We have been together a year..he was diagnosed 7 months ago..takes meds does therapy! He pushed me away before he was diagnosed and came back to me after he was diagnosed..opened up alot to me! We live 4 hurs apart so we dont see alot of each other but when we do we are very close..talk play hold hands but when we part he pushes me away...we have open good communication. After this last visit he seems more pulled back and kind of went off on me tellin me what he doesnt like about me and he needs space! So i am giving it to him....I am just frustrated!!
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Relationship How D I Deal With The Pull Me Closer And Then Push Me Away?
- Post starter sweetgirl
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Lady of Longbourn
VIP Member
Hope you don't mind me answering. Sometimes its good to have a difference perspective, though I am sure the other supporters will have better advice and understanding.
I am a sufferer but I am trying a lot to understand my own relationship with my supporter to befit both of us.
It's great your sufferer is getting help and support.
But with my experience with my own health, sometimes relationships are just to much trouble to deal with. Maybe that sounds harsh, what I mean is we can't handle it. It's to overwhelming. To much is expected and to much is wanted that we can not give.
Sometimes I can't even dress myself every day, I'll walk around in my PJ's all day. I wont shower. It's hard to give anymore of myself to my supporter.I often will feel guilty about this too, which can lead to depression and outbursts of anger.
I would read:
[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/ptsd-the-impact-on-relationships-continued.4941/[/DLMURL]
And...
[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/[/DLMURL]
One thing I have learned from the great supporters on this forum is that you really have to take care of yourself too or you will get burned out.
Take care!
I am a sufferer but I am trying a lot to understand my own relationship with my supporter to befit both of us.
It's great your sufferer is getting help and support.
But with my experience with my own health, sometimes relationships are just to much trouble to deal with. Maybe that sounds harsh, what I mean is we can't handle it. It's to overwhelming. To much is expected and to much is wanted that we can not give.
Sometimes I can't even dress myself every day, I'll walk around in my PJ's all day. I wont shower. It's hard to give anymore of myself to my supporter.I often will feel guilty about this too, which can lead to depression and outbursts of anger.
I would read:
[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/ptsd-the-impact-on-relationships-continued.4941/[/DLMURL]
And...
[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/[/DLMURL]
One thing I have learned from the great supporters on this forum is that you really have to take care of yourself too or you will get burned out.
Take care!
- Post starter
- #3
Thank you Aeysha...ur perspective is welcome and he has said some days its to much!! He doesnt like to deal with anything but work on the base. But he always looks to me for something..i guess right now he just needs to search himself and i will let him! Thank you for the reads I much appreciate it!! Take care of yourself!!!
The work he does on the base is his "comfort zone" which is why he can easily deal with that. The other things outside of his work at the base are stressors. They can be either good or bad stressors, it doesn't matter. PTSD is a stress disorder and when there is too much of any kind of stress it can cause them to shut down. You are smart to give him the space right now and allow him to find his center again.
The longer he is in therapy the better he will be able to manage his PTSD. It never goes away, but it does become more managable. My guy has combat PTSD from his time in the military and I have found with him it's important that he keep busy. He likes to get up early and have things to do each day. Even if it's just yard work or fixing the sink. An activity is planned for the days he doesn't work so he feels he has purpose. When he gets bored and has nothing that needs to be done he gets a little more jumpy. Sometimes we just take a drive around town on the days that nothing really needs to be done. Not everyone is like this - you will probably know more what your guy needs. As Ayesha said, she at times just needs PJ days where she does nothing all day to find her center again. (for the record, I don't have PTSD and I LOVE PJ days too Ayesha :D)
Only being diagnosed 7 months ago, I am sure he is still learning about PTSD himself. Give it time and be kind to yourself. And learn as much as you can about PTSD!
