How Do You Disguise Yourself?

[billie]

This question is directed towards anybody, but in particular street kids or people with only knowing trauma as one way of life. For example, being on the streets from 9yr old taught me to walk in a way that wont expose me as a vulnerabe or as an adult now to dress in a particular way to blend in. I also look at my doctors credentials as I trust no one. Has anyone else adapted saftey mechanisms such as this?

 

[EverOnly358]

When I was a kid growing up in the big city, I used to walk around at all hours. When it was dark or I felt unsafe, I always had my hand in my pocket, gripping my keys, so that if anyone tried to mug me I was ready to poke their eye out. Now, I just know that I have my cell phone with me when I get into trouble.

As for clothing, I felt safest dressed as a tomboy wearing jeans and t-shirts and gym shoes. Sometimes I added sweaters and a coat on top. There were times where I dressed like the girl I was, but it always seemed to cause trouble, so I stopped doing that right away.

As for doctors, trust but verify. That goes for medication, too.

 

[franciemarnie]

I sometimes listen to certain rock songs before going out. They wake up the toughest, strongest, most powerful core of me and it changes the way I walk like magic. Strangers will never approach me then - ever! but when I am with my husband or it's a sunny warm day and I am feeling good and feel no need to toughen up when out and about, strangers approach me like flies to honey.

I also read a book by an FBI guy on body language which was pretty fascinating so now I look for signs in others. One interesting thing he said was that people think you can read a person by their face but that's the least true read. It's the feet and legs which he repeatedly connects to the fight or flight of the limbic system that gives people away. I can't remember the name of the book, but if anyone is interested in the title, I will find it tomorrow and list it.

 

[ebci1]

Trauma has definitely changed my view and reactions to people , places and situations. The way my behavior adapts to changed environments , I'm on high alert to keep myself safe. But. Sometimes my behavior isn't always helpful but I'm working on it , some days are better than others ;)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@franciemarnie,
Please name the book when you get a chance. I'm interested in reading it.

I am not big on smiling although people say I have a beautiful smile. I always thought it was my stoic poker-like face that was the deterrent. Now I'm thinking it's in the way I carry myself. How does one even get a grasp on how this affects things when you're not even aware of it? Have yourself "secretly" taped? Lol.

 

[arfie]

Ah, the youthful joys of feeling safer in a homeless camp than you feel in the company of family...

Learning how to hide out in the open was one of my own treasures from those joys. Now to bring it back from the extreme which isolates me to emotional unavailability. Adaptability is another. I am a make-do artist of the highest order. A developed skill which lends itself well to more scenarios than I can count. Now to watch th extreme of not being able to trust somebody else's idea.

I do believe I developed allot of amazing skills during my years as a throw away kid. In my own case, I reached adulthood using all those skills to childish extremes. Learning to moderate them remains a challenge as I approach my 60th birthday. Always something, huh?

 

[EverOnly358]

I hear you, @arfie. But no need to moderate... just give them up. (Easier said than done.)

I think we're all going to really like the person you are underneath it all. Take a chance.

 

[rightkindofme]

I was a street kid. I moved a lot so I never adapted to one environment. I lived all over Southern California, Northern California. Texas, and Oklahoma. I developed the ability to move through a lot of different kinds of communities.

I went to college and graduate school and I read a lot of Jane Austen novels trying to consciously change my speech. My native speech involves approximately 3 uses of "F__K" per sentence. It has been very hard to change that.

I wear old fashioned clothes these days. My skin is *covered*. I kind of look like a highly religious person, which cracks me up. Not many people spend every day in a floor length skirt any more.

I smile a lot as a defense mechanism. It makes people more inclined to be nice to me so I do it. I don't care that it is "phony". I spent years practicing in front of mirrors so I could "smile with my eyes" on command because that is the part people care about. No, I'm not forking happy. I'm just trying to get you to be forking nice to me. It took a lot of concentration to learn.

When strange men approach me these days I am moderately friendly but make it clear I have places to go and people expecting me. My not-subtle subtext is that I would be missed very soon if I don't show up and a lot of people will look for me. If men start physically approaching me I can generally swear so much that they back off really quickly.

I think I also very quickly get my fists up and ready to hit. I don't look like a passive victim. I have broken many noses and I've cracked ribs in addition to the more normal bruises and bloody lips in fights. I haven't hit anyone in... (thinking) four years? Five years? And that was consensual (bdsm). I haven't been in a non consensual fight in fifteen years. I won that one.

My husband says that my appearance is so at odds with my physical demeanor that I shock people and put them on their guard because they really don't know what to expect from me. He says it is like when a mugger tries to go after a little old lady and she pulls out a large, jagged knife and starts accurately using it. The mugger will just run because that's a *bad target* and anyone who acts like that is capable of *anything*.

I'm told frequently that despite all of the markers I have for being "nonthreatening" I am extremely intimidating and scary on my bad days.

So yeah. I'm not sure how I have adapted.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I tend to dress up like somebody who has some kind of heavy duty outdoor job... sturdy shoes, baggy pants, a big jacket. Coming across as "weathered" really helps me feel more safe. I wear a lot of baseball caps to prevent people from staring into my eyes, because they seem to always want to look me in the eye and I'm not pleased about it.

I'm told frequently that despite all of the markers I have for being "nonthreatening" I am extremely intimidating and scary on my bad days.

Same here. Mostly people assume that I am super-friendly because apparently I look like it, but when I get angry I have been told I look like a lightning cloud. I'm not sure I'd be capable of breaking people's ribs (I'm rather brittle myself) but I do also tend to use my fists once I get cornered, my ex once tried to lock me in and I'm sure the scars lasted him long time.

When I was a teen I used to look like Eminem, which was my intention completely and it also seemed to work. I grew up in Spain, where machismo is still a thing, so I cut off all my hair. They were really suprised and kind of stopped bothering me from that point onwards.

 

[maryiscontrary]

I do not disguise myself in large amounts anymore. I have, I think, started to incorporate the disguise into my personality. If needed, I will assert myself without hesitation, and look a person in the eye on the streets. I am learning to express my emotions, not matter how embarrassing they are for the other person. I am making progress of disolving shame. Not totally there yet, but I have become a damn good parent to myself.

 

[rightkindofme]

I appreciate all the mentions of reparenting I see on this site. @The Albatross mentions it a lot as well.

I'm trying to reparent. It's really wacky.

 

[franciemarnie]

@Solara - The book is What Every Body Is Saying by Joe Navarro. This not only showed me what some people might be thinking or feeling, but showed me what my own body language might be telling me about me. I hope you enjoy it too. A lot of references to the involuntary physical moves we make based on the instinctual survival part of the brain.