I'm sorry
@The Albatross , I don't understand what you mean? :confused:
I've been thinking about this, and I agree with
@Friday it's important to not censor what comes up, at first, and later face it.
I think too like the others have referenced above, there is context. And as, for example
@brokenEMT said, feeling that was the best choice to do- how could you not choose it? In my case I think it was shock, lack of experience dealing with it (contributing- I did not expect that action), and if I'm honest I never called for help nearly ever even for myself, either- always have kept 'mum' (due to whatever life lessons).
Or/ & as ladee said, separate the grief and loss from all the rest. Ideally I would expect to try to remember the good- that focus. I remember, too, advice to write 'them' a letter, and float it or burn it. It was very kind of you not to say anything to the co-worker.
More often than not I'm sure if situations were reversed the other would want any of us to destroy our lives over it, or even feel this way. I wouldn't.
I do suspect it's contributed a lot to my own self-concept, or rather decisions, and reactions. Probably more far-reaching than I know. For example, I probably allow more negative done to me, especially as the death, had it been just an hour or 2 later, would have prevented a lot of grief for a current family member, still struggling. Also, I have felt like a ticking time bomb, but in all honesty not because I rage, and not because I haven't spent decades trying to control the symptoms, but more so because what kind of person could I be if I let someone I loved down in the crunch when it mattered? (That self belief/ self-'assessment'). Or/+, in my heart of hearts I can't imagine to have to face that family member again, even in heaven, if there is one, in the next round. And, too, people like myself deserve hell more than heaven anyway, suffering too for tht matter, I think while running myself down. Etc. (it's unfortunately nearly limitless.) A lot of self-loathing, self-compassion is nearly impossible for me. Though I think it's just 'human' to do good, I also don't really see or feel 'reward' in what I do 'good'- it's a debt of millions paid in pennies.
The first step was realizing (learning) I wasn't complicit; the second was learning if I had responded differently it would likely have been ignored (I agree). I guess this next challenge is challenging, "yes but why didn't I respond/ react?"
(I suppose the first was ever telling anyone at all, I think that took nearly almost 30 years).
Thank you so much to everyone for your honest and candid input. :notworthy: :hug:
Hope this makes sense.
