Relationship How Do I Know If We're Making Progress?

[desperate]

I feel like my relationship with my husband is collapsing under me. Things seemed so much better for a couple of weeks - I really thought his therapy was helping. But all of a sudden he's cold, heartless, and downright mean. Last night he told me that he "didn't have it in him" to talk to me, even for a few minutes. I was sitting in the living room crying my eyes out because I have felt so alone and abandoned for the past few days. Instead of just a little sympathy, or even a suggestion that we can talk about it when he is feeling better, he actually got angry at me! He said I cry too much, and he thinks I'm manipulating him! Most of the time if I'm upset about his behavior I try to just take some time away from him and work through it on my own. But last night I just needed a shoulder to cry on and he wasn't willing to do that for me.

My point is that he has times when he's the best guy in the world - but just when I start getting comfortable again, he starts pushing me away and getting mean. How do I know if we're even making any progress? I want it to work, for me, for him, and for the kids. But I'm starting to lose hope that he will ever be able to provide half as much for this relationship as he should. And if nothing else, the last thing I want is for the kids (who are 5 and 2, and already starting to avoid him - which also makes him angry) to grow up thinking this is how a normal relationship is.

 

[amethist]

Hi desperate.

It's tough going is this, I'm lucky that my kids are grown and have their own lives and families away from my husbands PTSD.

The best advise you can have right now is to look after yourself and young children first, they need to feel safe and loved in a stable home. Set boundaries for yourself and children that he is not allowed to cross, in that I mean he does not be mean to the children or you in front of them. If he can not stick to that just calmly distract and remove them from the situation before it scares them too much.

You do not have to tolerate bad behavior from him just because he is suffering. Take yourself out of the situation if possible, it is hard to leave them to suffer alone, but sometimes as I found they can realise that you being their is better if they act as they should.

As for manipulating them forget it, they do that on their own with the way they process thoughts to the point of complete reversal of how they got into a situation in the first place, well my husband was good at it any way but he does not do that now, he is not allowed to.

Try and find a friend who will let you cry with her now and again, or take a walk somewhere that is far enough away from all this and scream at the sky, my neighbour thought I had lost it once until they realised what was happening.

I hope you can work it out, If not take care of you and your children first.

Best wishes

Amethist

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Desperate

PTSD is a rollercoaster ride but over time, if your husband is getting better, the dips will be less and the depth of those dips will lessen also. The aim is for a relatively smooth ride after effort from both of you.

At times I have been where you have....wanting and needing emotional support with hubby unable to provide it. His anger is a result of the situation actually adding to his stress. He is unable to provide you with emotional support for whatever the reason and the anger is usually due to your needs overflowing his cup of what he can cope with.
[DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread63.html"]
[/DLMURL]Try reading [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread63.html"]The PTSD Cup Explanation[/DLMURL].

Unfortunately you will need to change your thinking if you are to understand this. First of all PTSD is not fair, it sometimes does not make sense and it can be a very selfish disorder so a wife/carer/ partner will tend to have to sometimes sacrifice more emotionally in order to maintain a sense of normality at home. It is important that you find yourself friends who you can offload too when you are stressed or crumbling emotionally. This is probably the thing I hate the most about the illness as it can make you feel abandoned.

I will tell you however that there is hope as Anthony is a lot better in supporting me now than when I first met him. To get to that point I had to make more sacrifices at the start, set and maintain boundaries and he wanted to get better.

It is important not to nag and go on and on about things to a Sufferer when they are not well. Sometimes you have to pick your battles but never allow or accept abuse. What I have found works best for me is saying "I don't like who you are being right now" or "you are being mean" and then walking away and giving them time to digest it. Their normal state of being is you having the worst and most stressful day you could possibly imagine. You know yourself, at this state, you are more likely to snap. That is the best analogy I can come up with to explain it to you.

Putting it all simply......

• Find a friend or group you can have your emotional meltdowns with
• Find a friend who can give you a hug when hubby can't
• As soon as hubby starts being mean...tell him and leave the room
• If hubby is being mean to the kids....remove them and tell them Daddy is not feeling well now, we'll leave him alone while he tries to feel better or something...you could even try saying...Daddy is being mean to us so we are going to let him be so he can feel better and be nice again. I don't know....you have to find out what he relates to.
• Understand hubby is ill and use that to console yourself....it is not personal.
• If hubby isolates....let him be and dont push or try to encourage him to get moving. Generally at a time of isolation they are overloaded and need to avoid adding any more to the mix.
• Understand good stress has the same effect as bad stress.
• Try and get hubby to get help. If you give him any ultimatums this is the one to give.

It is a tough ride but worth it if both you and hubby can work together on it.

 

[cyanide]

Great post, Nicolette. Lots of valuable insights there that help with my understanding.

The PTSD Cup Explanation is a very good example. My question is, can the "PTSD" in the 3rd cup change in size over time, or is it more or less the primary constant?

 

[Nicolette]

As I understand it cyanide, the third cup stays relatively constant however management can aide in the cup not overflowing so rapidly.

 

[desperate]

Thanks, everyone. The cup analogy makes a lot of sense, although I still have times when I have a hard time mustering up any sympathy for him. I did manage to stay calm the other day when he was being mean, and just told him, "You're acting like a jerk right now, and I'm not going to put myself through this anymore. Talk to me when you're in a better mood." Then walked out of the room. I admit I still cried a little about it, but not where he could see me. It was like a slap in the face to him - he took about five minutes to regroup, then came in and told me he was sorry. It was a small step, but felt like I'd scaled mount everest. Hopefully it will be as effective next time.
Thanks again! It's good to know there are people out there who have been through this and survived with their mind still intact.

 

[leanonme]

Desperate,

I have been in your situation so many times when all I wanted was to talk to the man that I married and needed him to support me and the could only think of himself. I am so proud of you for telling him that he was being a jerk, then walking away. I think a lot of times people let others who suffer with PTSD get away with their negative actions because they think that they can't help it. While some of this may be true, it is no excuse for some one to be mean to you, and it is okay for you to walk away to let both sides cool off.

I know it is trying and defeating sometimes, but you can do it. I hope the best for you and your husband.