Relationship How Do I Deal With His Distorted Thinking At This Crucial Juncture?

[feetfirst]

After two weeks of alone time processing how very hurt he felt after our last conversation, I received an email a couple of days ago saying he's reached his limit in dealing with

• having to continually acknowledge everything I say;
• feeling I'm being unintentionally cruel when I don't feel heard;
• having most of our conversations focused on my feelings being validated and being heard when it comes to our connection;
• struggling not to take things personally;
• having me not treat him with kid gloves while he has cancer;
• feeling regret for letting me into his heart because my words hurt him so much.

Honestly, I could have listed those items as my areas of concern. His thinking is distorted, and he’s projecting those things onto me. He's dealing with cancer, so not having expectations of him during this period has made it easier for me to let his distorted thinking slide until he's recovered and we can address it more fully. This email, however, suggests that plan isn’t working. He says he recognizes on a logical level that I'm not intentionally hurting him, but rather than realizing that he's distorting things and projecting, he thinks I'm hurting him unintentionally. I’m not perfect, but I do think most of these communication issues are his not mine.

This is not a new issue. He currently feels he needs to figure out if he has the emotional stamina to have me in his life while he has cancer. I'm concerned he doesn't have the emotional stamina to face that many of our communication issues may be based on his distorted thinking. I don't know how to respond to his email without him thinking I’m not taking responsibility and instead putting the blame on him. I'm going to ask for a list of the specific things I said in our last conversation that upset him and how he interpreted those statements. I know a couple of examples he’ll give, but maybe he’ll come to the realization that his feelings are self-generated and not coming from me.

Here's how he reached the first point in the list: After telling him a long story about what I've been learning and thinking about in my meditation class (it's very rare for us to talk about me), he just started talking about something else entirely. I asked if he could at least acknowledge what I said before changing topics, even giving him the example, "wow, that was a lot. thanks for sharing." He continues to think I expect him to acknowledge every single statement I make, which is ridiculous given my example and especially since we have a tradition of letting the other person get their thoughts out before commenting. It's a perfect example of what I mean by distorted thinking.

One huge, very positive difference in this email is instead of dropping the expected bombshell of telling me I can't be in his life, he made it clear that when he is cancer free, he will be better able to handle these issues and wants to put in the effort to work through them because he loves me and wants us to be together. He's just not sure he can keep "playing defense and trying my best not to allow you to hurt me with things you say" while he's dealing with cancer.

If we can't be in each other's life until he's cancer free (he should be having surgery soon and may not need another round of chemo), it's not ideal, but I can live with that. And I told him so a couple of months ago, not long after finding this forum. I do think it would be difficult for both of us to maintain after a month or so, and I don't want to be flip-flopping. If we're going to take a break, I want us to take a break. I'm concerned he'll interpret me not balking at the idea of an extended break as me not loving him or caring about him. I feel stuck, and I don't know what to do. Your thoughts and insight will be most helpful.

 

[feetfirst]

@EveHarrington I received an email that you replied to this post. It looks as though you may have reconsidered and deleted your response. That's fine, but I want to let you know I highly value the way you call a spade a spade. It may not always be easy to hear, but it's been invaluable in helping me change my thinking and improve my relationship. I'm eager to looking at ways I may be deluding myself. I can only see what I can see. I post here when I need help seeing a situation from a different perspective, not just for support.

 

[dulcia]

• having to continually acknowledge everything I say;

• feeling I'm being unintentionally cruel when I don't feel heard;

• having most of our conversations focused on my feelings being validated and being heard when it comes to our connection;

• struggling not to take things personally;

• having me not treat him with kid gloves while he has cancer;

• feeling regret for letting me into his heart because my words hurt him so much.

My life.

Is his "distorted" way of thinking 24/7? Or does he have other POVs or the ability to see other POVs sometimes?

These things sound like things my SO complains about (i.e. my inability to not take things personally, his feeling that I live in a bubble and am unable to cope with what he calls the harshness of the real world, my need for affection/validation, my having emotions LOL, etc.), but only when he's ZDT or stressed to the point he's his 'mean self' and not his 'normal self'. Only when he comes down from it can we dig into what the real problems are or what exact behaviors of mine his complaints are stemming from.

 

[feetfirst]

@Link Removed I know it happens when he's escalated, but this email was two weeks after the escalation, although he may have still been escalated since he describes himself as "very hurt." When he's not escalated, it doesn't seem to be an issue.

I don't know if you experience this too or not, but the times we have the most honest and vulnerable discussions are immediately after he comes down from an escalation. The last time was in October when he couldn't understand how I could feel anything but secure in his love and trust in me. He distorts it into me having "serious insecurities," rather than realizing it's the mixed messages he gives me. When escalated, he always believes I'm the problem. When vulnerable, he goes on at length about how he's lost and broken and that I'm not the issue. And yet, when escalated he gets angry if he feels I dismiss the negativity, saying I need to honor those feelings.

