In response to... How do I even ask....
It can be a difficult time for someone such as yourself to undergo the first stages of a recovery journey and although there are so many positive aspects about this new journey - there can also be a downside.
That particular downside can be having to face the true reality of what happened to you in the past (as discussed in your other post) and that means opening up past memories of your traumas that you have buried very deep inside.
Another downside can be discussing these issues with anyone else who is not qualified to deal with such issues as what you have sadly experienced in your own past.
Many people are just not mentally prepared when it comes to listening to someone discuss what you've been through because the weight of the conversation may be too much to bear.
This can certainly include close friends and family who have perhaps even been totally unaware of your past, tragic experiences that you have discussed in your other post.
From what you have written in your post, you genuinely seem confused and upset as to why your friend has behaved towards you in this manner.
It needs to be borne in mind that he could have a myriad of personal reasons for doing so and there may be need to give some serious consideration as to how well you really know your friend.
It's also trying to look at things from his perspective as well and trying to understand how he may be feeling inside - which (of course) is certainly going to be difficult.
The question you ask is an important one and it's not always searching for answers that can solve a problem but actually examining the question.
Sometimes, by seriously considering the question, we may need to ask ourselves if the friend is really going to be of help and perhaps to seriously consider not having your friend deal with the role of being a 'safe listener'.
Even if the friendship is close, solid and special, that does not necessarily mean the person is in a position to be that special listener you really need.
That special listener will be the counsellor/therapist.
That may be because your friend unfortunately has his own very deep personal issues.
There's also the issue at hand with regards to your friend actually not being trained to deal with such conversations and there are specific reasons as to why your friend (and other's) will have difficulty engaging in such topics of conversation.
This is why you genuinely need to focus on your recovery through therapy...
Before discussing the importance of therapy in relation to your recovery journey, it's important to understand perhaps as to why you will find it very hard to discuss with other people your inner thoughts and feelings with regard to your past.
Fair enough... We can contemplate the numerous, possible reasons as to why your friend became angry, yet although there's an answer somewhere deep inside, it's possible you'll never get to know.
Perhaps there are times in our lives, when never knowing is best, because this isn't about him and his own problems which you can't solve... It's now about you and your recovery.
By all means, if you can, do continue with your friendship with this person and whoever else you choose. However. The time has come for you to focus on the counselling/therapy in order for you to embark on what could be a long journey towards recovery from your past experiences.
Going back to your friend's reasons for not wanting to help you could in fact lie with one particular reason and that being him not being able to separate himself from your problems in the way a counsellor/therapist can.
Yes... There are so many who often use the term 'good listener' to describe themselves and also like to 'know how people tick', yet there is so much more to it than that.
By attending regular counselling/therapy, you'll be discussing your personal issues with someone qualified and experienced to understand what you are going through but be able to keep a safe, psychological distance as well.
There will be personal boundaries.
Many people (such as your friend) will find themselves wading in too deep when listening to problems because they will also be influenced by external events through all forms of media. Then add the combination of distortion, lack of real understanding and letting their own experiences become entangled within trying to listen to your problems as well.
It all becomes too much information and emotion for people like your friend to process.
Although our society has been told over and over, that we all now understand so much more about any form of sexual abuse, it must still be borne in mind that this controlled, selective teaching is mainly through various media sources and doesn't represent the full truth.
Your own personal life story will give a full reflection of this because it tells us all about how an organisation created for the benefit, protection and growth of our communities has hidden a dark and evil secret in 'plain sight'.
Putting aside that there are so many community organisations out there (such as churches, sports clubs, charities and all manner of community projects) who are supported tirelessly by genuinely dedicated and good people...
There will always be those people who take advantage of these good organisations to commit their own wicked, evil acts such as exploiting the vulnerable for their own sexual gratification.
The media then in turn takes advantage of this and turns the people against these good organisations, inciting hatred towards the good charity workers and as the hatred takes hold, somehow the perpetrators of the original evils just slither away and commit their dark, evil deeds elsewhere.
Of course, there are those (which could include the church where you had your tragic experiences) who can commit these acts of evil for many years without anyone even suspecting because many survivors have stayed silent through fear, imposed shame and through not being believed.
Although it seems wrong to compliment these evil people, it must be said they are extremely clever at being manipulative and are always ahead of the law and being scrutinised by the public.
They actually have a skill of 'grooming' the communities around them.
Somehow, they seem to get out of being punished and when one is finally punished, the press take hold of that one individual and stir up more anger whilst others escape undercover of their own darkness.
The people turn their hostility towards an organisation in order to divert the real reason for their anger, whilst the media utilises their emotions to gain full effect stirring more hatred.
That real and true reason for all the hatred which becomes apparent when people express their emotions...
They can't accept the true reality that this kind of evil behaviour is becoming more and more apparent in our everyday lives and permeating through the very heart and fabric of family life - and there appears to be nothing that can be done to cure this ever growing crisis.
Going back to your dilemma with regard to your friend... Perhaps it may be best to find compromise by continuing the friendship with him... However, it may be best to leave alone any discussions with regard to your past experiences committed by this evil church pastor.
The reason for this being, just as mentioned above, the subject of any form of sexual misconduct is a topic that is only being touched upon at the surface level and the whole subject of sexual misconduct/abuse and its consequences are something our society is yet to fully discover.
Whether you sit with one friend, or a large group of people in a social setting (and very possibly even family members), or even with a crowd of acquaintances on a bus, café or shop... Whatever.
It must be borne in mind there could be many in that group touched in some way or another by the subject of sexual abuse and are hiding a lot more than you (or any of us) will ever realise.
There are those who are fast and efficient when it comes to calling out anyone they merely suspect (via rumours or suggestion) of being some kind of pervert when in reality, they are diverting their own true feelings about themselves.
It all gets complicated.
For you...
Focus purely now on the counselling/therapy and try to get as much as you can so you can work through these issues. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do with regard to how your friend responds, should you wish to talk with him.
This is perhaps why you may need put aside discussing your experiences with him. Your counsellor/therapist is trained to understand the aspects of what you are going through right now.
Sadly. Your friend is not able to deal with what you are going through and it needs to be stressed that this is not a reflection on you.
His anger is not about you or because of you - but directed at you because of his own personal issues. This is because the topic of conversation with him (just like so many other people) is very much emotionally above and beyond what he can deal with.
You will never really know the full truth with regard to your friend and for all you even know (as can happen), your friend perhaps has some deep issues himself in which even he can't fathom out as to why he became so explosively angry.
Sorry... On a sombre note...
It's very hard for everyone to accept but it needs to be stated clearly that these issues are a problem that are ever growing and will effect every corner of our society in future and the people need to accept this in full unification.
However...
What you certainly can do if you so wish, is to carry on with the friendship... That's a choice for you to make.
However. Focus on your recovery first, continue all in-depth conversations with your therapist (who will be able to help so much more than anyone else) and keep striving to move forward towards recovery.
Paul....
