I have a quick question and was just wondering if anyone would share. How in your relationship ( I guess this would be more for sexual abuse survivors and survivors of physical/emotional trauma) and when in your relationship did your loved one express there PTSD. How much detail was told? Did they give you the option to get out sooner rather than later due to them having an illness. I guess I am still confused and afraid of relationships due to failures directly related to my PTSD IMO. Any information would be greatly appreciated. Thank You!
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General How Did Your Loved One Tell You ?
- Post starter pandora
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I've known my girlfriend for about 6-7 years, but after the first couple years we lost contact for a while, and during that time she had obtained ptsd. She wasn't able to find me for a while, but I was on her mind! I had kind of moved on with my life, thought of her occasionally, just didn't know where she was, couldn't find her on facebook or through her friends or anything. 2 years ago a message popped up from her, and she wanted to catch up with me. But we fell hard and fast for each other. She told me about her trauma, but I was blindly taking it as a grain of salt, I thought "Surely, my personality and emotions will help her forget all of that crap!" and it did take a while for us to find the right help for her until a therapist diagnosed her with ptsd. It gave her more clarity about the feelings she was having, the sudden rages or deep sadness and anger she was feeling. But my caring abilities became more fatigued. It became much harder to care about her feelings. I was warned.
In the first year of this relationship, it was hell for months at a time, had to deal with her crying and trying to figure out her emotions, find herself, things like that. The ptsd, I felt like it was some stupid label and she didn't need it. Sometimes it felt like she was using it for an excuse of why things were happening the way they were. It really made me feel desensitized, and I lost my care of emotions for her on numerous occasions.
Eventually she did figure herself out. Now, she still has some sort of episodes or phases where she'll need to know where I am, what I'm doing. It does get annoying but I have to just be patient and let her know where I am, remind her that I love her and why. We're in a long-distance relationship, and the PTSD has almost come to what FEELS like a close, but after reading a lot of other's stories and diaries and whatnot, I feel like it's not anywhere close to over yet.
When proposing to someone, one of the top questions is "Imagine her at her worst. Now imagine her permanently 5 times worse. Would you still love her?" ... that is a hard one for me to fathom. Can I let myself go that far with her? I DO love her. At what cost ... still trying to figure this out.
Thanks for letting me vent. Good question ...
In the first year of this relationship, it was hell for months at a time, had to deal with her crying and trying to figure out her emotions, find herself, things like that. The ptsd, I felt like it was some stupid label and she didn't need it. Sometimes it felt like she was using it for an excuse of why things were happening the way they were. It really made me feel desensitized, and I lost my care of emotions for her on numerous occasions.
Eventually she did figure herself out. Now, she still has some sort of episodes or phases where she'll need to know where I am, what I'm doing. It does get annoying but I have to just be patient and let her know where I am, remind her that I love her and why. We're in a long-distance relationship, and the PTSD has almost come to what FEELS like a close, but after reading a lot of other's stories and diaries and whatnot, I feel like it's not anywhere close to over yet.
When proposing to someone, one of the top questions is "Imagine her at her worst. Now imagine her permanently 5 times worse. Would you still love her?" ... that is a hard one for me to fathom. Can I let myself go that far with her? I DO love her. At what cost ... still trying to figure this out.
Thanks for letting me vent. Good question ...
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- #4
Thank you Adam for taking the time to answer. Maybe one day I will get this relationship thing right! It is so hard to know what is the right thing to do IMO. I have had trouble in my interpersonal relationships and would like to get it right next time! One relationship found out mid way through me finding out as well and broke up with me as he said I had changed sooooo much and then the next broke up with me after 6 weeks and I was up front from the beginning...he stated that "I was just not ready to date" I tend to agree with him. That was 3 years ago now and I am feeling very lonely and would love to have someone in my life again....I hope all of this self reflection helps. Your girlfriend is lucky to have a partner that cares enough to want to know how to help..
Hi Pandora,
I have been married for 32 years to the same man. I was diagnosed with PTSD during a severe mental breakdown 9 years ago. I didn't know what it meant. I have recently been dx with it again. This time, albeit several months after PTSD was suggested, I got online and researched it. I found this site and was blown away. The light has gone on for both my husband and myself.
I give this background only to say that I couldn't have told him when we were dating that I had PTSD, I didn't know. I did know that I had a
troubled background, major dysfunction in my family. When I realized that I loved him, I told him about my family and about my struggles. I figured he had a right to know so he could make a decision as to whether he wanted to continue a relationship with me. Obviously he did. I was lucky and found a good man who understands that love and marriage can have major bumps in the road. He has stuck by my side through all of it. He is honored to be my trusted companion. And believe me, I have done some terrible things.
So IMHO is this, if the relationship is getting serious, then he deserves to know. If he understands and still wants to be with you, you have found a real jewel. If he doesn't...then you are far better off without him.
