Sexual Assault How do i start masturbating again?

[Rose White]

I realized four weeks ago, with the help of my t, that my dad sexually abused me when i was a toddler. I told my mom and she believed me and kicked him out (my family and my parents were co-habiting.). Ever since the realization my body has changed dramatically. It stopped eating for two weeks. It no longer wants alcohol or caffeine. The OCD has dramatically reduced or come under control. My sex drive disappeared. I realized that all my fantasies had been about child molesters and that disgusted me. My husband is afraid that I don't love him anymore because he believes/(believed?) that I show him love with my body, and that it is a universal truth in relationships between men and women. My bond with my husband feels numb, shallow, weak. I believe my bond with my *self* is numb, shallow, and weak. I feel like I can't even begin to reach out to my husband sexually until I am sexually pleasing myself. But the only way I orgasmed before was through dissociative fantasies and now I am fully present and there is no thrill, no spark, no desire for my self. It's like I *must* find a way to let go again, but letting go seems to be wrapped up in fantasies with psychological manipulation and domination. How do I reframe those? What will I let go to now that my goal is to be strong in asking for help, not weak, now that my goal is to reject grooming, not be seduced by it, now that my goal is to speak up for my self not be at the mercy of another's needs?

I forgot to say that my dad admitted to doing what I said he did, which turns out to be illegal. It's important to me that he admitted to doing it. He didn't admit it to me, only to my mom. I haven't seen him or spoken to him since I told my mom about what he did. He has been gone one week.

 

[Kintsugi]

I cannot tell you how relieved I am to read this post. I have been trying to write here about EXACTLY this (although my CSA was perpetrated by my brother) for about a month, and you said everything so, so much better. So well that you've helped me understand myself better.

I've been reading a lot on the Internet about female masturbation, invested in a novice vibrator... but I'm still struggling with the psychological aspect in a huge way. It is maddening, because it stands in the way of intimacy and is just plain frustrating/feels cosmically unfair.

Thank you for writing.

 

[Kintsugi]

Hey, so, this isn't about masturbation exactly, but if I had a partner I were comfortable asking something like this of, I think I would give this sexual exercise a go in my journey to change my perception of sexual contact and abuse: Masturbation Month: Yoni Massage

I have found some of the threads on MetaFilter really useful for ideas:
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This thread isn't posited as being about masturbation but winds up containing lots of good ideas about masturbation/self-exploration:
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I really hope someone here with some kind of experience in this sort of journey or more voices who are having this issue will chime in. I feel weird and like a spammer posting links about such intimate sexual content, but I feel certain that others who underwent abuse have had similar tribulations or are experiencing something similar now.

The strangeness of no longer being able to turn to feelings of degradation/abuse in order to achieve sexual satisfaction (and abuse fantasy is something oft explored here) is impossible to understate. I wonder if visualization exercises wherein one takes the burden of sexuality away from one's child self and owns it instead as a sovereign, empowered adult might help. I despise inner child exercises, in general, but I actually have found them to be helpful/healing even though the whole idea makes me cringe. This thread made me think of that aspect.

ETA: while I'm putting it all out there, I'll say I'm also personally exploring the usage of self-conditioning in order to help myself replace abuse fantasies. I've gone about this by selecting a specific (though lengthy) set of songs/music to listen to and by reifying levels of pleasure through counting/grading from 1-10. It sounds sort of silly, but (also most likely related to CSA) I used to have major issues using public rest rooms until I was in college and it just became absolutely impossible to avoid (I was home schooled and summer camp wasn't quite as compromising as college in terms of time and privacy restrictions), at which point I sort of accidentally conditioned myself to be able to urinate in spite of proximity to others by counting to five. It was something that happened rather organically by mentally counting as a sort of self-soothing/grounding mechanism, and 9 years later it still works, so I figured I might attempt to apply that to this issue. I'm not sure if I could have described that better.

I hope whoever is reading this appreciates my honesty. Writing these things has been a real exercise in vulnerability.

 

[Rose White]

Simple Simon, those links look very helpful.

I wonder if visualization exercises wherein one takes the burden of sexuality away from one's child self and owns it instead as a sovereign, empowered adult might help.

ETA: while I'm putting it all out there, I'll say I'm also personally exploring the usage of self-conditioning in order to help myself replace abuse fantasies. I've gone about this by selecting a specific (though lengthy) set of songs/music to listen to and by reifying levels of pleasure through counting/grading from 1-10.

I hope whoever is reading this appreciates my honesty.

I started doing something like what you described about removing the burden of sexuality from the child and placing it in the hands of the sovereign, empowered adult. I realized that I have urges to sexually fantasize about people that I trust and that hurts me when I flash back to those fantasies while talking to them, or worse try to act out the fantasies unconsciously through my words and behavior. My dad fulfilled his sexual fantasies through me when I was a baby and toddler, but that's not who i am. I was too young to have sex and reciprocate and understand so i was used. That's not who I am, so I should reject fantasies of people I want to trust or people I want to reach out to and ask for help.

I like your counting idea because it reminds me of breathwork. I'm now seeing how meditation and breathwork and focusing on being present and aware related to being present for intimacy. A trusted friend who also experienced csa told me that that's why foreplay and warming up are so important because in those early stages of wanting touch and reaching out you are so much more present. Maybe I could try a breathing and awareness while touching exercise.

I am so grateful for your honesty. Someone on this forum told me that vulnerability is the antidote to shame and I believe it is true.

 

[Kintsugi]

A trusted friend who also experienced csa told me that that's why foreplay and warming up are so important because in those early stages of wanting touch and reaching out you are so much more present. Maybe I could try a breathing and awareness while touching exercise.

I strongly encourage you to read all the way through that first link, given the above, although it does require a partner. I'd like to work up the guts to make such a request from my partner, but I'm not so sure I have it in me to ask for something like that. I have trouble asking for things like turning up the volume when we're watching a movie or something, so... :bag:

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I strongly encourage you to read all the way through that first link, given the above, although it...

I almost texted that link to my husband and couldn't hit send. :banghead: