How Do You Avoid Re-Victimization And Still Get Close To People?

[On the Outside Looking In]

Hello, all!

I was really wondering if any of you have any thoughts about re-victimization. I am firmly committed to not going down the same path yet again. I have been very firm in this commitment, too, for quite some time. But due to what I guess is black-and-white thinking, I have gone to the other extreme. I don't want to be with other people in any kind of an intimate way. Everyone I hold at arm's distance, so to speak.
I don't get close to anyone, and I don't let anyone get close to me.

I either:
dissociate when things get more intimate beyond friendly acquaintance; or

sabotage the friendship before it gets started; or

avoid any possible opportunities for friendship or intimacy; or

remain as reclusive and isolated as I can; or

panic and run if I do attempt friendship.

And don't even MENTION a romantic relationship!!!

How have any of you dealt with this issue? I am lonely, but I isolate myself.
The feeble attempts I have made at reaching out have backfired at my own hands. I am so ambivalent. I want people in my life; I don't want anyone near me. I haven't been close to anyone in over two years. I am close with some of my family, but I don't live in the same state as they do. I have a roommate, but its a "in-law" family member who has had a stroke who I help with caretaking, housework, laundry, meals, and the like. I get room and board and salary in exchange for being a live-in caregiver while I go to school. My relationship with my roommate is companionable and somewhat friendly, but all the same still reserved at best. I wouldn't say we were friends, per se, just family members helping each other out. And a former "in-law" family member at that, if you get my drift!

But back to my question... Has anyone overcome this? And how did you go about it? I would really appreciate the input!

Thanks, and Peace!

 

[hapa_gurl87]

Hi on the outside looking in,

I cant even express how much i feel for you because i very well can relate. My situation is so unbearable that getting intimate or being very social is nearly impossible without being hyper aroused or over stimulated. I was born a social butterfly to not be as social is like a death sentence you have no idea what its like to just feel the tiniest bit of pleasure without being warped back into that aweful swamp called ptsd.

I cant get close to people because i have that startle response i shut down and when i talk it can be painful to even express how i feel or to show any emotion which i cover up and pretend like im ok which is so fake that it kills my heart. Whne im vulnerable I not only fear my self but i fear how others will treat me will they get angry when i dont react normally.

I have been revictimized in the sense that going back to my original trauma and trying to heal from it only made it worse. I really thought my therapists idea to go back to my school and share my horrible story of being sexually harrassed and assaulted at my school was some how closure but i needed more than closure i needed justice first and then closure. You can see how trauma is terribly unpredictable. You never know what direction it will swerve, will it go left, right, up down?For me it just down spirals until all i can do to feel safe from my suffering is to completely isolate myself from all people. I love people why cant my body allow me to show my love and feel that love. I'm so scared and a mess when it comes to knowing that i thought i never would go back to being a victim and i have.

Most people think being revictimized is being in a situation where some one can harm you or you can harm youself. But i didnt think going back to high school would harm me because i believed i was strong enough to tell my truth who i am, what ive been through. Even heroes crash and good people get hurt along the way. I'm starting to notice that just trying to sit back and relax can be so agonizing that i cant just be in the moment and allow life to flow naturally cause there's no flow to me, there's just stuckness. Being traumatized is bad enough but to be retraumatized by something thats not supposed to hurt you is psycologically confusing as ****. This trap is very horrific and I dont know this time how to dig my self back up to ground level. So my only word of advice about your situation is stay very commited to not go back down that old ugly path and be careful with yourself, listen to your instinct that gut feeling cause only you know what will heal you and no one else can tell you other wise.

Your not alone I'm with you 100% on this topic and I'm sure many others are to. I'm really glad you posted this thread because i can really relate to it.

Hapagurl

 

[bluejayway]

This exact thing is why I found myself here a couple of weeks ago - only I've been married for 12 years. I had been subtly pushing my husband and even my own children away for so long that it finally reached the breaking point. Getting a good therapist has helped me gain insight into why I do the things I do. And while my husband is no saint, I am starting to see a side of him I never have before as he is also learning about PTSD and we are working on how to relate to each other. It can get better - but I do feel for me at least that it's like a rollercoaster -- there are ups and there are downs but remember that it is not ALL ups or ALL downs -- and eventually I'm hoping the downs are less drastic. This forum is a great place and I have learned so much and gotten so much support here. :)

 

[TLight]

Yup..........for decades I did it all alone..........it was too energy draining to be around people, let alone have a real relationship with someone. And when I did, well.........they were of bad character and I hurt.

At some point years ago I just became ok with being alone. Lying in bed and calming the anxiety became my activity.

I was, however, much more comfortable that way.

However, this is NOT LIVING. Living means interacting, participating, communicating......learning and growing. I'm convinced we cannot do that by ourselves.
However scary, however hard and no matter how many times we get hurt, we can reach out........

My BF's mom is bipolar and she essentially lives her entire life on a couch in a tiny low income apartment. She only come over twice in the last twenty something years.

Yes, her anxiety and distress is high when she ventures out...........but think of that..........only ventured out into the world and around others just a few times in twenty years?

When invited to things it's always the same answer, "I'll have to see how I feel."

Well, to everyone out there like me..........push within reason, try to overcome, get the understanding and support of someone you trust, and get out there and live.

 

[becvan]

It's all about healthy boundaries and making healthy decisions. I started on the road to healing from PTSD by wanting to avoid the very same thing. No more victimization. I learned that it was a combination of things undoing me. It was making unhealthy choices, living an unhealthy lifestyle, having no boundaries and playing into my weaknesses instead of using my strengths.

It could be any combination or other things for any of you, but the heart of it will be all about boundaries. It is what we allow others to do and what we don't or do stand up for and what are those consequences when they are crossed?

Work on your boundaries. What is acceptable behavior (from yourself as well as others?) If someone is stepping over the line with their behavior, what are the consequences? What are your consequences? Same with verbal.... What are healthy decisions? What happens when you make unhealthy ones or others do? How do you recognize them? What are the consequences? How about lifestyle? What about your lifestyle is putting yourself at risk? What is not?

These are the questions you need to answer and to work on. It is very possible to have others in your life, you just have to work at it being appropriate. Good luck.

bec