How Do You Feel After Emotional Numbing And Avoidance?

[brightonguy]

Hi,
I'm the partner of somebody with PTSD, we don't live together but she is currently in the avoidance phase, I'm not sure if I should call it a phase as such, so apologies if that offends. I've accepted and understand why she does this, she needs to take a break from being overwhelmed by everything and I've also accepted I won't chase her, I just send her messages every now and again to let her know I am thinking about her and sometimes she will message me back too, very robotic unemotional messages but she let's me know she is there.

It starts to get really bad for her when we begin to get very very close, I think maybe the point she starts to have feelings of love and when she comes back to me it feels a little like starting over from scratch. I persevere and start over and each time it feels like we get closer than the time before but then she shuts down again.

I guess after reading all the posts on here, it wasn't clear what sufferers feel like after the numbing and avoidance. What does it feel like? Does the urge to contact the people you care about come back slowly? Is there something that initiates it? After a period of distance do you feel like you care about your partner a little less, is that what makes it easier to go back? I guess there must be mixed feelings towards the partner somebody you care about but someone who causes you all this stress and exhaustion.

Thank you very much for your replies, I've found this forum the biggest source of help. I care about this girl so much, any advice you can give would be appreciated.

 

[scout86]

You're probably going to get a lot of different answers to this, and the same person might answer differently in different situations. To begin with, in my experience "emotional numbing and avoidance" are kind of a way of life. They may be more or less noticeable, more or less a "problem", but they are always around. What most folks here refer to as "isolating" is a little different (and it's what I think you're asking about). It DOES include elements of both of those things though.

I'm not sure if I should call it a phase as such,

That would be the way I'd think of it.

What does it feel like?

Like you've been under water and are slowly coming to the surface? Like it's been a long dark night and you see the first hint of "dawn" on the horizon? Like things have been "bad" and then start to get "better", or like what seemed to be beyond dealing with might just be manageable after all? Like maybe you were wrong about stuff after all? (Again)

After a period of distance do you feel like you care about your partner a little less,

No. For me, never that. I never stop caring. There might be an element of not being able to deal with caring. Or not feeling worthy of being cared about. Or fear, because what you care about most has the most potential to hurt you.

This is not a clear cut thing. It's possibly not something you GF understands real well herself. What it is, mostly, is a response to stress and anxiety. (Some forms of stress are good, they are still stress.) It's not a "thing", it's a reaction to stuff. She may not really be clear on what she's "feeling" herself. (Emotional numbing, as I understand it, is kind of being out of touch with your "feelings".)

mixed feelings towards the partner somebody you care about but someone who causes you all this stress and exhaustion.

Personally, it doesn't occur to me to blame anyone else for "causing" me to feel any particular way. They're my feeling and my responsibility. I can see how someone MIGHT blame a partner for "making them feel..." though. IMO, no one can MAKE you feel anything.

You sound like a good guy, with good intentions, who is trying to gain underdstanding. I have a feeling (don't want to trust those things too much!) that this isn't actually the question you really want an answer to. I'm not sure what that question IS, though. Are you wondering how SHE feels about YOU during and after these episodes? That, you'd have to ask her. My experience, though, is this is more about how a person feels within and about themselves than how they feel about the people around them. It's about how they EXPERIENCE the people around them (and life in general), but that's an "inside your own head" thing too.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

I'm so sorry you have these feelings and confusion . There are so many answers but not all necessarily wil be ones that you can relate to because everyone so different In Their traumas and sufferings . When I was really bad I ended up splitting with my husband, because I'd also amongst other types of abused been financially abused ,I actually bought my husband out if our property and took on a very very high mortgage , because i was determined that he wouldn't take my house . I completely put him out of my system and learnt how survive alone. He shared full care our our 9 year old child , by the way he was not my abuser. He found it very difficult to cope with the hot and cold feelings I had , the outburst of tears but most of all my anger. I pushed him away and went into very deep and stressful treatment and therapy . Fast forward a year and half later to now , he has attended some of my sessions and has been taught strategies in how to deal with me when in triggering and going through flashbacks . I've slowly learnt to allow him in to my world and to accept his closeness on a very slow scale . There are times when I do go back into my world because it's my world and i feel safe , I like to control who I let in and who I don't . It's very very difficult being a partner of someone who has cptsd and I think lots more support is required to help partners understand . I hope it works out for you, patience, love and respect would be vital in supporting your partner . Good luck and don't give up .

 

[brightonguy]

Thank you so much Scout86.

Like you've been under water and are slowly coming to the surface? Like it's been a long dark night and you see the first hint of "dawn" on the horizon? Like things have been "bad" and then start to get "better", or like what seemed to be beyond dealing with might just be manageable after all? Like maybe you were wrong about stuff after all? (Again).

This makes perfect sense the way you've described it. I guess when the 'dawn' appears this is probably when you just start even thinking about beginning to reach out again. I guess as the partner there is this fear that the person might not actually come back but as crazy at it is I've learned to accept and live with that because that's all I can do.

You sound like a good guy, with good intentions, who is trying to gain underdstanding. I have a feeling (don't want to trust those things too much!) that this isn't actually the question you really want an answer to. I'm not sure what that question IS, though. Are you wondering how SHE feels about YOU during and after these episodes?

Thank you for your kind words, to be honest I am not sure what the question is here, I just want to understand a little bit more about what might be going through her head at that time. I guess there is no way anybody can answer how she feels about me specifically during these times, only she knows that. I guess one of the things I thought was, does the feelings she have for me go on hold or she ignores them because she can't cope with them but as you suggest that might be individual for her and not something anybody hear can answer.

I guess one of the other thoughts I also had was .. I try give her as much distance as possible at those times and I try not to send too many messages or make them overly emotional as I fear that might keep her away for longer or push her further away? I just wondered if that was the right thing to do or is there a part of you that misses that at the same time whilst not being able to cope with it.. I am already seeing the difficulties and conflicting ideas/emotions in even being able to answer this question but I asked it anyway.

Thank you!

 

[sun seeker]

I guess after reading all the posts on here, it wasn't clear what sufferers feel like after the numbing and avoidance. What does it feel like? Does the urge to contact the people you care about come back slowly? Is there something that initiates it? After a period of distance do you feel like you care about your partner a little less, is that what makes it easier to go back? I guess there must be mixed feelings towards the partner somebody you care about but someone who causes you all this stress and exhaustion.

I'll say first of all that I don't have a partner, but there are times I stop initiating contact with friends, withdraw from activities, stop returning phone calls, that kind of thing. When those times end, it isn't that there is more of an urge to contact people. It's that the ability comes back. When I withdraw it isn't because I want to be alone, in fact sometimes I am longing for company. It's that I don't want to inflict the state I am in on others. It's very, very rare to find anyone who would know how to be with me in that state, and I have ruined relationships by trying, so withdrawal can be a way of protecting the relationship in the long run. When things start to get better it's not that the urge for connection comes back, because it never left. It's that the ability to be positive enough to be around other people is back. Like getting back my energy at the end of a long bout of flu. I like @scout86's analogy of being underwater and then coming up to the surface, too. No I don't feel I care about people any differently.

Edited to add: This way of being feels so normal to me now, it's a bit startling to realize that some people aren't this way and have to ask to have it explained. We humans are adaptable creatures!

 

[Justmehere]

I guess one of the things I thought was, does the feelings she have for me go on hold or she ignores them because she can't cope with them but as you suggest that might be individual for her and not something anybody hear can answer.

For me, isolating isn't about the level care I feel for another person. Think about it like having the flu. When I am really sick with the flu, I can want to connect with someone but I just can't do it. It's not always about the feelings I feel for the other person or the movie. I can want to stay up late and see that movie with my friend, but still be too overwhelmed with flu symptoms to be able to actually do it. Sometimes I isolate because I have no more energy left after enduring all my PTSD symptoms.

There is also the other element that the level of closeness becomes it's own trigger. Sometimes trauma can make love, closeness, romance, vulnerability feel very scary. This is different than what I feel for the other person. I can really care about someone and yet not be able to handle closeness with them.

In the end, you are very wise to know that only she can say what it is like for her.

 

[brightonguy]

For me, isolating isn't about the level care I feel for another person. Think about it like having the flu. When I am really sick with the flu, I can want to connect with someone but I just can't do it. It's not always about the feelings I feel for the other person or the movie.

This hits a chord, now I remember she's even said it to me in so many words, that she wants to be close to me but she can't.. it's heart breaking for me and her to have these conflicting feelings

There is also the other element that the level of closeness becomes it's own trigger

I guess this is the element I feel like I can do nothing about but i feel like each time we go through this we get a little closer.

Thank you for your input, it's really appreciated.

 

[sun seeker]

For me, isolating isn't about the level care I feel for another person. Think about it like having the flu. When I am really sick with the flu, I can want to connect with someone but I just can't do it.

Hey @Justmehere, that was my analogy! :D Just kidding... It's amazing how much consensus there's been so far on the answers to this question.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I guess after reading all the posts on here, it wasn't clear what sufferers feel like after the numbing and avoidance. What does it feel like? Does the urge to contact the people you care about come back slowly? Is there something that initiates it? After a period of distance do you feel like you care about your partner a little less, is that what makes it easier to go back?

