How Complex Is Too Complex?

[Notsowild]

Therapy is kind of helping, but sometimes I just feel like there are just too many traumas that are all too complex and tangled and knotted into an impossible web and I wonder where do I exist in all of that kno,what is it about me that draws out the evil in others when I seek only to give pure kindness, am I just being too naive and when is complex too complex?

This is a lot like me. Multiple traumas - sexual abuse my whole childhood by my father, verbally and physically abusive ex, near fatal car accident, verbally abusive boss. I always think there are too many traumas to work through. I have also had years of depersonalization and dissociation. I can always relate to your threads. Hope you're well.

Yes, it is the harder way to do it. Yes, it is the more dangerous way to do. Yes, it does really work, but therapists won't do it because it would breach nearly every one of their guidelines for client safety and they wouldn't have the time required for just that one clients needs during the process.

Okay then that's what my T and I have been doing for weeks now. I'm barely holding on. But it was definetly something that needed to get out. I thought it was too much at first. But all these deep dark secrets from my childhood came pouring out. It really does work? Promise

 

[Rumors]

I like to think about Socrates who said, "the secret to change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but building the new."
When I was able to go at my worst stories realizing that each one was just a stepping stone for a better me, I was able to see them as "just stories" and we all have a few. They don't define who I am anymore. They are just stories just like going to 3rd grade math is a story, but they don't make up my everyday life any longer.

I can say to myself, "I am safe...that was a long time ago and I am ok now." For us control freaks, that is a hard venture to undertake! Telling yourself that you are safe and that nothing is going to happen is like lighting the fuse on a stick of dynamite for the first few times you utter those words! How can you know that everything is ok? What if it isn't ok? Well, if you are living in the moment and reminding yourself that "today, right now, I am ok" that can bring a certain peace to your soul. Then you begin to realize those things are just stories of your past...before you realize it has happened, those stories loose power over you.

Good luck!!!! Sending loads of strength to beat the trauma stories down and make them loose power!!!

 

[Anarchy]

Deeply confused here

It sounds uncomfortably like something that the first church of... does. and I suspect that it is not done there for the benefit of individual church members.

Is there a point where the many can be abstracted as a single big aggregated mass (we each have only one HPA axis to dysregulate) without any loss of ability to minimise and manage the debilitating effects?

there also seem to be hints of an instance of a cost of production or labour theory of value creeping in

allong the lines of "this is really hard and dangerous, therefore it is really good"

whereas the only reason to take those risks or endure the unpleasantness would be in the expectation of a greater subjective benefit at the end.

 

[ms spock]

This is a lot like me. Multiple traumas - sexual abuse my whole childhood by my father... I always think there are too many traumas to work through. I have also had years of depersonalization and dissociation. I can always relate to your threads. Hope you're well.

I have this too. Sometimes I think there is too much to deal with as well. I am trying to stay with the feelings.

 

[Disquieted]

I just wanted to say that I have thought the same thing about the bad things that have happened to me (I still won't refer to any of it as trauma). I'm too messed up to even know where to start. I lost all my friends and cut out family members...now I'm trying to pick up the pieces, reconnect and heal.
I wish you peace.

 

[maryiscontrary]

OH Sweetheart! Boy, do I understand what it's like to the the world's scapegoat. It sounds like you and I could have been twins....but I am older than you, and I have figured out a few tricks.

First develop boundaries. Honey, you have to be around safe people. Weed out the dysfunctional ones. Here are my iron clad boundaries....laws set in stone like commandments, that I follow. Maybe you can use some of these.

I will distance myself from
1. liars.
2. addicts (not just drugs)
3. People who have problems processing empathy (this is MOST important----if after you make an effort at "nonviolent communication" to express your view, and they still don't get you----LET THEM GO, major loose screw with processing empathy there, nothing to do with you)
4. People who are reckless and will not promote safety.

If you stick with these boundaries like glue, over 3-6 months, you will have much better relationships. I promise.

THEN, if you can calmly sit with yourself, you can process layer after layer of trauma, without having screwed up people mess up your self work. It is like a onion, just work with layer after layer. You cannot do this if the Epic Bags of Dicks (EBoD) folks are heaping on more adrenaline and trauma.

Godspeed, sweetheart, you have so much to offer. the world.

 

[rainy_daze]

EBoD :hilarious:, my new favourite phrase/acronym :D. That's a good list of boundaries too.

 

[ms spock]

if after you make an effort at "nonviolent communication" to express your view,

What is non violent communication? Is this a thing? Is there a book?

 

[ghotiff]

What is non violent communication? Is this a thing? Is there a book?

This comment I think was in jest, but in case it wasn't...there is a great book called "crucial conversations" and it's about how to discuss difficult topics. It's a heavy and dense read but very good.

 

[ms spock]

It might have been @Nadia who talked about this, or perhaps @gizmo.

Thanks @ghotiff.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Even better there are free courses, youtube CNVC.org, this is the creator of non violent communication. NVC is a way of communicating that increases the odds you are heard and that you get your needs meet.

Now, when a person is unable to hear you with this technique, RUN. This person is bad news. Time to put up a boundary.

 

[Flowers In Bloom]

"what is it about me that draws out the evil in others when I seek only to give pure kindness"

@Kas_Can_Fly I think it's because on some level, deep down and hidden away, they know that you are someone they can never be. And they hate you for it. If they can't have it (a good essence), they don't want anyone to have it, and they certainly don't want to be reminded that it exists.