How Do I 'like' To Receive Love?

[Tinyflame]

I know this doesn't touch on the solution to the question (sorry @Mystery :( ) but I was thinking, if I waited for 'self-love' to give love I'd never live or get anything done! Also, if it makes me feel good or happy then it seems counter-productive not to do it. (So that could be looked at as a form of self-love because it's kinder to myself).

I still think they have got something' wrong' or rather incomplete when they say you have to 'love yourself' first, because I've always been an example otherwise. Maybe that applies if it is associated with co-dependence or trying to elicit some response, but if there are no ulterior motives I don't think it's as likely. It is an end in itself.

I think sometimes it's deceptively simple- 'love' can get associated with abuse, betrayal, etc. Pain.

I can think of despising my own birthday (but it really only started with, or after the ptsd) etc, & it equate(s) to my own self-hatred, feeling not deserving etc. I learned better to 'accept' it when I saw it could make others feel badly. Like, for example, I thought as per my mom, what mother as a mother would feel 'good' about having a kid who hated themself/ their own existence? So I had to get less selfish.

I think as an adult (in terms of adult relationships) trying to learn to think in other ways can't be done easily within or after abusive relationships. At best everything gets all scrambled. In non-abusive relationships, there still remains all that risk. And simply not knowing 'how' to do it or risking it, & then practising. What seems to matter a lot is the environment or relationship, if it's not trustworthy or safe it seems counter-intuitive (as in 'worse than death'!!). JMHO though.

Mind you, writing this- & I don't know why I am, to be honest- I know I am 'damaged' or less-than-healthy when it comes to this as per myself, & I personally couldn't withstand anything but the most kind-hearted partner. I know I should toughen-up but even when it comes to family etc I seem to have lost my 'protective coating' that lets the negative stuff bounce off.

Best wishes @Mystery, you are trying something new & doing good! :tup: :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Learning how to truly love myself was a very long process and it had so many steps. Having EMDR changed my life and the things my mentors said to me to keep me positive also helped tremendously.

Stopping the self critical spirit from tearing me down, getting rid of the self hate and shame and blame and false guilt which I carried for so many years of my life.

I was married for thirty six years to a very good man and we loved each other most passionately. He died a little over a year ago to severe dementia.

Learning how to self love is a major step in beginning to receive love.

Not knowing what it is is perfectly normal for surviving horrendous abuse. I did not know what I wanted and needed too.

It is a long process of self discovery, I have found to become free of the lies and bondages which I was held hostage to for so many years of my life.

I wish you the very best.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes there must be something wrong when receiving love feels bad or undeserved or even intolerable. :(

 

[Hope4Now]

I still think they have got something' wrong' or rather incomplete when they say you have to 'love yourself' first, because I've always been an example otherwise.

I was thinking about this the other day. When I was in high school (a LONG time ago), I remember sitting in a restaurant with one of my teachers who was very kind to me. We had an argument about this--she was saying that you cannot truly love others unless you love yourself first. I completely disagreed and cited myself as an example. I have held this opinion for most of my life. Now, just a little tiny bit, I've had some brief moments of "loving" myself (well, at least saying that maybe I'm not a total wash as a person and feeling a bit of compassion for myself) and have felt a completely different feeling about other people, feelings of compassion and empathy that sprung from a different place in me...not a place of obligation or self-sacrifice, or trying to fix things for them, or fear, or feelings of inadequacy, or any of those things that giving love often activates in me. It was a feeling that filled me up rather than depleted me. It hasn't changed anything about my behavior outwardly, but it is hugely different on the inside. I want more of this!

 

[shell]

It's only now that I am more accepting of myself that I even recognized that I had never been open to receiving love, or giving it in an unconditional way that didn't include fear or expectation that to do so would also include the fear of being abandoned. I feel differently in my relationships since I have been more self accepting, I receive little glimpses of all the possiblities, it encourages me to seek more growth in changing the way I relate to others.

I have to do a lot more work on my fear of abandonment because I am unable to give or receive love without fear, my barriers of self protection are very strong.

 

[Tinyflame]

not a place of obligation or self-sacrifice, or trying to fix things for them, or fear, or feelings of inadequacy, or any of those things .. it is hugely different on the inside. I want more of this!

It's only now that I am more accepting of myself that I even recognized that I had never been open to receiving love.. in an unconditional way that didn't include fear or expectation that to do so would also include .. fear

Dear @Hope4Now , that's what I meant by no expectation, or an end in itself. I guess because I forget myself doing it it is usually a good thing. But, oh sure, I recognize if I know nothing different perhaps I can't understand?

Hope you do get more Hope. :) :inlove: :hug:

I too @shell have avoided or avoid the receiving for this reason. Experience is some teacher!