How do I save myself?

[SeekingAfrica]

How do I untangle myself? I'm alone where I live and I hate my current situation more and more each week. I don't live where I did before and with that, getting some piece and quiet per day to do what I need to do is my biggest achievement... that and teaching once a week despite of no warning and never having done it before.

People say the first step is the hardest, but here it feels like I'm in quicksand. Without any support system other than countries away, I was left with my memories and what I do only. And it feels like I'm slowly disappearing in each country, in both. That leads me to being so frozen I earn almost nothing and meanwhile my bills are getting closer and closer and I'm afraid of getting sued or losing my last shred of support for being late with bills. Thing are getting to a critical point. Like I don't have even 2 weeks to pay stuff, but if I start anything it doesn't get paid for a month. Meanwhile every day without income I feel more and more anxious to the point of waking every hour when I sleep, being awake for hours and being at this constant state of hypervigilance, anxiety and fear it gets me at the same state as losing my apartment did and it takes forever and it's still hard to snap out.

It's like it wakes the worst part of the summer I got PTSD when I didn't know how to keep breathing. When I was abused and traumatized but I was paying for my room by a week and I couldn't think of the trauma. And I was living in the same house as my abuser so it was never safe and I went in frequent huuuge denial, some weeks to a point where everything in the house was like a surreal nightmare and only outside I felt like I actually exist and when I'm outside I unpacked my life and inside I go back on pause until the next morning. And having to make myself believe I'll somehow make what I leading needed to earn in 4 months, somehow in month and a half instead. And being in complete denial that I felt unsafe in the house, hence doing anything useful before or after work even locked in my room was a waste. Resulting in a very peculiar mind state.

Now it's like that time of my life was a wound I've scraped somehow currently and every raw nerve is bleeding.

I Was in DEEP denial when I returned because it was my last year of college and I needed money and grades. I was in another city for college and when I graduated I was so deeply depressed even my mother noticed. Only when I moved I started waking up and I slowly faced things and build a life. And every time I was home it was hard but I had something to return to. Now without exact return date I feel like I'm falling apart. But I have things to pay in a week and I have so little of myself here I feel I'll fall apart any second. And I make these magical plans I can't execute but have to. And then there is no space for anything to go wrong which is obviously impossible and that keeps me in this constant "I can barely move" state making it worse. And the more that life feels like a dream I didn't deserve the harder it is to remember I can keep going...

All I have is myself and I feel pathetic. Also that makes being a teacher each week even once feel like more and more pressure like I Don't have time to be present. I feel like I'm in a nightmare, I've been trying to snap myself out of this, be above the situation and I'm sinking deeper.

 

[arfie]

from what i have followed here in this forum, you ARE helping yourself, seeki. admirably. your greatest lacking in that arena is faith in yourself and how far you have come. alas, there are no microwave solutions nor cures for the common me.

Now it's like that time of my life was a wound I've scraped somehow currently and every raw nerve is bleedin

great analogy. often it still applies to me, half a century into my recovery from child sex trafficking. the important change is that i have learned how to recognize and deal with the phenom without derailing my progress. when i find myself reduced to the frightened child in a bloody skirt hiding in my closet, i can recognize it and ply therapy tools to pull that child from the closet --again. it has gotten easier with practice.

believe in yourself, seeki. you are doing better than it feels. steadying support as your healing journey continues.

addendum
in the healing of physical wounds, it is often necessary to scrape the wound in order to reach the deeper infections.

 

[abovedown]

I Was in DEEP denial when I returned because it was my last year of college and I needed money and grades. I was in another city for college and when I graduated I was so deeply depressed even my mother noticed. Only when I moved I started waking up and I slowly faced things and build a life. And every time I was home it was hard but I had something to return to. Now without exact return date I feel like I'm falling apart. But I have things to pay in a week and I have so little of myself here I feel I'll fall apart any second. And I make these magical plans I can't execute but have to. And then there is no space for anything to go wrong which is obviously impossible and that keeps me in this constant "I can barely move" state making it worse. And the more that life feels like a dream I didn't deserve the harder it is to remember I can keep going...

Do you enjoy teaching or studying new things (as you mentioned doing both)? Is the a subject you could teach yourself while working income which you give you something positive to focus on? Is there something that would be a good skill when you are teaching others or which could help you find more work? Or would there be something to learn which you would enjoy for example as a hobby?

from what i have followed here in this forum, you ARE helping yourself, seeki. admirably. your greatest lacking in that arena is faith in yourself and how far you have come. alas, there are no microwave solutions nor cures for the common me.

