How Do You Cope With The Unbearability?

[barefoot]

I've been seeing my therapist for about a year. I really like her and I think we have a good relationship.

The last few sessions have been a little....rocky...! It's felt unbearable being in the room with her. I've felt so uncomfortable – so excruciatingly so that I've just wanted to peel my skin off and step out of it.

And after saying very little, I find it impossible to speak and then I just sit and feel more uncomfortable and more distressed. I think what I'm actually feeling is shame.

I've also been feeling a bit more defensive than usual during sessions and have realised sometimes that I'm sitting glaring at her – I can't really put my finger on the reason(s) why.

Anyway – it just struck me at this week's session that I'm not dissociating anywhere near as much in therapy lately. That I'm suddenly much more able to keep my head in the room. But it seems like now my head's in the room, my voice is leaving faster than ever.

I know this is progress – that dissociating less means improvement and a step towards being able to do the deeper level therapeutic work that I know I need to do. But I suppose, naively, I just hadn't realised that it would feel like out of nowhere the dissociation has disappeared and in its place is just this hideousness. This hideous discomfort of feeling and sitting with such unbearability. I wasn't expecting it. And I don't know what to do with it.

My therapist and I talked about this at the end of the last session and she was very compassionate and encouraging and said we'll work through it together. It's just come as a bit of a shock. And, even though I know it's a good thing, I kind of want the dissociation back. But I know that's just me being cowardly.

Ugh....has anyone got any tips for dealing with the unbearability?!

 

[Casey_03]

The unbearability means you're finally feeling things now that you either blocked out before or somehow avoided. At least, that's what I think. It's unpleasant, but it means growth. It means you are facing demons. The best way to deal with it is to be proud of yourself for doing it! Seriously, when it's unbearable like that, just think to yourself "Yeah, sure this is terrible, but I'm making my way through it. It's unpleasant, but I'm still here and I am confronting it." That's how I have always dealt with it, and it helps. The more you tell yourself that, the less unbearable it becomes.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks @Casey_03 - I know you're right. I know it's progress. it's just taken me by surprise and has spooked me, I think. I didn't think the dissociation would just suddenly not be there and would just leave me exposed to all this horrible stuff without any warning!

Intellectually, I understand what you mean and how that would work. But it just feels even more shameful.

 

[Ronin]

When things got really unbearable in the same way? I've asked my therapists for a time off, a few minutes. Exited the room, went somewhere in the hearing distance, just so I don't take off entirely. Came back, continued the sessions.

Being away from them physically for a while let me sort what is it I'm really feeling, stop seeing them as a threat, start seeing them as someone I can freely leave so things are all good, it's just the topic material that's getting to me, and that is something manageable.

So what I'd advise is communication. Let them know you need a space off, and how much of the space out. Work it out together.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks @Cashew - that might help. Because the more I sit there the more claustrophobic everything feels and the closer my therapist feels and it all feels too much and I get really 'flooded' and distressed. So maybe leaving the room for a bit in a controlled manner (ie not just leaping up and bolting out before I even know I'm going anywhere, like I've do eaves times before) might relieve some of the intense feelings.

 

[Friday]

Personally I use chemicals or touch. Chemicals for distance when a thing is too close, touch for strength.

Chemicals are easy. Meds, a cigarette, a brief run for the endorphin rush and to bleed off adrenaline. Easy = works in an office environment ;)

Touch? I'll tell a lover or a sparring partner 1000x more than I've ever told a therapist.

 

[The Albatross]

I call it "being willing to be uncomfortable" but wouldn't allow myself to cross into "unbearable". Unbearable to me was irrational.

 

[Crow]

That horrible feeling finally started to abate the day I had the courage to tell T what I felt in that moment. For me it was pure, unadulterated rage with a heaping side of shame. T wasn't surprised of course. There'd be months of near silence or talking about stupid stuff. She was great actually.

It's been over a year and those feelings still creep in. I name them aloud when they do and they leave. It's fing cool. And I'm present in session and feeling real, here and now feelings.

Hang in there. This discomfort is temporary!

 

[barefoot]

That horrible feeling finally started to abate the day I had the courage to tell T what I felt in that moment.

Yes, I suppose this isn't what I've been able to do all this time. We start each session with a bit of chit chat to get settled, then she always asks, 'So how are you feeling?' And just that question seems to make me panic/freeze and I never know what to say, so I just start rabbiting on about everything that's happened in the past week. I basically always answer her 'how are you feeling?' with a detailed description of what I've been doing...

And other times during sessions if she's tried to draw me back to my feelings, it's like I can't connect at all and I just don't know how to answer. Often because I don't know how I'm feeling. Or because I'm feeling fine in that moment when I'm with her, then as soon as I leave I don't again. It's confusing...

But I haven't been feeling fine with her lately. Because I've been feeling that excruciating unbearability...

Sigh...

I call it "being willing to be uncomfortable" but wouldn't allow myself to cross into "unbearable"...

I don't seem to be able to regulate the feelings at the moment. I just tip into full-on unbearable before I know what's happening. It really is like I want to crawl out of my own body. I know it isn't rational and I'm usually all for being logical and intellectualising. But this is just an emotional flood and I'm not sure how to cope with it. I'm not used to feeling it. And now I'm feeling it, i can't seem to control it.

@FridayJones - I can see chemicals having an impact. Just not sure I'd pick the good ones!

Touch...hmm...that's causing quite a lot of spookery at the moment...my physical boundaries are in overdrive.

Jeez...it's exhausting...!

 

[The Albatross]

Emotional dysregulation is normal... emotional regulation however is a skill set/tool that can be learned. Self checks and or mindfulness... even setting intentions in the morning and reviewing them in the evening for successes or "things we could have done better" are all assistive. The feeling that tells you you can't control it is a liar.
http://learning2breathe.org/about/purpose

Link Removed

 

[barefoot]

Yeah...just thinking, I'm not doing any of the checking in with myself/mindfulness stuff that I'd got into a habit of doing last year...journaling, meditation, diaphragmatic breathing...

Thanks for the links @The Albatross

 

[falling_wave]

For me it's really hard and I usually end up breaking down in tears if I don't address it. I've become pretty able to straight up say what's going on even if I don't know why. I usually just say I hate what I'm feeling right now and I don't know how to make it go away. Then she helps me through those feelings and they tend to dissipate. I get that shame feeling though. I'm having trouble ruminating over times when I feel that in therapy. Hope that helps!