How Do You Feel About Your Parents?

[pandora]

My father was strong, a fighter, caring, helpful, a good friend to all....helpful to his family and all of his eight sisters, an excellent role model a good provider and protector for us.

My Mom....hhhhhmmmm....that is harder...she is also strong and a fighter, she was the perfect housewife and mother until my father died. For years she was a complete total and utter bitch that had severe fits of rage.....the reason I wrote that negative is because at the present moment in my life she is helpful, caring, she listens and offers advice and support she is trying to understand and I really think she is trying to make up for her abandonment and nastiness for multiple years.

The reason I wrote this like this is probably to show that some people can change and people react differently to all different circumstances......for this I feel fortunate right now.

 

[dedic8edmum]

I really like the whole idea of this post, and I took the challenge to heart. The "good" in my parents is certainly not easy to find. My struggle with them has been life long, and last year I made the tough decision to take them both (in their case, can't have one without the other) out of my life. However once I really started to give it some thought I was able to remember some wonderful "family" moments that really touched my heart. I also realized that they gave me some great things as well. My Mother gave me the skills ( & need) to have a very clean house, and my Dad, well watching him aided me in becoming a very mechanical and handy woman.

Even though they're not in my life and I woldn't subsribe to their parenting style I do still love them. On the same hand I don't miss them in my life, for the first time I only have the voice in my head telling me how I'm failing in life instead of them!!

Thanks for the post, for sure you forced me to search for the good!!

 

[Deleted member 541]

Tammy,

I have thought about this thread all day long and I figured I would give it a go....My parents were divorced when I was about a yr old. We (my siblings) and I were never really allowed to know my father. We saw him on occasions but were brainwashed by my mother into believing that he was CRAZY! He died 3 weeks after my daughter was born.

My mother... She is part of the reason I have PTSD. There was physical abuse, emotional and verbal abuse from my mother through out my childhood and into adulthood. It was a love/hate relationship.

There was food, we had clothing, and a roof over our heads. Sometimes there wasn't enough food or clothing, but we did ok. I'm not sure I can say positive things about her, but I know she tried. She too had a tough life, and made some poor choices as some of us do. It took me yrs to understand this, and to fully forgive her. It helped me to let go of the anger when I did this, and it also helped me to move forward in healing.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that a person condones what another has done. Forgiveness allows us to let go of the negative emotional baggage, and to heal ourselves.......

 

[2quilt]

Okay I will rewrite mine.

I had a bed to sleep in every night.
I had a roof over my head.
I have never been homeless. I have never gone hungry.
I guess my childhood experiences made me learn how to survive this illness.

 

[nic]

Tammy,

I think that it may be a bit much to ask those who have been severely abused by a parent to think of something positive to say. While slightly neglectful parents or those who have used only verbal abuse may have some redeeming qualities, I believe that there are some things and some people that are 100% unforgivable.

As for my own upbringing, my dad and step-mom have been wonderful parents. They love and care for me, and I know I can always count on them. Every positive value I have has been instilled by my father, and from the day my step-mom entered my life, she has gone above and beyond to help me develop into the person I am today. Together they have taught me how to be a kind, compassionate, honest person, and I am forever grateful for their love and support.

While my mother has her issues, and there were times when she was quite abusive, I do know that she loves me. I may not like who my mother is as a person, but I will always love her because she is my mom.

My current step-dad--bless his heart for staying with my mother for the past seven years-- is a wonderful guy. He is the type of person who will do anything for anyone, even strangers.

My previous step-father was an abusive S.O.B., and there really isn't anything good to be said of him, except that he is dead and will never be able to hurt anyone else.


All in all, I am very lucky to have my parents in my life. Things may not always be perfect, but every family has its issues. I just feel fortunate that I have people who love me.

 

[catjudo]

I may not like who my mother is as a person, but I will always love her because she is my mom.

Both of my parents have done some really unforgivable things and I don't like the people that they are, but I do LOVE them. Sometimes this causes some inner conflict for me because it's difficult to understand but I do love my mom and dad.

As bad as things were, they could have been worse and my parents do have some redeeming qualities.

