How do i not respond when all my buttons are pushed?

[Izata]

Ummm. Yes, we do. If I showed my anger or frustration it just adds fuel to the fire.

No, you don't.

Sorry but it sounds like your sufferer needs more treatment and isn't ready for a relationship if he can't handle ANY normal non-happy emotions.

What I say stands, abort, abort!

 

[Nutu]

Depends on your definition of boiling over. My sufferer throws tantrum which involve swearing at, breaking objects and throwing things. If I roll my eyes or clear my throat or speak to him with a "tone" in my voice he tells me I am "carrying on" and "abusing" him.

Basically, my sufferer can't handle ANY normal non-happy emotions from me. But how will he every be 'ready' for a relationship if he's not in one to try and learn coping skills?

In the meantime my self control is tested and tested and from time to time breaks and a small sigh escapes me. And all hell breaks loose.

 

[Imab]

Not being able to express emotions (other than happiness) at all, doesn't sound like a relationship. Emotions are a pretty intrinsic part of intimacy.

That said, there's a tonne of different ways of expressing and managing emotions. Maybe explore some different approaches to the way you're communicating where you're at emotionally. If you can't experience a range of emotions with your partner, how much are you actually sharing other than a whole lot of time together?

 

[Lobe]

Ummm. Yes, we do. If I showed my anger or frustration it just adds fuel to the fire.

Imab I agree. Its like the supporter is always wrong. Really frustrating and unfair. Others may say don't react or get ovet it but that is like saying "lie back and enjoy it." Thst just ain't gonna happen.

 

[Isupo]

My SO has combat PTSD. He has no flight response only fight @Imab. His stress cup is always full. Even good stress is stress. So no I can't come home and tell him about my bad day. Or that I'm having medical problems. (treatable)
This is why I think combat PTSD is different. Not worse. Just different.

 

[Imab]

Ok, I'm gonna agree to disagree that combat ptsd is different on the basis that it causes the stress cup to be full all the time. Because that's ridiculous. Out of control levels of stress are a pretty core part of any ptsd.

Thing is, you're now saying that you can't (1) communicate any emotions other than happiness; and (2) you can't communicate what you've done with your day unless it's good news.

So, I'm still kind of wondering- apart from a lot of time together, what exactly is this partnership about? What do you share with each other, if it doesn't include how you're feeling or what's happening in your life?

 

[Isupo]

We have awesome days, weeks even months at a time. When he's in PTSD mode. Not so much.

 

[Imab]

That's tough. Hopefully his getting effective treatment and the good times start to become the norm for you both. Can't imagine that it's much fun for him either when his symptoms are active.

 

[Isupo]

Yes it is tough. And that's the point of the op's post.

 

[Imab]

Isupo - the point of the OP's post seemed to be that they were reacting to the unreasonable behaviours of their SO in a certain way and that they 'wanted to be better than that'.

So, rather than being merely "I want everyone to understand how hard it is", it seemed more like "I'd like to do something about the way I react". The first option is just a little tantrum. The second option appeals to constructive ways to improve the situation.

There's a huge difference. Simply indulging behaviour that is destructive to the relationship (like threatening to break it off over a bad phone call - frankly, that doesn't bode well for the survival of this relationship), I've been trying to explore potential angles for how things might change. For the better.

So, frankly, which one of us is being helpful here? To me? Just moaning about how unreasonable the sufferer is being? Isn't helpful.

 

[Okazu]

I think I'm seeing a lot of codependency in this thread.

I have no idea why anyone would want to be in a relationship where they can't get support for normal life stuff.

No, this is not unique to combat ptsd. This is a trait of untreated/unhealed ptsd. That is, they aren't healed enough to really be in a healthy relationship. (I won't ever agree that a healthy relationship consists of one partner never being able to support the other.)

 

[Urup]

That's generally the problem with untreated PTSD (insert not all sufferers, etc)- the supporter has to be able to be completely independent emotionally, and have their own support system that largely doesn't include the sufferer. My sufferer could not handle my health issues, either, even though I am under a doctor's care, and did not expect him to do anything about them - anything I told him was at his request because he wanted to know. And emotional? Fuhggetaboutit. He called me abusive for having stressful days at work, and not be able to completely leave the stress at the door (IE, being not quite as happy as normal while at home because work was stressing me? That was abusive according to him).

I didn't realize how unhealthy and codependent I was, constantly walking on eggshells and swallowing my own stuff to avoid adding to his stress, this was until we separated.