How do you define violence?

[JGirl]

@Renly I plan to discuss this with my T. I dont see her again until December. If I define violence as someone having per and control over the other, then I was in a very violent relationship. I never thought that my marriage was that bad because I was treated so much better than how my sister treated me.

 

[Renly]

@Renly I plan to discuss this with my T. I dont see her again until December. If I define violence as someone having per and control over the other, then I was in a very violent relationship. I never thought that my marriage was that bad because I was treated so much better than how my sister treated me.

I can relate. I am in the process of learning what is “healthy.” That way I can aim for healthy in my life instead of “not as bad.” (Also learning to distinguish healthy from perfect…becasuse perfect is not attainable). I imagine your therapist is viewing your situation from the “healthy” lens and that is why she reacted the way she did. Trauma creates a skewed view of things and we often settle for less because we simply do not know.

 

[Freida]

Thanks to my dramas I'm over reactive when it comes to the idea of violence so my definion is pretty simple...
Basically if you put hands on me with the intent to control me and/or cause pain it's Buhbye. See ya. We're done.
No second chances, no explanations.
I'm gone.

Emotional "violence" fits in their too - when the intent is to control or cause pain. Bones and bruises heals, but words? not so much

So ya - pushing you with a baby in your arms? That's violence against both you AND baby.

 

[scout86]

Great topic!

I don't think something has to be intentional to be violent. After all, you can have a violent storm, a violent car crash. In case anyone is looking for an official definition, here's what Dictionary.com has to say. Violence

 

[Autumnsirens]

I don't think intent matters.
I'm sure my mother never intended to be violent, but her actions invoked fear and asserted control, even when there was no physical contact.

I think violence occurs in any instance where force is used to create fear, control, or influence another person. That act can be physical, verbal, emotional, spiritual, etc.

 

[JGirl]

So ya - pushing you with a baby in your arms? That's violence against both you AND baby.

This statement kept me from replying on this post right away. It is what I am afraid to face. I need to accept this incident for what it is, along with other incidents in my marriage to move forward.

 

[arfie]

Not looking to debate whether spanking is right or wrong or whatever, but I am curious about how to tell whether violence is abuse or not?

i go by force and duration. just enough to reach past the hysteria is discipline. losing control and continuing beyond the attention-getting is abuse.

 

[Mach123]

There seems to be little separation here between what violence is and how the recipient perceives or reacts to it. Hitting you with anger or intent I guess separates fooling around violence from real violence. The threat of violence is real though and probably used more often. So I don’t really have an answer which makes this such a great question.

 

[Friday]

Not looking to debate whether spanking is right or wrong or whatever, but I am curious about how to tell whether violence is abuse or not?

Turn it around

…there’s the same difference between spanking and beating (abuse); as there is between timeout and locking a child in a closet/box/basement (abuse); as there is between telling a child to go play outside, and leaving them outside to suffer/sicken in the snow/rain/heat (abuse); as there is by skipping a meal in prep for a feast or because sleep is more necessary, and not bothering to feed them (neglect) or regularly refusing them food whilst everyone else eats (abuse); as there is between cuffing them upside the head in affection or ‘Oy!, and boxing their ears/punching them in the head (abuse); etc.

Striking someone? Is like sex v. rape. Exact same physical action… WILDLY different events.

People -both kids/adults- can be hit with affection and smiles/laughter on all parts, to get someone’s attention, as instruction, as discipline, as a trial/hazing, as punishment, in anger/rage, &/or abusively. Prolly not a complete list… just sorta off the top of my head sliding along the scale.

Ditto physical violence that leaves huge marks (bruises, scars, broken bones) can be somehing cheerfully entered into and proudly displayed (think sports), whilst something that doesn’t even redden (like a pinch, or grabbing someone up by the hair) can be cruel as f*ck.

How to tell what’s what? Context.

 

[Mach123]

Turn it around

…there’s the same difference between spanking and beating (abuse); as there is between timeout and locking a child in a closet/box/basement (abuse); as there is between telling a child to go play outside, and leaving them outside to suffer/sicken in the snow/rain/heat (abuse); as there is by skipping a meal in prep for a feast or because sleep is more necessary, and not bothering to feed them (neglect) or regularly refusing them food whilst everyone else eats (abuse); as there is between cuffing them upside the head in affection or ‘Oy!, and boxing their ears/punching them in the head (abuse); etc.

Striking someone? Is like sex v. rape. Exact same physical action… WILDLY different events.

People -both kids/adults- can be hit with affection and smiles/laughter on all parts, to get someone’s attention, as instruction, as discipline, as a trial/hazing, as punishment, in anger/rage, &/or abusively. Prolly not a complete list… just sorta off the top of my head sliding along the scale.

Ditto physical violence that leaves huge marks (bruises, scars, broken bones) can be somehing cheerfully entered into and proudly displayed (think sports), whilst something that doesn’t even redden (like a pinch, or grabbing someone up by the hair) can be cruel as f*ck.

How to tell what’s what? Context.

For example, I trained at an mma gym for years and they trained “professional” fighters and they had to be chronically lectured not to concuss each other in the ring whilst sparring. They were practicing violence but don’t hit your partner in anger.
It didn’t work. They never gave up trying though because sparring is necessary.

 

[grit]

IMHO, the person receiving it decides what is violent not the one giving it. People can be so unconscious, mindless that sometimes they do not even know what they are saying or doing is hurting or harming others until the target says so. Associations matter, if you think you are violated or had violence against you, probably it is.

I think SM relations make very clear the submissive decides how low an action goes and same goes for society. Do whatever you want, but when a person crosses a threshold, the receiver - individual or society - will tell.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I used to work with violent, developmentally delayed folks and when they attacked me I would counter their attacks and put them in protective holds if needed. Although it was very stressful, it didn't register as violence towards me although it was. Sort of like what @Friday was saying. In my state hitting a wall in anger during a fight is considered domestic violence.

Violence can cause fear. My PTSD is mostly fear based due to lots and lots of physical violence. Even the nuns where I went to school would punch children who misbehaved. The WHO defines abuse as, "the intentional use of physical force or power, threatened or actual, against oneself, another person, or against a group or community, which either results in or has a high likelihood of resulting in injury, death, psychological harm, maldevelopment, or deprivation." I like this definition.