• I never did without anything tangible or material...we had a nice home and no fear of losing it, there was always food on the table, we had nice clothes and my parents even bought us each a car when we became teenagers.
• Our home was always open to my friends...we lived in a small, rural community and my parents would rather me and a large group of friends hang out at our house playing pool or swimming than be hanging around town getting into trouble. My mom always made sure there were plenty of snacks and drinks around for whatever friends might decide to hang out on the weekends. My friends knew they were welcome anytime.
• My parents are very generous people. They would give you the shirt off their back if you needed it. When my dad owned his own restaurant most of the homeless people in the area knew that if they stopped by during prep but before they opened for dinner service my dad would make them a hot meal.
• I know that my dad would do absolutely anything for me. All I need to do is ask and if it is even remotely within his power he will make sure it happens.
• My mother, in her own way, has taught be to be strong and independent.

It's really difficult not to put little caveats or further explanations on those things but I'll respect that this isn't the thread for that. I don't agree with my parents motivation behind most of the things they do but they can be very good people...in their own way.

 

[becvan]

Well, with every positive attribute one applied to their parent, a negative one followed. I was hoping this could be a therapeutic tool to help everyone. IMO every human has some good in them. Obviously, some have more than others, but it's so hard for us to look past all of the negative and see the positive.

I think if everyone tries you can find at least one good quality in your parents (even if they molested you) that you can write down here. Just try please? This is hard for me ask of you to do because when I read Cyndi's post I felt like agreeing with her. So if this is to difficult then don't do it, but I think it would be beneficial for most of us.

Okay I was going to stay out of this, but well it's me. You know I just can't bite my tongue some days. First off Tammy I mean in no way this as an attack, but it is something I have observed.

You started this thread with a misleading headline about how we feel about our parents, when actually you want everyone to come up with something positive. Then it goes to a very (very subtle) gentle type of judgment. Some of us really don't have anything positive to find. Many people tried despite the fact that they had really shitty parents. They tried. Can you not see the positive in that?

I realize you are only trying to look for positives and using this as a tool. However, why are you? It sounds more to me like the negativity about most people's parents has gotten under your skin and this is your way of counter acting that effect. However using others and trying to bend their answers to fit this is not fair.

Just my two cents.

bec

 

[goingonhope]

Well, with every positive attribute one applied to their parent, a negative one followed.

Hear your point Tammy and I noticed this as well, but I must say I haven't even yet had a chance to post a positive attribute about either my mother or father. Instead, I specifically answered the question how I feel about my parents and followed it a bit with a few facts.

I was hoping this could be a therapeutic tool to help everyone.

It is, and still can be, and I was hoping this as well.

IMO every human has some good in them. Obviously, some have more than others, but it's so hard for us to look past all of the negative and see the positive.

I've looked past plenty of negatives in others in much of my life and effortlessly, while not missing nearly a single one of mine. I continue to live accepting the quote negatives in many, but I can not afford to deny certain realities and negative patterns of behavior in others for some positive thinking experiment.

Differences now are that I can accept my negative aspects as part of the human condition, and in other cases part of my afflictions, while still striving toward positive change and direction. And, I'm not so naively positive, (at the exclusion of realities) and defenseless when it comes with dealing with other people anymore.

Aspects of my trauma list, and trauma itself, would be reduced significantly if I had then an ability to see more realities (one might call them negatives, I view these as realities), when dealing with others in my adult years.

This is called positive thinking and I was hoping that we could all try it.

I too know what positive thinking is, and I imagine we'all can give this a try if one desires, but in my case I just needed more time. I chose to start with the question: How do you feel about your parents? And, then hoped to move on, ....in parts at at time.

I've been living my day today, with guess what on my mind? I've been thinking and delving, hoping to recall .........just what attributes my mother and father have or had that I can accurately write about here; There just was not enough time since my first response to sit down at the computer to address the other question of attributes, for more then minutes at a time, besides it requires hard thought and time.


O.K. now it's time and I can address the question of attributes.

Here goes:

• My mother passed onto me a love for a variety of music. Her greatest love of music was old country; I too very much enjoy this music and so many more genres and artists.

• My mother likes to read; Reading is good.

• My mother loves her brother; This is good to see as many others would belittle him and make excuses not to love him.

*There may, or may not be more, but I am still in a process of making my way through much when re-visiting this subject.

----

• When alive, my father was tall and truly strong as a bull; I view height and the proper use of physical strength as an attribute.

• In his lifetime, he returned to his childhood religious belief in Jesus and thought daily of him.

• He was capable of crying in sincerity; When I invited him to walk me down the isle at my wedding, the picture captured of him was beautiful; I imagine a mixture of multiple feelings.