Sisu
The longer he is in therapy the better he will be able to manage his PTSD. It never goes away, but it does become more managable. My guy has combat PTSD from his time in the military and I have found with him it's important that he keep busy. He likes to get up early and have things to do each day. Even if it's just yard work or fixing the sink. An activity is planned for the days he doesn't work so he feels he has purpose. When he gets bored and has nothing that needs to be done he gets a little more jumpy. Sometimes we just take a drive around town on the days that nothing really needs to be done. Not everyone is like this - you will probably know more what your guy needs. As Ayesha said, she at times just needs PJ days where she does nothing all day to find her center again. (for the record, I don't have PTSD and I LOVE PJ days too Ayesha :D)
Only being diagnosed 7 months ago, I am sure he is still learning about PTSD himself. Give it time and be kind to yourself. And learn as much as you can about PTSD!
Sisu
- Post starter
- #5
Thanks Sisu....he definately does like to stay busy hes always doing something..helping others..involving himself in things! He has taken in 2 room mates which is driving him crazy at least one is. She was a friend of a friend with no where to go and is doing nothing to help herself..he asked me to talk with her but then didnt like what I had to say..she is living off his kindness so i have stepped away from that sitsuation and just support him!! I am not sure of the severity of his PTSD because I am not there alot I have seen the nightmares and some of the withdrawl. I am always the one who gets pushed away and right now I am frustrated and seem to be withdrawing myself!!!
Yours takes in roommates, mine takes in dogs. I affectionately call him "crazy dog dude"....(you know, instead of crazy cat lady :p ) I think that staying busy for these military guys with PTSD is like keeping in their "comfort zone". When they were deployed they were told what to pack, what to wear each day, what job they had to do that day, etc. ~ and they worked 7 days a week.
Being 4 hours away can be both a blessing and a curse. He can hide lots of his symptoms from you - so you really have no way of knowing how severe his PTSD is right now. I didn't know the severity of my guys PTSD for a couple of years. He hid it from me and I saw him a lot. We live in the same area, just different parts of town. He both wanted to protect me from his evils and not show me what a bad person he was. Both of these things were not true once I knew the severity of his PTSD - but me knowing the depth of his PTSD puts him in a vulnerable position. He had to trust me 110% and know that I would not judge him. (I would never have done that anyway, but you know how it feels to reveal a self perceived weakness to someone ~ especially as a man)
As for the pushing away - I have found that the ones who get pushed away are the ones they love the most and are the most comfortable with. With other people he can fake how he feels - they don't know him like you do so he can pretend that he is okay. But you know. He can't fake it with you - so when he just can't deal with it, you get shut out first. It sucks - but in time and with communication he may be able to stop doing it as much. I can tell when my BF is overloaded - I can see it in his face, hear it in his voice and see it in his body language. I have learned how to read him and react and we can usually get through everything unscathed. I think it helps that he can share what he is feeling and thinking with me when he is going through a rough patch and know that I will listen and not judge. We have a high level of trust which is very important. And it also helps that I don't take it personally - I know it IS his PTSD.
Sort of rambling (as usual). Take care!
Being 4 hours away can be both a blessing and a curse. He can hide lots of his symptoms from you - so you really have no way of knowing how severe his PTSD is right now. I didn't know the severity of my guys PTSD for a couple of years. He hid it from me and I saw him a lot. We live in the same area, just different parts of town. He both wanted to protect me from his evils and not show me what a bad person he was. Both of these things were not true once I knew the severity of his PTSD - but me knowing the depth of his PTSD puts him in a vulnerable position. He had to trust me 110% and know that I would not judge him. (I would never have done that anyway, but you know how it feels to reveal a self perceived weakness to someone ~ especially as a man)
As for the pushing away - I have found that the ones who get pushed away are the ones they love the most and are the most comfortable with. With other people he can fake how he feels - they don't know him like you do so he can pretend that he is okay. But you know. He can't fake it with you - so when he just can't deal with it, you get shut out first. It sucks - but in time and with communication he may be able to stop doing it as much. I can tell when my BF is overloaded - I can see it in his face, hear it in his voice and see it in his body language. I have learned how to read him and react and we can usually get through everything unscathed. I think it helps that he can share what he is feeling and thinking with me when he is going through a rough patch and know that I will listen and not judge. We have a high level of trust which is very important. And it also helps that I don't take it personally - I know it IS his PTSD.
Sort of rambling (as usual). Take care!