I'm glad he wants to address it, but I think what he really wants is for me to acknowledge that his claims are accurate and for me to change. At this point, we have to address it. I'm just unsure how to do it in a way he'll be able to hear me.

 

[dulcia]

he may have still been escalated

I like the term "escalated" a lot. I sometimes use ZDT or triggered when he's not really all the way there yet for lack of a better word. Thanks for this one.

the times we have the most honest and vulnerable discussions are immediately after he comes down from an escalation.

Same. Happened this weekend actually. He became "escalated" in the car the morning after driving for 3 hours just to try and patch things up with me. I voiced an opinion about something unrelated that bothered me and I said it a frustrated tone, (I was frustrated duh), he escalated. He said some mean (pretty vanilla compared to some of the cruel things he has said when full ZDT, but still not nice) things, I cried. My crying further escalated him and he continued, still harsh but more calmly.

(It was weird. Like he knew he should stop because I was crying and he knew that he doesn't like to see me cry but him being annoyed with the crying because "it doesn't help anything" won over, which is how he was able to speak more quietly and more calmly, but still unable to acknowledge my feelings in the moment. Didn't snap out of it or de-escalate all the way, but didn't escalate to full ZDT like he normally would have. As if he was able to dial it back a notch or two, but not all the way down to regulated. First experience I've had like that with him while escalated and didn't realize it until typing a response to you. Wanted to add it for myself to come back to later.)

We got to where we were going, he got out of the car (slamming the door), and went inside. I walked around the parking lot until I was able to calm down. I cried it out and then met him inside. He was waiting for me and already apologetic. That jumped into a vulnerable conversation about him discussing how I don't deserve the reactions I get sometimes and more apologies. Which is not something we would normally discuss in detail otherwise. Other times it happens is when he's drunk.

When escalated, he always believes I'm the problem.

Ditto. Can't reason him out if when he's escalated, though. Have to wait until we are both back to a more regulated state.

When vulnerable, he goes on at length about how he's lost and broken and that I'm not the issue.

Same. A million times the same.

He distorts it into me having "serious insecurities,"

I get this too. It's not a distortion for me really, though. I do have insecurities and I don't really try to downplay it. It is what it is and I don't think it's a surprise considering some of the stuff I've been through in past relationships and with some of my family stuff. It's something I'm aware of and is a struggle for me, but I'm working on it. What the real issue for me is that my insecurities are elevated to "serious insecurities" in part due to the very personal criticisms and insults he whips out when escalated or ZDT and also in part due to his history of lying. So if he makes no effort to try to control his temper or divert his anger into something else other than a personal attack on me and if he continues to tell me lies, it's not going to help my insecurities to become any less "serious".

I'm just unsure how to do it in a way he'll be able to hear me.

It's frustrating when trying to reason with them becomes an impossible task.. I guess he just has to know how serious you are, whether it's through your words or your actions. And it seems like so far it hasn't worked with just your words...

 

[feetfirst]

I'm definitely not the paragon of security, but more than anything, this forum has helped me feel secure in myself. Hearing others share similar experiences validates the dissonance I feel in my experience. While that's important, even more important to me is learning from those with far more experience how to create and sustain a viable long-term relationship. Sometimes that advice seems counterintuitive, e.g. the more he struggles, the more I need to focus on myself, and yet, it works!

I can't change him. I can only change me, and that's what I'm here to do.

 

[Buttercup]

The thing is, we ALL of us have insecurities. This is really resonating with me now because it seems like every time I show some insecurity in our relationship (which usually has a lot to do with his behavior, but yes, I do react when I know I don't have to), this is when he says it's too much for him and he shuts me out.

Also, I don't know about your situations, but my guy is extremely insecure and often seeks assurance about one thing or another.

I think it's ok for us to be insecure at times and we should be able to express that or ask for reassurance every now and again.

To speak to your original post @feetfirst, exactly! I get this distorted thinking and projection so much. How to deal with it? Will they ever be able to see clearly? or take responsibility?

I'm asking myself these questions now. Can I continue? I just want to support him.

 

[Newtoptsd]

The thing is, we ALL of us have insecurities. This is really resonating with me now because it seems like e...

@tlc you have no idea how much this relates to me. If I ask him if he's dated another girl or if he's been on a dating website that's when I get pushed away .... it's becoming a pattern. As soon as I do that he end it's with me, is it the same with you?

 

[Buttercup]

I get pushed away if I question his feelings. Usually after there is a period of tangible pulling away and I start to feel insecure about his feelings or our relationship. He does not like that at all! :dead: And it is definitely a pattern with us as well. sigh...

@feetfirst how are things with you now?