How Can I Reduce Contact With My Mother? (and Get Away With It)

[ghotiff]

@FindingMyself88 - I’m really sorry about your college experience with your mum. Yes, I totally agree that to hold my boundary I need to get to a point where my needs are more important than her wants…I’m just not there yet. I believe that my family do know about my mum….but we don’t discuss it…I hadn’t thought of this though and it makes me feel more comfortable about any potential consequences. Also, when you described how your T said your mum was emotionally abusive it stood out to me. My ex-T told me that on-going child sexual abuse doesn’t happen unless the child is from a dysfunctional family. I still don’t know how I feel about that.

@Solara – I like your “home truths”. I suppose I mean that I don’t think she knew and then chose to ignore it, I think she thought it was less that in was and was happy to believe in that and not look further. For example, the first man when I was 7….I have been piecing things together and I think my family (and police) thought he was a ‘flasher’….but that’s not even close to what he did to me. Similar story with the second man.

@Kas_Can_Fly – Time management and only meeting once a week may well work, and won’t be lying. My mothers brand of manipulation is very subtle and I don’t think its conscious…(This is where I hear the comment from @Solara and Yes, I minimize….maybe one day I won’t)

@arfie – Thanks for your comments, they helped me think through what would and would not work. The “I’m sick” won’t work as she would want to ‘help’ me. I agree with you and I don’t like lying, but I’ve always had to hide stuff from people which usually is hiding the reasons for doing or not doing things. I know it sounds really ridiculous, but I have a system for not getting confused with these lies (my new-T calls them ‘edits’, which I really like). Eg I worked out that this ‘edit’ would work for anyone who asks/comments about how much extra TV my kids are watching at the moment …which is...“because I’m hoping to teach them self-regulation”, rather than the actual truth which is “because I’ve been lying in bed just trying to hold myself together”. To me it is like when people ask me “How are you” – the truth is not a socially acceptable answer.

 

[Promicarus]

@ghotiff

I second the opinion of @Solara ( or at least what I've interpreted it to be)...in other words, that one of the most frequent responses/reactions seen in those suffering from trauma is "absolving their abuser".

I know I did the same for a very very long time. After all, it only seems the bigger thing to do. And when you've been through something that has made you feel small already, you would like to do everything in your power to rise to the world's standards, rather than be seen in the usually negative light of someone who "blames others for their problems rather than taking responsibility for them". So I think it was well intentioned, on my part, anyway...but maybe more importantly, it contributed to keeping that lid on the whole kettle of stinking fish, which is what I needed to pretend to do in order to function on a daily basis...to "just put it behind me". After all, when you've got enough to try to live with, what's the point of choosing to heap more bitterness and bile and resentment on an already full plate, if you can choose not to?

I've since learned though that there is a distinction between blame and acknowledging responsibility. "Blame is for God and children" is one of my favorite quotes (from the movie papillon)...or "The only person who actually knows exactly who's to blame for what, and how much, is God, after all...and if you are using blame, yourself, then you're just still an emotional child looking for an excuse to not have to grow up, by playing the victim, and claiming your adoption of failure is justifiable", or words to that effect.

But until I allowed myself to attribute responsibility where it was justifiably earned...I resented myself...even though I wasn't aware of it. Some part of me knew it was being dishonest and not calling a spade a spade...and that part lost respect for the other part. And that was much more damaging in the long run, I now realize...to me.

I don't know your situation, of course, but just food for thought

 

[ghotiff]

@Promicarus

I appreciate your thoughts. I really don't know how much responsibility to give my mother for not noticing what was going on (twice).

The added layer is that I have kids and I'm petrified of missing something and making the same mistake my mother did. Every time I read books that encourage me to pass responsibility to my mother and that criticize parenting failures...they just leave me cold and in fear that I am damaging my children. I am not a perfect parent...but no one is. I don't know yet how to resolve these two conflicting lines of thinking, responsibility to my parents, but compassion to myself.

 

[Promicarus]

@ghotiff
kudos. From what I've read, you're making legitimate attempts to parse it out gradually, which I think is best. So often evidence mounts only slowly, as we finally begin the quest of assembling the puzzle. A good sign, I think--if you were to suddenly arrive at a snap decision, it would almost certainly arise from some passion, instead...or the desire to simply be done with the responsibility of having to see it clearly, finally. And I do sympathize--parental responsibility does truly span a range of almost none on one end, to overwhelming at the other, depending entirely on the unique circumstances.

For example, I'd be hard pressed to hold a mother responsible for discovering a single incident of abuse, when her son/daughter exhibited no outward signs whatsoever, and told no one..."negligent denial"...is that even a thing? Maybe it should be...Like negligent homicide. But you probably know what I mean...something that any mother appropriately engaged in her responsibilities of motherhood, who is also of sound mind, should have been responsible for being/making herself aware of.

For example, my father lived so long in Mexico, actually living AS a Latin American (undercover for foreign intelligence-25years)...that he was IN EVERY WAY the picture of the stereotypical Latin male. I recall him for example asking my mother how to translate spanish phrases...INTO ENGLISH, for example. And my mother told me herself that he never seem to feel relaxed happy or at all free until we returned to Mexico (which we did at least once/month...because ALL OUR FRIENDS WERE THERE).

But of course, he spoke English with no accent....but everything else about him was glaringly latin american. Even my Latin friends, just upon viewing his picture...always say "Oh! Your father was Mexican!"

So taking this blueprint out into the world and using it as the basis for interaction AS an anglo-american male, and without the slightest inkling that it might be different from the way others communicated/thought or what was expected of me...and with no explanation as to why I could absolutely not understand any of the people who were supposed to be "my people"....nor could they understand me...and which left me without any explanation to offer them as to "what was the matter" with me. Yay!

Did I mention this all occurred in a small town in Texas?

So my mother, as a competent college graduate and otherwise respected member of the community...had every reason to have been aware that this could pose a bit of a...snag, so to speak. Right? She herself mentioned to me that he disliked anglo americans and only felt comfortable in Mexico. So she obviously had all of the pieces of the puzzle to work with, herself.

But upon finally confronting her with this as the basis of essentially an entire life of futility rejection and abject confusion...she systematically shut me down to the point of refusing to even allow me to finish another sentence, liberally heaping scathing scorn upon my own head for "playing the victim" and "how ridiculous it is that I would even come up with such a thing".

Huh. Go figure. And it wasn't even a kind of "LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME!" Kind of diatribe, at all...more of a "coming out", as though I was coming out of the closet, finally...but coming out as Latin. How's that for a kicker? Where's blthe precedent for that?

So anyway, apologies. That got a little more sideways than it likely should have. But I included it just as a contrast... what responsibility at the ENTIRE OTHER END OF THE SPECTRUM looks like.

And the thing is, that I did the same thing for 40 years...If I'm a self-respecting adult, a man, I won't make my problems others problems, will suck it up and make it work. Point being that the degree of self-delusion in PTSD can be staggering in retrospect.

And from the sound of it, your children are blessedly fortunate to have you...someone so considerate of her responsibilities due to her own trials. Be well