Shame, nothing but shame. I can't explain to anyone why I did what I did so 99.9% of the time I move on, find a new guy interest, find new friends. Nobody would ever forgive me for my episode, so its a lot easier to just move forward rather than backward. In my experience, people only give a damn if you have problems on the level of "I don't want to go to work on Monday!" Anything else is intolerable and they won't forgive you. My life is a revolving door of people.....I don't apologize for it, rather, it is what it is.

I don't really feel the urge to contact people. I have mastered the art of putting my feelings away pretty quickly because it sucks to get hurt. Don't get me wrong, I do go through a stage of pain. Rather, I find it easier and easier to move forward in shorter amounts of time. Why would I want to contact someone when they would look at me with nothing but disgust, do nothing but look down upon me? SO not worth it.

 

[Friday]

. What does it feel like?.

I'm another one who tends to equate it to the stomach flu or food poisoning... All available resources (thoughts, emotions, physical energy) are busy being violently ill in the loo. It's a remarkably similar feeling. I can know intellectually that I love someone, or "should" be doing XYZ... But all I am presently capable of doing is puking my guts out. And sleeping. Maybe, just maybe, taking a shower. Phones ringing, people at the door... Go. Away. Uuuuugh. Comes on like the flu, maybe with some warning, maybe out of the blue... And leaves like the flu... As quickly as it began, or FFS, how long has it been??? Why am I still sick???

There are also short bouts (I usually lie through my teeth and say I have a migraine). Those feel different from bigger isolation jags. Also different from migraines (I do get those). But the need is the same as accompanies a migraine; lay down, in the dark, in the quiet, and just ride it out. Will be better by morning. Handle a short bout, on the quick, and it won't turn into a long bout. Thing is... People understand migraines. That's why I lie. I need the same thing, and nobody argues or gets hurt. I strongly prefer not to lie.

There's a 3rd & 4th kind of isolating that I do. One, I only isolate from certain people. Typically those I love best, or am most nervous about maintaining some kind of respect. Honestly, because they're the only ones I care if I hurt. f*ck everyone else. I couldn't care less about them with Valium when I'm on one of these jags. I can be a ditz, or raging bitch, or sweet girl, or a danger to myself and everyone around me, and what the f*ck ever I happen to need to be in that moment, and the next, and the next. Because, quite simply, I do not care about hurting them. The irony, is that the people I love best would probably be happier if I stayed in their life was was a complete asshole to them, than if I isolate from them. But I've had that go badly, and I'm not willing to risk it, not usually. The whole "Yes, I realize you're hurt, but it's nowhere near as much as you'd be hurting if you were with me." line of reasoning. Sometimes this is completely rational (when I start losing control of my temper? People get hurt), sometimes I'm being completely irrational about it / it's all out of fear+control freak+self loathing. Problem is, I never really know whether I'm being rational or irrational about it.

4th kind is what @Solara is talking about (at least I believe so). Nuke my life. I literally get up and walk away. I leave everything and everyone behind me. Like #3, sometimes this is rational, and sometimes it's irrational... And it's damn difficult to figure out which, until after the fact. I still love everyone. I simply hate myself. Crushing shame.

The first two, are me being normal. Not normal-normal, but in a dark place with PTSD normal. I'm still making an effort to keep people in my life. It may be disjointed & gimpy, but I'm working my ass off to do it. The second two are when I've lost all trust in myself. I know what I can do, and I don't trust myself enough not to do it. So the only way I can protect the people I love is by removing myself.

. Does the urge to contact the people you care about come back slowly? Is there something that initiates it? After a period of distance do you feel like you care about your partner a little less, is that what makes it easier to go back? I guess there must be mixed feelings towards the partner somebody you care about but someone who causes you all this stress and exhaustion.
.

Urge comes & goes. 15+ years in, I've learned to both ignore the urge, when I'm only in a brief moment/eye of the storm and there's more coming, and soon, and I can feel it... And to jump on those moment. Depends on the situation, and the person.

Something that initiates it? I don't feel like 100% of my energy is going into survival mode. Like getting better from being sick, sometimes you wake up and feel fine, other times it's a slow crawl out of the crud.

Do I care about my partner a little less? Not at all. The problem , especially with newish relationships, is that these things have a momentum. Interrupt the momentum? Sigh. It takes awhile to rebuild it. Oftentimes, it kills it. The magic is gone. You can see it, feel it, and it's heartbreaking. Can it come back? Yep. Absolutely. Can & has. Doesn't always. For me (and me only, not speaking for anyone else) is that I usually have a shit ton of guilt and shame over needing space to begin with, and then chemistry-killing the momentum. When the guy sweeps me off my feet, picks up right where we left off? That's when I can catch the wave again. ((For others this can scare them right back into their shell)).

Mixed feelings towards my partner? Nope. Never. Maybe it does for some people, but it's never bled over onto anyone else for me. The only time I get pissed off about relationship stress is when I'm not in one. