Childhood How Do You Cope Today ?

[Deleted member 34060]

Dear all,

I have been hestitating for a long time to ask this question here as I am aware that this is a bit touchy and might be very uncomfortable for some of you. So, I hope it is ok, but I would perfectly understand if the admins would lock or delete this thread.

The question is to those who were sexually abused as a child or teenager, how is your sexual life today as an adult ? Can you enjoy a normal sex life with your spouse or do you refrain completely ? Or do you do it to make your spouse happy but are struggling yourself ? What did you do to cope with it ?

The reason I'm asking is that I personally wasn't sexually abused, but verbally and emotionally and even today still gives me a hard time. I'm living a relatively normal life and I'm doing ok mostly, but it is still there. I'm not very good in conflict situations (arguments, etc.), I still fear situations where I feel trapped and have no escape route (e.g. on an airplane), etc.

So, I am still searching for ways out, for strategies against those problems, so I'm trying to ask others how they cope with their problems, as it might give a hint or new ideas.

Best regards
Frank

 

[Alimaria]

I am a survivor of CSA. My father was the main abuser and my mother was the enabler. Although I enjoy a very active and healthy sex life with my SO, my psyche is pretty screwed up because I view sex as the only thing I can do right.

I used sex as a way to replace the bad memories. The more sexual experiences I had that weren't related to abuse, the more empowered I felt. I was very promiscuous and loved the feeling of having seduced someone. I think this has to do with me always needing to feel in control of those situations.

 

[Whyteferret]

I'm on the other end. I've never had any sort of intimate relationship.
I''m curious to see the responses

 

[watundah]

I was promiscuous in my 20s but chalked it up to being single and dating a lot. It also led to one incident of date rape as well as an STD, so yay. My T told me I had weak boundaries.

I've had a happy sex life with committed partners but did have one flashback a few years ago during the act that was very upsetting. I didn't mention it but I'm glad it's never happened again.

 

[Ronin]

I'm mostly fine, have other issues with sex life to be honest.

(As in connecting sex with violence / self defense.

I'm scared of getting close to people because I might very really hurt them. Heck, even people I don't tend to confuse with other people, as my current fiance, got multitude of warnings, and downright meltdowns from me about intimacy.)

 

[anonymous]

I was at first curious about sex in my teens, having finally bridged the gap and lost my virginity at the age of 17. I had not at all recalled my childhood molestations by my grandfather, they were completely blocked from my memory, so they did not play any conscious role in my teenage sexuality. I enjoyed sex with my first partner, but he shortly thereafter left me for another girl. So I did not have relations again until I was in college a couple of years later.

My next partner was frankly to BIG for me, and hurt me physically. I ended up marrying him (huge mistake) and this problem continued, but we did not understand that there was far more behind it than I realized. (I did not discover my childhood molestations until I was in my mid-30s).

We eventually ended up divorcing, for many reasons, a failed sexlife among them, I guess, though it certainly was not the top reason. He was a gambler and gambled our rent money on a horse one month. We were evicted and I found an older man who was willing to take me in, because otherwise I would end up homeless!

He was a smaller man, 5 foot 2 inches in height and so he was small and did not hurt me. Nor did her resemble my grandfather at all, which I think helped. My ex-husband had been tall like the grandfather was, and he had had some other similar traits too, like being very selfish.

I married the new man eventually and we had a nice sexlife together, but he was a lot older than I was and because of some medicines he had to take, he became impotent. We had not known the cause of his impotence, in fact he just hid it from me even becoming uninterested in sex seemingly, until I overheard a conversation he had with his best friend telling him about it. By that time it was too late anyway, as he had suffered a stroke and was no longer able to do much of anything anyway, certainly not sex.

So I figured it was OK to have another sexual partner, even though he was still alive and we were still married. So I seduced a man and we had a great sexlife together, until he one night raped me when I was "not in the mood." From that point on, I tried to get away from him, but it was tough, as he was very persistent and very demanding and very threatening at times.