This! What I have seen you have been very resilient in a very tough situation

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@arfie @abovedown I feel heartbroken from myself if that made sense. I'm only a burden to my family but I can't move yet. And I'm also feel like a math equation AND super old here. (too old for help, too messed up to manage otherwise. The math equation being, I was allowed to go to uni, and now I live at home so my parents gambled and lost. I was pretty resilient too, at the time I graduated somehow despite getting ptsd the last year. I had partial scholarship, job and business and 6 classes the last year. I took 2 leave of absence and worked to help my parents too. And here we are. I can't even help at home on many days because I have so high anxiety applying is taking the little energy I have left.

I mean obviously there are other factors but seeing my parents and knowing how much I disappoint them is heartbreaking even now when they are trying to not say anythingso hard. I feel like I watch movies and see people lost their whole life to something, homes and jobs and... or they end up in jail because of a mistake that snowballs... 14 years ago I went to another country to earn money and now here we are. And I feel like every time I don't think it can happen I make it worse.

I Don't really think I'm doing good if it's taking me hours to face one conversation that will make me hate myself more but I have to do? I literally spend hours shaking however ridiculous it sounds.

You never think your life will snowball. I still can't face most of what happened this year or forgive myself. I'm trying to do things. I'm actually learning Spanish and I'm starting to understand things or at least separate the words if I watch something. Also there is plenty to teach myself, especially to have and improve side hustles. Teaching, especially not in English but in my native language, still feels paradoxically foreign after living abroad for a decade. And being so anxious that on day with class I need to concentrate on the class from couple hours earlier and have my preparation routine even though the class itself mostly ends up depending on how prepared the kid is. For someone without children, I'm still trying to find a way to have tough teacher side when needed as well... it's rewarding but I can only expand by one kid per week(if I were good enough to seek one). So that is a process. Especially that I didn't find that gig, it was sort of sprung on me. People say first step is the hardest, but really first week was easiest.

I'm just such a mess right now, I'm sorry. It's so hard to just function. I'm really struggling today.

 

[abovedown]

feel heartbroken from myself if that made sense. I'm only a burden to my family but I can't move yet. And I'm also feel like a math equation AND super old here. (too old for help, too messed up to manage otherwise. The math equation being, I was allowed to go to uni, and now I live at home so my parents gambled and lost. I was pretty resilient too, at the time I graduated somehow despite getting ptsd the last year. I had partial scholarship, job and business and 6 classes the last year. I took 2 leave of absence and worked to help my parents too. And here we are. I can't even help at home on many days because I have so high anxiety applying is taking the little energy I have left.

I feel like life turned upside down overnight a few years ago (hence my nickname). Still the world now seems sometimes like a foreign place that doesn't make much sense. And I feel so small, like a kid trying to solve !math puzzle he/she can't make sense of.

For me it kinda feels like your parents have been living through their kids. And it's fine abd admirable for parents to have dreams that one's kids have better life with more opportunities than they had. But you have done 'all the right things': you studied, you graduated and lived abroad for many years. But then a bad time came and you temporarily needs your parents help. Aren't you their child in both good abd bad days? And like me and @arfie both said you have done a lot to improve your situation already. You are teaching kids and searching for further opportunities to make money and get ahead in your live. I think you should be proud of yourself for what you have accomplished thusfar.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@abovedown I can relate to the whole puzzle you can't solve thing.

I wasn't just meant to do better than my parents. I was meant to save them from poverty into the life they were trying to have. I was told all my life how they loaned money to relatives and were left with nothing. I Don't know my uncle because he and my father stopped talking to each other because of money. And then they had us and my mom can never stop talking about all she gave up because she had to help family and raise us. And how much she could do if she was young now and had our opportunities. So basically I was meant to do better to be able to help them once they are older which is now and for them to now have time to do all hobbies they had to give up. But yeah, I'll be honest, I've never been comfortable sharing bad times with my family. I tried in university when I was depressed and skipped one class and my mom gave me a breakdown of my tuition decided by weeks divided by my classes and how much money I'm "throwing away" if I miss a class.