• In the final wks. and days of his life with cancer, he was meek, reflective, seemed immersed in much internal truths; He was much like a sick boy and seemed to know full well too the truth about me in relationship to him. He knew I deeply loved him, forgave him, had been most merciful toward him, but could not live to forget. The ambiance which his soul created in his final days of suffering was not only a thing of his inner beauty permeating from him, along with personal confrontations and good conflict occuring within, but the ambiance was powerful, relieving and memorable. He was then fully alive again, (had come round full circle) just in time to experience a far more meaningful death then ever before.

His acceptance of me to show him what real love was and to join him by his side, in his dying days was an honor.

So though I'm not able to put these attributes of his, of that time, into specific words tonight, in all of this, I saw and experienced a handful of god given ones.

Now attributes of my step-dad, I'd have to take a break first.


Thanks for the thread Tammy.


Hope

 

[Grama-Herc]

Tammy

I take issue with your statement that no one ever says anything nice about their parents. I am always commenting about how wonderful my mom is, even if I sometimes grumble about something or other.

Now saying something nice about my dad is another matter. I have read all the comments and expressions of peoples inablility to say anything nice about a parent. I thought to myself---how could they feel this way about their mom or dad.

But when it was time for "me" to put into writing my feelings about my dad, well can't say anything nice. Sorry, I've tryed to think of something and just can't come up with "1" good quality the ass hole had.

But I have the best mom in the world and am lucky to be her daughter. While we have had our ups and downs during my teen years, my mom is a wonderful and caring lady.
She has been my emotional and spiritual rock through all my mental issues. It has been hard on her, but she has done everything she can to educate herself on my issues and is always considerate of how things might affect me.

I am very lucky that she is MY mom

 

[goingonhope]

Step-dad's attributes:

If it's my truth you want regarding my experience of my step-dad's attributes well then all I can come up with is that he was not so thick that he did not know where he stood with me.

I received, the biggest compliment ever from him once when he told my mother, "I don't know where I stand with all the rest, but I do know exactly where I stand with *****."

That statement back then, and in his last weeks alive, still makes me feel like a million bucks.

Outside of this, I really cannot think of any other attributes, unless we redefine attributes.

Hope

 

[Seychelle]

The caveat on my post was that at this stage of recovery I'm not able to come up with anything positive about my parents. It doesn't mean that I never will - but what I meant was at this point it's not helpful or healing for me to think about it like that. I had to fight through a huge amount of denial and belief that my mother was a great mother, the best ever (that was my belief up until about 5 or 6 years ago), but it's probably fairly obvious from a number of my posts on here that she most definitely wasn't a good mother.

I guess for me it's hard being pressured into saying something that I'm not able to say at this point. I could have avoided writing in this thread but once I'd opened it and read it, if I'd not replied it would have been eating away at me. It's something that I have to hide out in the real world - when colleagues or friends say how wonderful their parents are or that they're spending time with them and looking forward to it, I have to bite my tongue and go through the grieving process again but hide it. When I log on here, I'm in the mindset of being open and honest and trying to break through denial and work through the pain. To have to hide it here as well is too hard at the moment. I'm doing well to even mention my mother. A few years ago, I couldn't write or talk about her without triggering severe depression and an overwhelming fear that she was going to find me and kill me.

I can come up with arbitrary things like we went on holidays or I got gifts at birthdays and Christmas - but every memory of childhood is wrapped up with trauma for me. I haven't found anything uncontaminated yet that isn't a trigger.

I have to stay with the attribute that my mother didn't kill me and I am alive today. That is something I can celebrate.

My dad probably opened the whole can of worms for me by leaving my mother, which paved the way for most - if not all - of my traumatic experiences, but even as a teenager I could understand why he did it. She's impossible to live with. What really hurt me, though, was that he had very little contact with me until I was 18. Since then, he's been a great dad. He's met my criteria for real forgiveness:

1) He has acknowledged how his actions hurt me and expressed genuine remorse on numerous occasions and in various ways
2) He has consistently been good to me over a period of more than 20 years.

I would like that with my parents too, but it's unlikely to ever happen sadly.

 

[reallydown]

I have two awesome, loving parents and I love them both very much. Have they made some mistakes? Yeah...they're human...Are there things I won't frogive them for...not really...Do I resent the fact that sometimes my sister and I were expected to act like adults, and had lots of responsibility thrown at us at a young age (though not always)?...Yeah, I guess I do...Anyway...I guess I don't have anything really negative
to say about them.