How do you define your worth?

[Strangelongtrip]

For as long as I can remember I derived my worth from my external successes: perfect grades (I cried the first time I got an answer wrong. I was in 4th grade), how much I read, what I produced. Like, even as a child, although then it was more about what I LOVED to do: what could I do productive that would benefit things I love to do? How could I be a better horse rider? How could I write better? How could I be more valuable?

Of course this crashes down over and over. When I was in so much agonizing pain I couldn’t get perfect grades, when PTSD took over my life, and now I try to prioritize balance but it’s like...I struggle to accept that internal validation and self validation means anything to me. Because it doesn’t. I don’t care what I think, really. Half the time I think what I write is crap and half the time I love it: the same exact paragraph I thought was trash yesterday I think is genius today. How can I rely on internal validation when I’m so inconsistent in how I feel about what I make? So external validation makes more sense to me. I don’t feel like I have any self worth unless it’s externally validated.

long rant over. My point now haha. How do you define self worth and internal validation? What about you is your definition of self worth? How do you break out of needing external validation? How do you trust your judgement of yourself?

 

[Ronin]

Complicated / not one answer...

But close comes doing & being & protecting whichever value I decided to, to the most I can give it.

And I try reaaally hard to not rely on one definition of worth. It's so takeable. Twistable. Breakable people by.

Internal validation to me is not needing one... things line up so much with my being validation of any sort is unnecessary.

Breaking out of that need, the hard / life answer is been broken too many times and don't have the f*cks to do the same gig million times / I'm tired and want other things in life than agony and tears.

The less bitter answer is by valuing choice & starting over, hard. As in can decide on a new value or new take on an old one and stick to, any moment... and affirm it by continued decision/acts.

That's how, by the way. Choose, decide, choose again. And again. Live by it, what once wasn't yours or was lost becomes you again.

How do I trust my judgment? By correcting it on go.
All time trust is either a stupidity or delusion (or both ;) ). Judgment isn't meant to be static / binary value... but one correct measuring other values and acts.

Can't correct measure self absorbed or too invested in one anything that all else is left to burn. Needs self correction.

That's other How of to do's in this... by adding shades of grey and colors. And then finding the thing I like being best, in my life & others.

Also by doing things for me / relying on me. Making decisions others' judgment won't matter in to me, mine will. Doing right and good and the most in my eyes, regardless of others criteria, how much they agree or disagree and in what ways, or how the whole thing pans out.

Taking the solid, leaving the rest. Solid doesn't have to feel good. Some of the most solid about me is pretty damn awful... and pretty damn consistent, because I will be a monster and f*ckup only for *those* reasons regardless the outside situation or pressure, and not others.

Probably the short answer.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Bear in mind that this is an instinctive answer.

My definition of self worth is look for the inherent self-worth you already have. It´s not created, it´s not rational, you can´t "think yourself a self-worth". Instead feel it.

Stop trying to achieve it. Sit with yourself and breathe and FEEL the fact that you exist and then feel how that feels. Whenever the voices (rationality) start telling you how it feels, ignore them and feel it again.

Again, this is instinctive. But I am battling with the same issue and my intuition is telling me it starts there. It starts with merely Being. Just being, accepting that you ARE, I feel is already quite a lot of progress.

 

[Rani G2]

Reading this thread with much Interest @Strangelongtrip!
Would say, that my cells vibrate on the same frequency..
Any advice/explaination I would write down is too abstract and just an attempt to explain (And I don’t have the real tools yet) as I‘m mostly in the initial stages of learning/ throwing away the useless/ adaption and again fighting inner battles due to an external trigger.

How do you define self worth and internal validation?

Just a very very personal thought (Not helpful) I rely a lot on my memory and cognition- What am I gonna Do if early dementia knocks on my door? Or any other health issue/ Accident ect?



Looking forward to read more answers!

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Thank you all for your responses!!

Internal validation to me is not needing one... things line up so much with my being validation of any sort is unnecessary.

This is an interesting way to look at this. I like it, I struggle with that sort of intuition though.

Judgment isn't meant to be static / binary value... but one correct measuring other values and acts.

Judgement is another thing I struggle with.

Can't correct measure self absorbed or too invested in one anything that all else is left to burn. Needs self correction.

Been there done that I keep doing that haha. I burn myself out on one thing obsessing all the time. Trying to learn balance.

My definition of self worth is look for the inherent self-worth you already have. It´s not created, it´s not rational, you can´t "think yourself a self-worth". Instead feel it.

Stop trying to achieve it. Sit with yourself and breathe and FEEL the fact that you exist and then feel how that feels. Whenever the voices (rationality) start telling you how it feels, ignore them and feel it again.

This is so hard to me. The whole way I get through things is thinking my way out of them. Feelings are like a foreign language to me. Astrology has some explanations for that haha! I'm going to try exercises for this.

Just a very very personal thought (Not helpful) I rely a lot on my memory and cognition- What am I gonna Do if early dementia knocks on my door? Or any other health issue/ Accident ect?

I've had this exact thing happen and it's made defining self worth so hard, because I can't measure it in metrics because every day is different. My entire identity was based on cognition and it's sort of faltered between pain and neurological issues.

 

[pam4him]

It kind of sounds like you are very talented but uncomfortable in your own skin. Perhaps instead of trying to define it, just be. You are alive, which means you have a purpose in this world. It may take time to find it, years, decades even, but most likely you'll know it when it happens. For me, it's working with nonprofits as a mentor. I came home from work the other day and my husband wanted to know why I was so excited. I had spent the afternoon working with an agency, fulfilling my purpose. We also tend to be our own worst critic. Write what you feel, know, experience, envision, etc. Keep a journal of your writings and do your best not to trash anything. Perhaps try some form of meditation to help you find a peace that allows you to just be. Prayers for peace, wisdom and guidance.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Thank you @pam4him it's just so hard to just be. I can't be I have to do. My therapist I think calls it "human doing" instead of human being. I'll work on it.

 

[NatBird]

Bear in mind that this is an instinctive answer.

My definition of self worth is look for the inherent self-worth you already have. It´s not created, it´s not rational, you can´t "think yourself a self-worth". Instead feel it.

Stop trying to achieve it. Sit with yourself and breathe and FEEL the fact that you exist and then feel how that feels. Whenever the voices (rationality) start telling you how it feels, ignore them and feel it again.

Again, this is instinctive. But I am battling with the same issue and my intuition is telling me it starts there. It starts with merely Being. Just being, accepting that you ARE, I feel is already quite a lot of progress.

Thanks, that was super helpful. I really struggle with this. When you said instinctive I immediately went to communicating. I feel value in the way that I communicate. I'm not always, often not articulate but there is something in it, that is integral, important of value. Thanks for helping me land that:)

 

[Tinyflame]

Idk how to define (my own) worth- I know what I'm 'supposed' to say but it rings hollow or untrue. So I guess I just get on with the business of living, and leave that on the backburner.

 

[Friday]

How do you define self worth

I have no intrinsic worth. There is nothing about me that I value, or is valuable.

But when I was in a better headspace? My answer to that was a bet different >>> How do you build/find self worth?

The whole thread is useful as f*ck.

***

In the theme of better headspaces ;)

On building a sense of self (which one needs to nix external validation, IMO/IME, a strength in your own self)

It’s the one of the differences between surviving and living. Dealing with whatever, which you totally can because you have; and purposefully choosing, getting to know yourself through the prism of experience & priority. What do you value? What do you seek out? What do you love-like-don’t care about one way or the other-dislike-hate? How do you live your life when you can choose to live it any way you wish? What are you? Who do you want to be? How can you get there? What’s not quite, but almost right? Who do you admire? Big questions. All of them. And others. That you answer by doing.

On not needing external validation

I flew by the seat of my pants my whole life, as well as thrived on praise &/or competition from any quarter... Until one day I got an attagirl from someone I did not like and did not respect, while at the same time hugely disappointed & disgusted someone I liked and respected very much. It had probably happened before. That just happened to be the first time I cared. Hit me like a lead brick.

One of those reevaluate everything shifts in life. Also when I developed my own moral code, instead of following other people's (or doing whatever the f*ck I felt like at the time). It was a good thing. I was also a very, very hard thing. In part because I could no longer simply follow those I liked and respected. I had to be right with myself first. And sometimes that meant disagreeing with those I liked and respected. I still listened. I've learned to check myself hard if I'm catching flak from that quarter, just the same as getting praise from assholes, but if I'm right with it? Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Self respect.

I was lucky... I was in the middle of being very, very busy at the time. In a way that also let me seriously thrash out the edges and limits of that code. It wasn't until later, much later, after the cold hard left that I got sucked down into the guilt/shame/depression abyss. For the things I did, the things I didn't do, the things I wished I had done differently. Especially from before I thrashed out my own shit, but also from when I was learning, or broke with it after. Regret.

PTSD adds an extra sharp edge to that. My PTSD is also tied up in things I did, & things I didn't do. So there is some overlap that is sometimes difficult to sort, but it's a different level. Still, remorse & regret gut me. And that provides easy access* for PTSD to get wildly out of hand and the whole thing snowballs if I don't sort that shit pronto.

 

[Ronin]

@Friday, mighta start elsewhere...

Nothing valuable? Means I'm the *biggest* f*ckup. That took wee few decades effort to land there.

So where ma f*ckups connaisseurs be at??? :sneaky: :ninja:

In: Bad art? Worth the few mil TOO.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Now that I think of it again - just allowing yourself to be, and observe the fact that you are, instead of procrastinating/seeking distraction/dissociating etc. is an act that says: "I have self-worth".

Just like if I were to tell myself to go outside, even if just for five minutes, that would be an act that confirms self-worth. Because you care enough to give yourself that value, instead of looking towards external sources. :)