I have been married for 32 years to the same man. I was diagnosed with PTSD during a severe mental breakdown 9 years ago. I didn't know what it meant. I have recently been dx with it again. This time, albeit several months after PTSD was suggested, I got online and researched it. I found this site and was blown away. The light has gone on for both my husband and myself.
I give this background only to say that I couldn't have told him when we were dating that I had PTSD, I didn't know. I did know that I had a
troubled background, major dysfunction in my family. When I realized that I loved him, I told him about my family and about my struggles. I figured he had a right to know so he could make a decision as to whether he wanted to continue a relationship with me. Obviously he did. I was lucky and found a good man who understands that love and marriage can have major bumps in the road. He has stuck by my side through all of it. He is honored to be my trusted companion. And believe me, I have done some terrible things.
So IMHO is this, if the relationship is getting serious, then he deserves to know. If he understands and still wants to be with you, you have found a real jewel. If he doesn't...then you are far better off without him.
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- #8
You are so very right! Now I just need to do that. I would think with the amout of therapy I have had, I would have an easier time with this but it is like pulling nails and teeth to get me to look at myself in a positive light. I need to continue to work on this. Life, sometimes it is hard but I guess it is really as hard as we make it to be.
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- #10
It really is as hard or as challenging as we want it to be....I have been doing a lot of soul searching and signed up for a computer class thatgoes from sept to Jan!!! OMG and it is 8:30am- 11:30am..So...I will have something that makes me get up and get out of the house after my son goes to school, I am proud of myself for taking this step. When I was in the outpatent rehab last year..it was one of my goals so I am sticking to it. I go to register on aug 21st. There was also some evening courses that I am considering...meditation, beginners yoga, scrapbooking, beginners meditation and a few others that are all offered in the evening but I have to figure out which one I am going to take. I am really trying to get back into life and get out with others. There is the first step....One foot in front of the other.
:clap: Good for you Pandora! Yes, one foot in front of the other. That is what I am doing too. I am making sure I have dates with friends so I don't isolate completely while I am not working. Need to get online and find out when my gym offers yoga classes too. Wish I had an accountability partner for that one! Keep up the good work!!!!
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- #12
Nicolette
Supporter Admin
Good to read your progress Pandora.
I think the answer to your question will reveal itself when you meet the right person for you. I was told by Anthony within the first two weeks and, due to having no knowledge of PTSD, I didn't think it was any big deal as he seemed pretty normal. It was only when his ex stopped him seeing his kids and causing him no end of grief that I saw a side of PTSD which made me empathize with Anthony for how he suffered and twice I have seen a side of the illness I despise. The cruelty and pushing away is so much harder to deal with when you don't understand the illness.
Honesty is integral in any relationship and I am a big believer if something about your life is going to scare them away then get it out in the open sooner rather than later when you are more attached. This differs to what Iam is saying hence why I say it depends on the right person for you. Anthony is a straight shooter and so I am so that worked well for us. What worked for us may not work for you but may work for someone else.
The thing is, taking PTSD or any baggage out of the equation, the fundamental is that you have to be willing and open to the vulnerability a relationship puts you in while trying to remember that someone in the past is not the person before you. I also believe some are lucky to kiss their prince early only; some have to kiss a lot of frogs first. The defining thing I believe, as Iam states, is that you have to love and value yourself before you can attract the right person for you. I met Anthony at a time when I dumped a guy for not text messaging or emailing me while I was overseas for 4 weeks. I decided at that time that if he couldn't make such a small effort when only in the dating stage he was really wasting my time as his comment "just have fun and we''ll catch up when you get back" meant to me that he wanted a get out of jail free card to have fun while I was away without any consequence. I made a $60 phone call for Germany to tell him I deserved better as if this was an indication in the romance stage it would only worsen if the relationship continued. Like, how would he be if I went overseas after we had been dating for 2 years - he could go out and party and not contact me? - not over my dead body. Again I agree with Iam in that it came down to how I felt about me and I decided overseas no more bull!
Funnily enough, when I first met Anthony in mid Feb 2007, he introduced himself while I was out on the front yard watering the garden. He and his ex had moved next door some months earlier but I had had nothing to do with them however had noticed the woman not being around of late. My son played cricket with Anthony's son and it was through my son being invited to Anthony's son birthday party that the contact started. When Anthony told me he had recently separated my first thought was on no, not another one and couldn't get inside quick enough. I was not going to be a pick me up for some man when I had enough of my own problems. I also was not going to be a rebound for someone recently hurt. This is also part of my change in myself as I used to care about what they thought of me wherein this time I was thinking about me first.
Turns out the night of Anthony's son birthday party I had been invited on a date which I refused so I could do the ironing and told the guy so. This guy offered to come over and help and I thought, nope, had enough of the crap and I need to do my ironing as I had so much on my plate versus going out for a night with someone who was possibly another jerk. About 9pm, when I had finished the ironing, I thought about the birthday party next door and thought I had better lock the house up so went over next door to drop off the key. Anthony too had invited me over but I had said no due to the ironing.