I finally moved to another city far away from him, after my husband had died.

I am no longer interested in men or having a sexlife. I fear I could run into another abusive man and I just cannot take the chance. Also, I am now past menopause and do not have any urges for sex. So I don't feel any great loss.

 

[anonymous]

The reason I'm asking is that I personally wasn't sexually abused, but verbally and emotionally and even today still gives me a hard time. I'm living a relatively normal life and I'm doing ok mostly, but it is still there. I'm not very good in conflict situations (arguments, etc.), I still fear situations where I feel trapped and have no escape route (e.g. on an airplane), etc.

Not sure if I'm misunderstanding and that you are saying that the verbal and emotional abuse is causing you problems sexually? Apologies if I have misread, but from what I'm reading it is causing you issues in conflict situations rather than sexual ones? Have you considered starting a thread asking for people's experience with those specific issues? I would think that might give you more insight into your own situation than asking about the sex lives of sexual assault victims if that is not something you have experienced yourself.

 

[HappyJock]

I was SA at the age of 7 for six months while also being emotionally abused and drugged. I don't have a sex life, as any time someone is remotely intimate with me, I get triggered, dissociate and get defensive and angry. This probably answers the coping question, as it is how I cope -- so long as no one hugs me, touches me or is too personal with me, I'm better than I would be if they were.

 

[RussH]

@FrankM I think you might get some more helpful responses if you were to post under Miscellaneous asking people who have a similar history with you i.e. emotional abuse, and verbal abuse.
I think here you are trying to compare apples to oranges, and the responses will not be all that helpful.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I was hesitant to answer once I read that you weren't a victim of sexual abuse. However, then I read your line about looking for answers in other places and I am going to take you at face value because that does help sometimes.

I am married and have been for 11 years. I had 7 years of being married and mostly unaware that I had been sexually abused so I would say it was an average sex life though there were times when we both got into our work (teaching is a very time consuming job) and that would keep us away from sex, which for some reason we seemed to think took a long time- we've since learned time can vary. I was sometimes very shy or hesitant about it, but I love my husband and that's all I needed- love.

Now, I have been diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder and it's a whole new experience. My husband and I don't have sex very often for a variety of reasons- kids, work, my emotional state, our energy levels, and my physical state. But amazingly, I don't have trouble when we do. I tell all of my parts to go back inside to their comfort places or nowhere in particular and I am just me and it's fine. The biggest strategy that helps is being patient. My husband has to be patient and it and I have to be patient.

I remind myself I am going for quality. It's similar to how I take part in life. I struggle to be fully-present in certain social situations and so I have decided to only partake in the ones I really want to. Even with family events. If I am not in the right frame of mind, it won't go well. So I try not to think about the quantity (how many kids' parties have I attended, how many times have I gone out to eat with friends, etc) and instead think about quality. When I feel I can handle a situation or event, I go for it and it has a higher quality. That helps me guide myself in life. Not that I have the ability to pick and choose everything, but giving myself permission not to do everything has been helpful and increased the quality of life with my family.

 

[Deleted member 34060]

Thanks a lot for all the contributions !!!

Maybe I should have been more clear about it: I think my verbal abuse hasn't had any influence on my sexual life, I think I have a pretty average, normal sex life.
The reason I'm asking here is that I'm trying to look "over the fence", trying to find answers, strategies, etc. beyond my own area. Not sure if it is a good idea or if it will help as I indeed might be comparing apples and oranges.

What makes abuse so evil to me is that you not only have to endure horrible things and you can never forget them, but it even keeps on kicking in for the rest of your life if you don't find a way out.

 

[Suzetig]

I'm not entirely sure how knowing about my sex life would help you deal with conflict. I have also experienced physical abuse and neglect and struggle a lot with conflict - I'd be interested in a discussion around that.

How do you think knowing about someone's experience of sex after CSA would help your understanding of your issues with conflict?