How Do You Cope With The Unbearability?

[Flossy]

@barefoot I think it will help you if you make the shame into a 'thing". I call things "monsters". I say the Depression Monster is here or the Shame Monster is here. Or the "My Son Died Monster" is here.

It detaches the Monster from being a part of you, your DNA, your mind. It is something that is in you for the moment, but not really you.

So, in your position, I would tell your therapist you will be letting her know when Shame comes to visit. Or when Shame is there in you.

My Life Coach gave me a rule that Shame is not allowed. I respond very well to rules...I call them ROOLS instead. You can make this rool for yourself and also ask the therapist to support that rool. When shame comes and you tell her, she must repeat that Shame is not allowed any more. It will sink into your psyche in a small amount of time.

If you draw, you can draw it at home somewhere you can see it. Make it ugly and funny. Or you can write it up on the wall in chalk and put a sign over it indicating it is not allowed. like a circle with a line through it.

You can call shame another name if Monster does not fit. But it has to be a name that shows it is not pleasant and does not fit well with you. Beast, Jackal, Toad etc.

I think you also need a cup of tea to sip in you session. Sweet milky tea in your own special favourite type of cup or mug. A soothing ritual. Take a tiny sip when you freeze up.

 

[Tinyflame]

Does it feel like your clothes are on fire @barefoot ?

 

[barefoot]

@Flossy - I think that's an interesting take from your coach, saying that the feeling isn't allowed. Is it like a CBT kind of approach? Almost trying to re-wire your brain to think differently about that feeling and have it not exist for you anymore? I can't see how saying it isn't allowed actually makes the feeling go away? Have you got a therapist as well who you've worked on this stuff with? I can't imagine my therapist would be up for the 'it's not allowed' route. I think she would think we have to name it, be with it and work with it in a connected way so that I can then release/integrate what I have to to 'let it go'.

I like your idea that the shame isn't actually me - it's a feeling that comes to visit sometimes.

 

[barefoot]

Does it feel like your clothes are on fire @barefoot ?

It feels more like I'm covered in something sticky...like oil or treacle...something that gets everywhere and clings and no matter how much you try, you can't get it off. Like your efforts to get it off just mean you end up rubbing it around and spreading it over everything... Not sure if that makes sense? There is a heat to it as well, but not really like I'm burning, it's not that intense.

 

[Flossy]

@barefoot. I respond to rules and my life coach and I saw 'saying shame is not allowed" is more in the sense of things between her and I and also shame attached to my thinking while learning how to think differently. It definitely rewired my brain working with her.

I no longer see a therapist or have life coaching. I had many therapists and the life coaching was more successful for me than anything.

I guess because it was at the end of all the therapy and also learning about the personality disorder that my mother and other family members had. This study helped me immensely. I have a mind that finds peace when I know all I can about the cause of a problem. I think of it as Learning = Knowledge = Peace. I will take on therapy again if I feel it is necessary.

Seeing shame or guilt or grief as a separate entity and even drawing it or calling it a name is a tool that is used in treating eating disorders like anorexia.

The shame isnt you. Life coaching took me back to who I was as a child. The purest form of our selves. I could see how my self was then and how valuable my beliefs and values were. The end result of it was that I 'believed' that version of myself to be the true me rather than the one that had been traumatised or influenced badly by toxic family life and the incorrect learning gained there.

We are all in different stages and our own personality and preferred method of learning mean there will always be differences. It is nice to get ideas by asking as you did and then leave aside what does not feel will fit with you. You will feel its right when it is the right fit.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks @Flossy – sorry, I didn't mean to sound critical or dismissive before, so I hope I didn't come across that way. I was just a bit confused about how that worked, so thanks for the further explanation. Makes more sense to me now!

 

[Flossy]

@barefoot - oh no, you didnt sound critical to me. I am just tired and typing in bed. I sensed I was not writing at my best. No problem at all. Time to turn the light out soon. Both the dog and my husband are snoring.

 

[Tinyflame]

Link Removed. I respond to rules and my life coach and I saw 'saying shame is not allowed" is more in the sense of things between her and I and also shame attached to my thinking while learning how to think differently.

The shame isnt you. Life coaching took me back to who I was as a child. The purest form of our selves. I could see how my self was then and how valuable my beliefs and values were.the true me rather than the one that had been traumatised or influenced badly by toxic family life and the incorrect learning gained there.

I see the benefit of trying to adopt the first, but for me the shame (or requirement it exists, that is validity of it), 'is' me. I cannot say I too was not at fault, or am (even currently) not at fault due to how I am as a person now, ( including the ptsd).

 

[joeylittle]

I can't imagine my therapist would be up for the 'it's not allowed' route. I think she would think we have to name it, be with it and work with it in a connected way so that I can then release/integrate what I have to to 'let it go'.

There's also a DBT technique called 'turning the mind' -basically, when your mind looks in a direction that is going to cause you to spiral into something, you try and be mindful of that and then turn your mind away from it. It's very much based on observing your own thoughts, which is common to CBT, DBT....pretty much anything. I appreciate it because rules trigger something else in me, and I use them to beat myself up, which just makes it all worse. But turning my mind lets me see the thing I don't want to go towards, and then turn my attention away from it and have my mind go down a different path instead.

Turning your mind still allows for the possibility to go back and look at it later - which also addresses that other notion of needing/wanting to process and work through things. So, you can turn your mind away when it's not a good time, but allow your mind to turn towards it when you are prepared to work on it.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks @joeylittle - that makes sense and sits better with me as a concept.

 

[ms spock]

I call it "being willing to be uncomfortable" but wouldn't allow myself to cross into "unbearable". Unbearable to me was irrational.

I didn't get this for the longest time.

The feeling that tells you you can't control it is a liar.

I have believed and still believe those lies.

Really good thread @barefoot. I have learnt a bit more. Thanks.

 

[Louise1988]

I haven't been here for a while and came on today having had nearly exactly the same experience in therapy today. I am not sure I have any advice - but a big *this isn't just you* *you aren't weird* and *solidarity*.

Sorry I am super tired so I don't feel able to express those complicated feelings any better!