How Do I Get Passed This , Am I Crazy??

[overwhelmedbyptsd]

I have been struggling with living in my town where the trauma happened and I continue to live here because I move and then end up back here again. Is there some thing I have to solve here and then maybe I can live? I go to the store at 5 6 or 7am I run into people and as passing them they say I should be ashamed of myself. I say to myself come have tea with me at my house so we can swap stories cause a lot of my past was not me. I do not say anything back to them. I do not know how to defend myself. still, damn. some one has stolen my identity and used my info to buy a car. I had my husband be confronted by men who say to my husband I am a bad girl and they see me at bars but we are home, together. I never leave my husband. So this town is mean to me. How can I start work or college here or any where. My two girls from a ten year marriage do not talk to me and they go to college and say mean things to any one about me. I can't start school or a job because they say I am a witch and the people in church are no different , they say they don't want my prayers and leave . No one here gives me a chance. A gal here , she started rumors about me while I was married to my first husband the same one that I had the two girls with, so this girl I will call her whale, so whale says to everyone all this crap about me and then after a 10 year marriage and two kids , I end up in the ICU in the hospital because I wanted to die. so I got a divorce. I still here that whale is still gossiping about me and this small town everybody is eager to here the gossip and so I have a rep. . I know what I did and did not do. I know some one had used my I.D. . I know that I can't go to college or work. I did in 06 and that was the last time I worked. Now after the many years past, whale got to move in my house and I just learned she was having sex with my then husband and she was hiding it. it sounds to me she was gossiping about me to take the light off of her. do you agree? Now I can't work here. She ruined me. I let her. I am not strong to stand up at the community and say the hell with this. I can get a job and go to college and stop living a improvised life, my kids hate being poor. how do I get over this and how do I start work or college. moving is not an option by the way, I really need input. I am 45, is it to late for college and how do I start? do I move? I don't have $ to move. thanks

 

[Kolten]

I too moved back to my hometown where alot of trauma happened in my younger 20s and I struggle too with some of the isolating factors so ur not alone there. Its a smaller town where gossip is predominant everywhere. Seems everyone knows whatd going on in Ur life before u even do :) what I have tried doing is gradually exposing myself more frequently to places like the store and other events that have higher population. As odd as it may seem it has helped my comfortability level by doing so. But I did it at my own pace not someone else's...just a thought. I don't think starting school ever has an expiration. I think u should do it! Try something new. It may bring many new perspectives. Stay where u are don't move again if u overall want to be there and have made a life there. Try the gradual exposure it may help!

 

[Ronin]

Can you find some spots that were safe then, are safe now, and / or reclaim the city?

It's somewhere you live, and while bad things happened there, it's still yours place, not of your abusers and who traumatized you.

You have a right to be freely in it & move around as you feel like.

& Nope, not too late for school. :)

 

[overwhelmedbyptsd]

Thank you Ronin, Thank you Kolten, wise words. I will take my baby steps today, yesterday I took my child to the park. It was really hard for me and I survived. It has been years since I went to the park. baby steps. baby steps. Here in this small town at the bigger park it has a sign that says enter at your own risk. She wants to go there but I will not take her.

 

[overwhelmedbyptsd]

I re read this post I put up. I meant I live an impoverished life.

 

[Reaching4thestarrs]

I have been struggling with living in my town where the trauma happened and I continue to liv...

The greatest self defense I ever learned was realizing I was in control of how I allowed others to affect me.
I was verbally and psychologically abused beyond imagination or belief. It was all I could do to make it through a single day. At that time I had no idea what the abuse was doing to me I just knew it wasn't right and didn't feel nice. The best advice my daddy gave me was to get in the Bible and let Scripture remind me who God says I am - not all of the horrible names and lies my husband was spewing on me everyday. This was a changing point in my life. The words and promises I found in those pages brought healing and comfort a lifted my lifeless spirit up off the floor and set me above my abuser above my enemies and those who were set out to harm me or my credibility.

Remember, others will tear you down to make themselves feel better. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with but sometimes just reminding yourself that what they are doing is really an image of their shortcoming, their dishonesty and flaws that they are afraid of and running from and trying to hide from. For myself, something about realizing this helped me take my power back.

Remember- those who mind, don't matter, and those who matter will NEVER mind!!

You are not the product of your past. You are who you are each day from this moment moving forward. Sometimes when we rise above and begin walking around with our head high with confidence in who we know we are and not what others say- is all it takes to quiet the gossip. Let people see the real you!! I believe in you.

 

[overwhelmedbyptsd]

The greatest self defense I ever learned was realizing I was in control of how I allowed oth...

WOW!! thank you for your support and words of wisdom. I will try to.

 

[Gs172003]

Thank you Ronin, Thank you Kolten, wise words. I will take my baby steps today, yesterday I t...

Enter at your own risk??? At a park????