How do I discover my triggers?

[Alymon]

I've been dissociating for a long time. Every once in a while, I'll come out of it, and it freaks me out so bad my body goes right back in to it. Besides that, I can't quite figure out or pinpoint what's been keeping me dissociated for so long. I have a feeling I haven't ACTUALLY dealt with any of my problems, I've just withdrawn more and more into myself and it seemed to "fix" my problems. Now my dissociation is a problem of its own. Does anybody have any good ways to figure out my triggers? I can sit down and try and think about it but my thoughts are so disorganized. My therapist says he doesn't know a whole lot about dissociation..

 

[Jade-]

Maybe your therapist should learn about it so he can help you with it?Is he able to tell when you dissociate? Usually just by observing you and when it happens should be a great help.

 

[Wendell_R]

I keep a composition book that I fill with dreams, writing, collages and drawings. I find that the pictures I find on the web and paste into my book help me understand my triggers. I also use the pictures to make safe spaces and to represent things I like or want to learn to like. The non-verbal nature of the pictures help, and pasting them into the book gives me something tangible to work with.

 

[grit]

Now my dissociation is a problem of its own. Does anybody have any good ways to figure out my triggers? I can sit down and try and think about it but my thoughts are so disorganized. My therapist says he doesn't know a whole lot about dissociation..

Before I went to therapy, I did not even know I was sort of spaced out of person. I thought I was a napper. A power napper that is. I could close my eyes and boom I was gone. But in therapy, I completely and utterly dissociated so much, it was not shocking but life threatening. It felt to me like I was dying and was trying not to die. Then I read about and learn more about it and what I learned was why would I not dissociate if I was being abused and violated on a daily basis as a child? What else could a child or any organism could do but to close eyes and die inside so I did not have to feel it.

As a result, I changed my view of dissociation and decided, I am going to be curious about what shows up when I dissociate in the presence of therapist. I asked the therapist, to really tell me what I said – repeat back to me and I needed to know what I could not remember that created this dissociation. I remembered I was abused violently, but the body details and verbal spillage that only falls out during dissociation was a new experience that I could only feel in a safe space as an adult. Disclaimer, I have only allowed to experience and be curious because my daily present life is not stressful, so I could focus on my dissociating and regressing in therapy and had strong support outside.

By re-experiencing of dissociation, I re-worked through lot of feelings that I could not contain as a child but my body did. I worked through abandonment, empathy failure, social anxiety, lack of coping mechanism for unbelievable frustration levels, deep shame, pure rage (including suicidal ideation and homicidal feelings) and a lot of hate toward my mother…I can name them the terms because I am in therapy school but also I experienced those feelings toward the therapist directly in person or when I am not with them. I also changed therapists, 3 times…because not every therapist is good for all those things. To give you an example, the therapist that helped me with abandonment issues could not help me with rage – it broke the alliance. The one that helped me with shame inadvertently could not help me with coping mechanism when my frustration was so high. Again, I had to leave to lessen the frustration. The one that helped me with high frustration, rage , empathy failure is my current therapist and it could be accumulation of all my therapist and allowing dissociation, so I could see what scared me as a child since it is very obvious I have no reason to dissociate today. I can go on but I hope you get the feeling. I think a lot of people spend a lot of time to prevent and try to stop the dissociation without questioning why it is here in the first place. It is because you are only becoming conscious of it. It was happening all along. I realized now that I used to hate my jobs because at some point under a lot of stress, I would dissociate and not remember everything which also inadvertently impacted my learning …again I could go on.

If you can afford, I would say, maybe have a support group, this really helped me and it may help you. And try to see your therapist weekly if you can afford. I also did a lot of safety space at home where I minimize what I do for example I stopped rock climbing or biking or watching psychological thrillers and drinking.

It is good you are becoming aware of dissociation but rather than fighting, ask yourself what made you learn this to keep it until now? And I truly hope you have at least one person you trust who can help you and you find the right therapist and IMHO (unless you are diagnosed with dissociated personality, you do not need an expert in dissociation but one willing to work with you) and you take advantage of finding out what is behind it rather than fight it. It does go away of its own after you build other coping mechanism to deal with your trauma or life’s stress and frustrations.