How do I save myself?

[SeekingAfrica]

@arfie Her own potential but point taken. Though I was not saying the judgement part to be polite. I genuinely don't judge many people as we are all different. Ballet and meeting people of different ages or countries joined by love of something no matter age or background or gender kind of shows you enough to appreciate everyone. I just tend to judge myself excessively, especially when I'm home... and the more stressed I am the worse it gets.

I do have a life to live!

I think I was in a dark place for too long and yesterday everything was so stressful I was shaking. I've been too depressed for weeks so I barely exercised. I did yoga today and gentle one and I was still shaking with anxiety. And my muscles were like wood. But it was good. Healthy.

And I talked to my ballet teacher in chat and wanted to cry. The last weeks have been so hard I didn't dare write because it made me sad. Everything I loved felt like it was disappearing for a while. But she was so lovely and positive and I realized I'd forgotten how it feels to be so loved and appreciated somewhere.

I want my life back. So yesterday I forgave myself for being behind and imperfect solutions. It was like breathing after being under water for a long time. So I'm cutting myself some slack and trying to work bug also take better care of myself today. So far it's huge difference. :)

 

[arfie]

I just tend to judge myself excessively, especially when I'm home... and the more stressed I am the worse it gets.

this is my own number one reason for needing to leave the judging to the judges. i judge myself far more harshly than i would ever judge another and it does nothing more than drive myself deeper into pits of despair. for what it's worth, personifying my psychoticks helps me build awareness and remind myself that a psychosis is in play. a six foot bullwhip across my shoulders is my prop for personifying the self-judging psychosis. it doubles as practice for technique in the art of whipping. control over speed is the key to whipping without gouging out my own eye.

I want my life back.

"life is what happens while we are busy making other plans." john lenon (beautiful boy)

even when it isn't going the way i planned, i don't get to leave my life. i used to regret that bitterly, but ? ? ? is that humble gratitude i am learning?

 

[abovedown]

And I talked to my ballet teacher in chat and wanted to cry. The last weeks have been so hard I didn't dare write because it made me sad. Everything I loved felt like it was disappearing for a while. But she was so lovely and positive and I realized I'd forgotten how it feels to be so loved and appreciated somewhere.

I want my life back. So yesterday I forgave myself for being behind and imperfect solutions. It was like breathing after being under water for a long time. So I'm cutting myself some slack and trying to work bug also take better care of myself today. So far it's huge difference. :)

Is there affordable ballet or yoga studios or gyms where you are situated? Would going there feel like a reclaim at least a bit of your old life?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@abovedown
Not really. Plus I have to travel an hour min changing 2 transports each direction to get to any gym or studio. For now my only option is playing Legos with furniture and doing a bit of ballet at home,

Maybe some walks. Also stupid thing about depression is last summer I was in 3 hour dance workshops and 90min classes each day of the weekend was my norm. Yesterday I barely did 20min yoga. So home workouts are fine though I have to admit it's easier when your group is waiting for you. More motivating than a gym.

Then again today I'm sick a bit so maybe yesterday isn't reliable indicator. But I'm out of sleep meds and sleeping in 1 hour bits few times through the night is not helpful for sure. It's a process...

 

[arfie]

So home workouts are fine though I have to admit it's easier when your group is waiting for you. More motivating than a gym.

what might happen if you started doing your workouts in a public place at a strictly observed time so that others could join you, if they want? way back in the 60's i knew some dancers whose similar circumstances grew into the avant garde of the yoga in the park movement which has stormed the u.s. more than half a century later, that movement is still moving.

just wondering. . .