- Post starter
- #7
Sisu...Thank you!! Some of this I was thinking to myself but then thought I may be just imagining I was important to him!! He asked me for space and I have given it to him yet he still txt me. Today he said hes having a bad day at work, I wasnt going to respond but that would be a sign of not caring. So I told him I could offer him a big hug and an ear and I am trying to give him the space he asked for. He responded with he will vent to me tonight when he gets home!! Geeeez...Nothing like feeling like a yo-yo!!!
Yes, you can sort of feel like a yo-yo at times....he is finding his way in the relationship with you and working on his PTSD as well as maintaining the appearance of a normal life to the "outsiders"...(co-workers, roommates, etc.) Just let him know that you are there - build up that trust with him - AND take care of YOU!
Hi. I'm having a difficult time right now and came across this post... just reaching out. I have a friend (term used loosely as I would define our relationship as much more complicated and involved than that), who recently came back from a long tour in Afghanistan. We have a really unique relationship that some may describe as a complicated mess, but there's an undeniable love we have for each other. Whether that's a romantic love or just an incredibly deep connection with mutual platonic love for the other person, neither of us are clear on. We are both in a place in our lives where we have the opportunity to explore that further and in the past 12 months, we've both expressed interest in seeing what it is that this relationship could be, but we are both cautious so nothing is defined.
All of that aside, as I mentioned - he just came back from an extended tour in Afghanistan. He's been back just a few months and I guess I was somewhat expecting things to be really amazing and exciting because he is back safely. I see how naive I was. I expected having a great time with my best friend, welcoming him home, living life to the fullest like we typically do and potentially having the opportunity to explore "us" further if we decided to. When I saw him go into a deep depression when he was on leave, I became really concerned but in all of the reading I've been doing, it says this is all normal for when a soldier comes home and not to push too hard because it can easily overwhelm them. I experienced it first hand (the anger, frustration and deep depression) which threw me off because he's not typically like that. It was hard not to take some of it personally because some was directed towards me and I was unsuccessful in not feeling hurt by all of it. I took some time for myself to sort of re-group and have since been reading a lot more about soldiers coming home. He didn't talk to me for more than a month and finally I broke down and wrote him an email expressing how I didn't like the way things were left between us and that I just simply wanted to check in on him. That evening he reached out and told me he thought he was suffering from PTSD. He was in a mood that night that allowed him to be open and was vulnerable and so we were able to successfully talk about things. I made sure to let him know that I appreciated him confiding in me and assured him that I would be checking in (since he swore me to secrecy.)
The problem I am facing is that he has this wonderful ability to let me in to his world - to let me see his most vulnerable self and to be open and honest with me. But then he has this frustrating and difficult part of himself where he has the ability to shut people out of his life forever and not even think twice about it. I've never been on that side of him - I've always somehow remained someone he knows he can count on and I really think that shows the strength of our relationship and proves that it's something really special. But lately, I feel like I'm the only one he is shutting out. It's been like a flip of a switch. He talks to other people (friends and family) and I've seen pictures come across my news feed that proves he's at least out socializing. But I'll try calling, send him a text or an email and I won't get anything back... not even a "hi." He literally just flat out ignores me. It's strange because he is able to be happy, smiling and seemingly having a good time with everyone... but he's shutting me out. It goes in this roller coaster fashion... he lets me in when he wants and he shuts me out when he wants... he's in complete control of that. I recognize I can't control what he does or does not do - I don't even want that... but it's hard not to take it personal. It gets to a point like where I'm at today where I actually start to question myself... I lose confidence in our relationship as friends because I wonder how he can treat me like this. I have to remind myself over and over that it's not about me. And I come to this place where I remind myself that he's pushing me away because he cares about me and it's too hard for him... but then I wonder if I am just feeding myself a bunch of crap to justify his actions. Woah. Roller Coaster. I've never felt so non-confident! So it's confusing and I feel an overwhelming stress/worry for him, a sadness because I miss him and a complete confusion on what I should do. I want to be there for him... but I also know I have to make sure I'm taking care of myself as well.