At the party I started talking to Anthony while watching what was going on with a few teenage girls putting themselves in positions they may live to regret. I ended up staying the length of the party just enjoying talking to Anthony and giving him a hand with some of the teenagers. I drove one girl home at 2am so she didn't make a huge mistake due to alcohol.
Talking to Anthony felt right and from that moment on we never spent a day apart except from when he was forced to go interstate as the only option of seeing his kids (I couldn't go as it was only supervised visits). We had our stories to tell and our baggage but we had the same mindset and just wanted to be friends while heading in the same direction. I never had to question myself or him but I hated seeing him sick. The thing which put him above any other man I had dated before was when he called me over and gave me a bunch of flowers to which his house keys were tied in the ribbon. To me that was the biggest sign of honesty and openness as with the key he said "so I could always come over and be with him". After being cheated on, raped and assaulted it was the first time I felt safe. That safeness to me was worth the downside which came with his illness and over time he has gotten better and better at managing himself.
So, in summing up after all the waffling, trust and believe in yourself, think you deserve the best and the rest will fall into place.
I think the answer to your question will reveal itself when you meet the right person for you. I was told by Anthony within the first two weeks and, due to having no knowledge of PTSD, I didn't think it was any big deal as he seemed pretty normal. It was only when his ex stopped him seeing his kids and causing him no end of grief that I saw a side of PTSD which made me empathize with Anthony for how he suffered and twice I have seen a side of the illness I despise. The cruelty and pushing away is so much harder to deal with when you don't understand the illness.
Honesty is integral in any relationship and I am a big believer if something about your life is going to scare them away then get it out in the open sooner rather than later when you are more attached. This differs to what Iam is saying hence why I say it depends on the right person for you. Anthony is a straight shooter and so I am so that worked well for us. What worked for us may not work for you but may work for someone else.
The thing is, taking PTSD or any baggage out of the equation, the fundamental is that you have to be willing and open to the vulnerability a relationship puts you in while trying to remember that someone in the past is not the person before you. I also believe some are lucky to kiss their prince early only; some have to kiss a lot of frogs first. The defining thing I believe, as Iam states, is that you have to love and value yourself before you can attract the right person for you. I met Anthony at a time when I dumped a guy for not text messaging or emailing me while I was overseas for 4 weeks. I decided at that time that if he couldn't make such a small effort when only in the dating stage he was really wasting my time as his comment "just have fun and we''ll catch up when you get back" meant to me that he wanted a get out of jail free card to have fun while I was away without any consequence. I made a $60 phone call for Germany to tell him I deserved better as if this was an indication in the romance stage it would only worsen if the relationship continued. Like, how would he be if I went overseas after we had been dating for 2 years - he could go out and party and not contact me? - not over my dead body. Again I agree with Iam in that it came down to how I felt about me and I decided overseas no more bull!
Funnily enough, when I first met Anthony in mid Feb 2007, he introduced himself while I was out on the front yard watering the garden. He and his ex had moved next door some months earlier but I had had nothing to do with them however had noticed the woman not being around of late. My son played cricket with Anthony's son and it was through my son being invited to Anthony's son birthday party that the contact started. When Anthony told me he had recently separated my first thought was on no, not another one and couldn't get inside quick enough. I was not going to be a pick me up for some man when I had enough of my own problems. I also was not going to be a rebound for someone recently hurt. This is also part of my change in myself as I used to care about what they thought of me wherein this time I was thinking about me first.
Turns out the night of Anthony's son birthday party I had been invited on a date which I refused so I could do the ironing and told the guy so. This guy offered to come over and help and I thought, nope, had enough of the crap and I need to do my ironing as I had so much on my plate versus going out for a night with someone who was possibly another jerk. About 9pm, when I had finished the ironing, I thought about the birthday party next door and thought I had better lock the house up so went over next door to drop off the key. Anthony too had invited me over but I had said no due to the ironing.
At the party I started talking to Anthony while watching what was going on with a few teenage girls putting themselves in positions they may live to regret. I ended up staying the length of the party just enjoying talking to Anthony and giving him a hand with some of the teenagers. I drove one girl home at 2am so she didn't make a huge mistake due to alcohol.
Talking to Anthony felt right and from that moment on we never spent a day apart except from when he was forced to go interstate as the only option of seeing his kids (I couldn't go as it was only supervised visits). We had our stories to tell and our baggage but we had the same mindset and just wanted to be friends while heading in the same direction. I never had to question myself or him but I hated seeing him sick. The thing which put him above any other man I had dated before was when he called me over and gave me a bunch of flowers to which his house keys were tied in the ribbon. To me that was the biggest sign of honesty and openness as with the key he said "so I could always come over and be with him". After being cheated on, raped and assaulted it was the first time I felt safe. That safeness to me was worth the downside which came with his illness and over time he has gotten better and better at managing himself.
So, in summing up after all the waffling, trust and believe in yourself, think you deserve the best and the rest will fall into place.
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