Question How Can I Not Be a Pain?
Hello Heather Q. I read your experienceg with interest. There are two issues you raise, the rather cryptic email from your 'friend', - "Heather, you are a pain. Does it hurt to hear that? - then - The only way you are a pain to me, is because you keep thinking you are being a pain." The second issue I would like to comment on is your mother and her behaviour.
You are diagnosed with PTSD. Was the friend who told you that you "are a pain' also informed that you had PTSD? Since this is information that is not known, it makes it a little difficult however, let’s take the high road and assume you are a diagnosed PTSD sufferer, and this 'treasured' friend knew of your condition.
If I make those assumptions then I believe your friend made a very unhelpful comment. First of all, what and how and when and why are you a 'pain'? Your friend's only explanation is “The only way you are a pain to me, is because you keep thinking you are being a pain." How does your friend know what you are thinking, particularly in light of suffering from PTSD?
What on earth does a comment like that mean? Or, have I lost the plot?
Is the author alluding to self-esteem issues? Nobody knows. If it is, surely there is a kinder, more helpful way of saying this to you..I don't want to race off with all the possibilities your friend might have tried to convey with those words, but this same author tells you that you are a pain and "Does it hurt to hear that?" Well I am sorry but to me that seeps of malice not friendship. I am a hypersensitive, hyper vigilant PTSD sufferer of many years, receiving treatment (which is not a good sign I know) and getting an email like that would cause me pain, self-doubt and self-esteem issues
Does calling one a name and asking them if it hurts them help, I am sorry but it does not in my experience unless it is light-hearted exchange who both know it is in jest. It is especially difficult if we/you are trying to be self aware and careful in our interactions with others..
Yes, of course PTSD sufferers behave badly or, in all manners of behaviour's, descriptions or, names or categories or, as in your friend’s case "a pain" You'd need a book to cover all of the behaviours a PTSD sufferer may endure and exhibit. However, neither I, nor you know, what the writer meant.
Does this friend understand there is a real, overwhelming, exhausting, destructive process going through your head called PTSD?. Does this author of the email understand that unwittingly great harm and triggers of all manner, of terrible recollections, flash backs, self-esteem issues and just plain sadness could be re-kindled or flare and burn harder?
Yes, we must be alert to our actions and try to deal with this condition in the least harmful way possible but, any 'friend' who felt you were over-stepping the mark is in my reckoning, is being cowardly sending you an email in the first instance. Emails are for business or social interaction, that's a given, but treasured friend or not, in my humble opinion, those words should have been delivered either by phone or best of all in person. Giving you the chance to ask what is meant and not leaving you ambushed in an emotional sense. .
I must ask, how does this email help you? How does it help anyone to tell them to stop "thinking about pain?"? How can you modify behaviour you are surely fighting and this friend brings down your efforts. Possibly as you described in your post, you are exhibiting pain, therefore you are in a state of pain. Hardly a choice you would willingly make I am sure. So, struggling with issues, having PTSD and thinking about the pain has landed you a cryptic email telling you that you are thinking about it.
I cannot give you any advice on relationships, good grief I lost life long friends due to PTSD, but might I suggest you re-examine your relationship and, if you value it highly, ensure the author of this email is well acquainted with PTSD and, if you do get thrown sideways by PTSD and start behaving like a "pain" from time to time, well a hand up and a kind word in person, would surely be a much more constructive approach. Maybe your friend needs to have this explained to them too.
I am not saying at all that one must ignore criticisms or firm words, which are difficult sometimes to hear, because sometimes PTSD sufferers, like all people, can get a bit in front of themselves. But, again this email is void of anything helpful and appears (correct me if I am wrong, to hurtle you down into the abyss of self-doubt and second guess thinking). Because there is no information into what you are doing. It’s logical that issues of self-esteem will come to the fore with an email such as that. I would suggest you email this friend back and ask for a time and place to meet and or, talk on the telephone, as you have no clue what your friend actually means. I am a bit behind with the times answering your Post. No doubt you have sorted it by now but I just wanted to give you my take on these matters, which are a bit different to the other forum contributors. .
In relation to your mother. How, does she know what you deserve? Though I don't know either of you, domestic relationships ebb and flow, but you being her daughter she should be vigilant to your call. She does or should know what you deserve - love and support, Apparently and unfortunately for you, she is unable to deliver. That is not your fault, I call it emotional absenteeism. How can you just get over something?
I suggest she is evading you problems and calls for help with blocking ‘self talk’ such as, ' I dont want to talk about it.....I cannot handle the emotional pain'....' conversing with my daughter about this incident will force me to go backwards and I don't want to revisit'. But not for your comfort rather, her own.
Everyone wants friends and family to get along well and go back to the way they were if that was a good positive state. So many fail to understand that PTSD does not have a "Use By Date" and there are certainly "No Refunds"" and the daughter (you) before your mother is now changed and will continue to change for as long as it takes. hopefully using support from a professional and learn to stand tall again. Your mother appears to have taken sides and you have drawn the shortest stick. Try, try, and try to not take on board such badly reasoned statements from people who are supposed to be there for you. Maybe someday they will get over themselves and look at what you have endured and finally, will care, But, don't hold your breath.
Statements such as "...how can you say that, he wouldn't have said that if there wasn't a reason..." are damaging and and self-serving.. Don't take onboard statements like that; they are like arrows into your heart. Whatever was done, the traumas you have endured, the actions of other people which have irrevocably changed you, Whatever he said, and the reason he said what he did, remember the blame lies at the feet of the perpetrators, not yours, not ever. People whom you should be able to call on for help but do not respond, does not make it any easier for you. But, you can endure and succeed and go on to have the life that you want.
Go well
Blackemerald1.