I feel with everything in me that this is not the time for me to walk away from him - if he ever needed someone to be there, it's now. But I also recognize that it's unhealthy for me to hold back in my own life, holding on to hope that something will shift for him and he'll be able to let me into his life in the way that would be satisfying for both of us. I'm okay with giving this some time so I can observe what is really going on and I do have a time frame for how long I'm willing to ride the roller coaster before I have to make a decision solely for myself. But in the meantime, I'm just trying to reach out for support or guidance on how to successfully deal with being in this situation... I recognize that pushing him too much could actually be detrimental and do more harm than good... sometimes I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and I'm just not sure how to navigate this.
Any support/guidance would be so much appreciated.
All of that aside, as I mentioned - he just came back from an extended tour in Afghanistan. He's been back just a few months and I guess I was somewhat expecting things to be really amazing and exciting because he is back safely. I see how naive I was. I expected having a great time with my best friend, welcoming him home, living life to the fullest like we typically do and potentially having the opportunity to explore "us" further if we decided to. When I saw him go into a deep depression when he was on leave, I became really concerned but in all of the reading I've been doing, it says this is all normal for when a soldier comes home and not to push too hard because it can easily overwhelm them. I experienced it first hand (the anger, frustration and deep depression) which threw me off because he's not typically like that. It was hard not to take some of it personally because some was directed towards me and I was unsuccessful in not feeling hurt by all of it. I took some time for myself to sort of re-group and have since been reading a lot more about soldiers coming home. He didn't talk to me for more than a month and finally I broke down and wrote him an email expressing how I didn't like the way things were left between us and that I just simply wanted to check in on him. That evening he reached out and told me he thought he was suffering from PTSD. He was in a mood that night that allowed him to be open and was vulnerable and so we were able to successfully talk about things. I made sure to let him know that I appreciated him confiding in me and assured him that I would be checking in (since he swore me to secrecy.)
The problem I am facing is that he has this wonderful ability to let me in to his world - to let me see his most vulnerable self and to be open and honest with me. But then he has this frustrating and difficult part of himself where he has the ability to shut people out of his life forever and not even think twice about it. I've never been on that side of him - I've always somehow remained someone he knows he can count on and I really think that shows the strength of our relationship and proves that it's something really special. But lately, I feel like I'm the only one he is shutting out. It's been like a flip of a switch. He talks to other people (friends and family) and I've seen pictures come across my news feed that proves he's at least out socializing. But I'll try calling, send him a text or an email and I won't get anything back... not even a "hi." He literally just flat out ignores me. It's strange because he is able to be happy, smiling and seemingly having a good time with everyone... but he's shutting me out. It goes in this roller coaster fashion... he lets me in when he wants and he shuts me out when he wants... he's in complete control of that. I recognize I can't control what he does or does not do - I don't even want that... but it's hard not to take it personal. It gets to a point like where I'm at today where I actually start to question myself... I lose confidence in our relationship as friends because I wonder how he can treat me like this. I have to remind myself over and over that it's not about me. And I come to this place where I remind myself that he's pushing me away because he cares about me and it's too hard for him... but then I wonder if I am just feeding myself a bunch of crap to justify his actions. Woah. Roller Coaster. I've never felt so non-confident! So it's confusing and I feel an overwhelming stress/worry for him, a sadness because I miss him and a complete confusion on what I should do. I want to be there for him... but I also know I have to make sure I'm taking care of myself as well.
I feel with everything in me that this is not the time for me to walk away from him - if he ever needed someone to be there, it's now. But I also recognize that it's unhealthy for me to hold back in my own life, holding on to hope that something will shift for him and he'll be able to let me into his life in the way that would be satisfying for both of us. I'm okay with giving this some time so I can observe what is really going on and I do have a time frame for how long I'm willing to ride the roller coaster before I have to make a decision solely for myself. But in the meantime, I'm just trying to reach out for support or guidance on how to successfully deal with being in this situation... I recognize that pushing him too much could actually be detrimental and do more harm than good... sometimes I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and I'm just not sure how to navigate this.
Any support/guidance would be so much appreciated.
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