Since I've had PTSD I had to learn to face way too much that I couldn't do and I tried being honest at bad times and it was always worse. To them mental issues are not a thing or if they are then everyone is anxious/depressed and have to deal with it. When I shared one thing that panicked me hoping for some boundaries I was called princess mockingly for it. When I shared about my almost attemp last year to my mother she told me you just can't do that and not to bother my father's day saying such things. This year she flat out told me that she doesn't think talking is the answer when I tried attempting to talk with her about those things because here I'm alone other then them. So yeah. I had to save them and instead they are saving me at my age where they aren't obliged. So it feels kind of awful.

On one hand I hate them not listening or thinking I have to be miracle child when life turned out otherwise. On another I appreciate them still allowing me back. And I want to at least be helpful in other ways until I recover. But each week is harder so I am kinda struggling. At first I wanted to be help to mynmother, apply but also do all the housework and cooking instead of her. And then the more anxious I get without local friends, without health insurance or enough meds and without any of thd support system I had built for myself, I'm just starting to think really negative again. I want to be the person making lemonade out of the situation and I hate myself but then...

Hating the situation and how I act or what I need to do is just making me close up even more. Thank you for this whole talk. I don't get a lot of chances to have perspective here and every encouraging word is something I treasure. And hopefully I find a way to have faith in myself again.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Took me all day but I had the conversation I needed to have. Brutal but I'm okay(well alive so that's something) and now hopefully I get sleep before the next challenge. It's bad but beside sleep I Don't have that much keeping me balanced other than regular sleep now so it's not something I can cut down.
I'm not sure what I'll do tomorrow but it's a start.

 

[arfie]

I feel heartbroken from myself if that made sense.

isn't "heartbroken" a 20th century synonym for "ptsd." the ptsd moniker is 21st century. back in the bad old days, "heartbroken" was my own favorite word for ^it^, though JPC (just plain crazy) was the more common moniker.

I'm only a burden to my family

! ! !mad mother alert! ! !
my 44 year old crackhead son is homeless and a danger to society, but he is still my son and far more than a burden. prayers ongoing.

And I'm also feel like a math equation

to this math nerd, treating my life and recovery like a math equation is actually helpful. i'm not looking for a brand new me. just working the variables.

super old here. (too old for help, too messed up to manage otherwise.

WWW alert. wild witch of the west coming at you! ! !
i'm 70 and still learning and healing. accepting help is more important than ever. i ain't buying the "too old" angle, pup. do i need to check you for diaper rash? nope, i ain't promising to guard your youthful virtues while i check.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Thank you for this @arfie . It was equally sweet, heartwarming and funny. It's weird feeling old cause I have seen in practice that age is not really a sign of what one can or can't be doing above the age of 20 (for legal purposes, though some are more mature due to... well, life) but being here has definitely made me feel so. Peoples lifes can be wildly different, especially in this day and age.

Not sure what it is but I'll make an effort to change it. It's part of ptsd for me sometimes, I think the first year I was dealing with it I was feeling too "old" and then that passed- and I was still a college kid then. For what it's worth I've seen you mention your age and I really can't imagine that in the best way ;). Also I've seen you mention your story and I'm awe at your journey. You definitely inspire me.

Today was emotionally exhausting and I'm really hoping that is my 'low' after which things go up. (Obviously there will be challenges. Many. I mean more how I'm doing emotionally so I can grow through this and not fall apart every couple of days). Thank you again!

 

[arfie]

I've seen you mention your age and I really can't imagine that in the best way

imagine it laced with pride enough to kick your juvenile butt. in my experience. it took all of 70 years to live my life and i ain't a-giving up a minute of it. even the horrible parts led me to where i am today and i don't want to be anywhere else. i've already seen 20. 70 is a new experience for me.

don't youthenize me.

for what it's worth
i often imagine that people often confuse feeling old with feeling beaten. how sad is it that i felt older at 7 than i do now at 70? the further i get from my childhood, the better i feel. go ahead and substitute youth worship for the "better." it's the world we live in.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@arfie point taken with all layers of meaning. Thank you for the perspective @arfie point taken with all layers of meaning. Thank you for that!

Thanks for the perspective! Trust me, never judged you by age, but I judged myself. Definitely something to let go of!

 

[arfie]

Trust me, never judged you by age, but I judged myself. Definitely something to let go of!

it is no skin off my nose how other people judge me, nor how they judge themselves. the real concern is how a lone brother-in-healing is limiting his own potential by judging himself. definitely something to let go of.

for what it's worth
when the judging habit rears its ugly head in my psyche, i remind myself to leave the judging to the judges. i have a life to live.