I would try to trust your friend's opinion as you work on your own stuff. Try not to overthink it, -just try to take their words to heart and use as a sort-of source of confidence in yourself. I believe I understand what freya means, I have felt that way very much also, -especially too not recognizing at the moment that ptsd could have a very large part to play in it (triggers, as well, as freya said). For myself, I would say too, that sometimes not being in touch with my own emotions colors a lot of my interpretation (and that nasty black-or-white thinking).

 

[Ursa]

Thank you Anthony!