T
Toasted239
I’m 15/yo had an incident recently that made me feel as if something really bad might have happened to me when I was younger. A couple of months ago my mom “groped” me. I understand that she did it in a joking way that was not intended to be harmful, however, it triggered such a visceral reaction of shame, guilt and embarrassment but as far as I can remember I have never been sexually abused. Recently, I learned of repressed memories of csa and it really got me thinking about some reactions I have to certain situations. Some of these things include, a fear that my dad may sexually abuse me without any reason, a fear of sudden touch that I did not initiate, and an overwhelming fear of being taken advantage of or being kidnapped. I also remember having a dream of my father taking advantage of me and telling me to “not tell mom or my brother” . I don't understand why I feel this way, as far back as I can remember my dad and I have had a great relationship and have never had any issues. I’ve also had a lot of issues with remembering my early childhood memories so much so that It is often hard to differentiate whether or not it was a dream or reality. Another thing I’ve started to notice is that my childhood was not very normal, oftentimes I found myself thinking about overly sexual topics and masturbating often. I feel so much shame towards that and wish it had never happened but even now I struggle with overly sexual thoughts.I feel like I have been violated but can’t remember why or what happened but I still feel scared and worried about what might have happened. know that this post may not be worded well and that it may seem very disorganized but I would really appreciate any input you have as I don’t know who to go to with this and honestly feel like this is all in my head.
