How Do You Define Abuse?

[GWhizz]

This may seem like a ridiculous question when the answer is simply in any dictionary.

But it really threw me yesterday when my T was doing a brief assessment and asked me to give a rough idea of the number of abusers I'd had. I answered with 'I don't know, it would depend on what you mean by abuse'.

I think I just hate the word, as I also hate her overuse of the term csa and her subsequent need to follow up with 'csa - child sexual abuse' as if I don't know what it stands for already. It just seems horrifying to even associate such terms personally.

And I don't actually know what exactly constitutes abuse. I know my father was definitely abusive - physically and sexually and every other kind really. Was my mother and sister for knowing about it and enabling it? Was my brother for following in my father's footsteps? Were the people I was sold to as a child? If so, I can't count. I don't know all of them. Some I never saw their faces so I don't know if they were new people or ones I'd already met. There's just so so much. And when I say that - she doesn't seem to get it.

And to top it off, I just can't get past the self-blame. If I let it happen to me then it was my own fault. I submitted so I feel like I have to own that.

Sorry for the pity-party.

 

[Sighs]

I'm no expert and I usually stay right away from these posts as I don't feel I have anything helpful to contribute, but I do know it was NOT your fault.

I'm not sure why your T asked you how many abusers you'd had. I don't understand the relevance.

But I KNOW it was not your fault.

 

[Mochi]

My T asked me what it would have taken in my past to call it abuse. First thoughts: blood, rage, hate, physical pain, malicious intent...of course those words didn't come out because I knew where she was going with that, and that evidently she would classify my experiences as abusive ones... After coming to terms with that little gem, the idea of identifying my "abusers" sends me into story time dissociation and I can't feel anything but anger and frustration that not just ONE person did this. So I waffle between victim, pissed off, and disappointed with myself while simultaneously defending my abusers for "not knowing" or "having reason" ie, their own abusive pasts.
I read your post and thought how overwhelmed you must feel, and how frustrated with situations where people don't quite comprehend what they are asking of you... And I wanted to send my support to you.

 

[Hope4Now]

If I let it happen to me then it was my own fault. I submitted so I feel like I have to own that.

I struggle with this too. My head says this is crazy-ridiculous...you were not to blame...you were just trying to survive. But lots of parts feel like it was my fault and I deserve whatever suffering I am suffering.

'I don't know, it would depend on what you mean by abuse'.

It's not a ridiculous question at all. I posted a question about whether something was abusive or not last week. I really don't quite know.
Your response seems pretty reasonable to me. I am just beginning to learn the extent of my own denial/minimization/dissociation. Until about a year ago, I wouldn't have defined much of anything of what happened to me as "abuse." But the more I read on this forum and elsewhere, the more I realize it was. That's hard to swallow.

And I don't actually know what exactly constitutes abuse.

It was helpful to me to read at some point that there are two kinds...abuse of action and abuse of inaction/neglect. I'm not naming them right, but you get the idea. The first is the abusers who hit or yell terrible things or do sexual things, etc. The second is the abusers who abuse through turning a blind eye, or gaslighting, or just doing nothing. Both are abusive.

 

[Sandstone]

How many people treated you as a thing instead of a person who deserved humanity and compassion?

 

[shimmerz]

There's just so so much. And when I say that - she doesn't seem to get it.

Of course it is too much. I can feel my mind swimming right now when I even attempt to think about it let alone answer it. I would be concerned as to where she is going with this one. It doesn't seem like a productive question to ask somehow.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

It helped me when I started to think about the fact that abusers can be malicious, with the intent to harm you, but they can also be passive, in that they fail to protect you. Abusers run the gamut. Likewise, abuse runs the gamut.

What is tricky about it (at least for me) is that sometimes there is no clear cut boundary. I know I am just echoing what you said before, @GWhizz. Somethings are obviously abuse and easy to term that way. But others aren't so clear cut. I think, for therapy though, it doesn't matter as much what the actual facts were as much as how you perceived them.

 

[GWhizz]

The reason she's asking is because I felt it was important that she understood the dynamics of my trauma/'abuse'. I have been finding it impossible to communicate anything in therapy. After having a T who basically told me she took on more than she thought she was, when she learned the extent of my history, I wanted this T to get a basic idea before I spend another year with someone who may drop me like the last one did.

I'm just so confused right now.

 

[garden]

I am recently starting to realize that I have been abused more than I had previously thought because I did not realize that some of it could actually be considered abuse. For example, teachers who looked the other way when I was being bullied were enabling the bullies to behave in an abusive manner with the knowledge that there was no consequence. I had a yard duty teacher, my 2nd grade teacher, and my 4th grade teacher all ignore me entirely when I tried to tell them that I was being bullied. All three of them did it in the exact same manner as well. They just looked over my head, and didn't acknowledge me or give eye contact when I told them, and I remember waiting awkwardly and then repeating myself only to have them sternly tell me to go back to my seat (the yard duty teacher just continued to ignore me until I went away), again without any eye contact and without even stopping to acknowledge me. This taught me that I had to endure the bullying. By high school the name calling, and bullying had simply become my normal. I used to think this was just mean, but now I think it's abuse, even though it might not seem like it is. From these experiences I learned that nobody had my back, and I had to fend for myself, and I grew up not asking for help, and not expressing my needs, and this spilled over into adulthood. I'm still not totally sure if those things are truly considered abuse, but I'm leaning towards believing they are abusive actions/inactions. It does seem hard to define.

I guess quantifying things is just part of assessing things for therapists. What's crappy about this though, is when you are born into, and grow up in an environment wrought with daily abuse of various kinds and chronic daily neglect, you don't want to sit down and try to quantify that sh*t! I'ts just too much. When I tried to do this I became a danger to myself and I had to stop, and I'm grateful that I trusted my own judgement on this rather than my T's, cuz it was a close call, ya know? It's rough territory, tread carefully.

 

[Rumors]

I think I just hate the word, as I also hate her overuse of the term csa and her subsequent need to follow up with 'csa - child sexual abuse' as if I don't know what it stands for already. It just seems horrifying to even associate such terms personally.

Yep...totally relate to this. Every time my T refers to something in my life as "abuse" I want to crawl under the table. I am not sure why. Maybe it is part of the shame. I want to hide though. It is just not a label I associate with easily.
Hang in there! I hope it gets easier for you.

 

[GWhizz]

It's just she looks at it all in a very clinical light. And I'm struggling very hard to see it from an adult perspective as it is. Now I'm thinking, wait til she knows more... I couldn't bear my old T using the 'r' word.

 

[ihateusernames]

I answered with 'I don't know, it would depend on what you mean by abuse'.

This is my answer, too. I have given it to 2 therapists and both of them seemed disturbed by that response. I don't understand why. It seems like a completely reasonable answer to me. Hearing about others' experiences is a world different from experiencing them yourself. They can look at it objectively, but you have years and years of thoughts about it and different ways of processing it through different stages of your life. You probably viewed your norm as pretty normal for awhile. I know I did. Why would we see normal, everyday life as abuse? It annoys me when they don't get this. I think they need to step away from their clinical interpretation, to use your word, some of the time.

I know none of that is any help to you or an answer to your question. But I do understand where you're coming from.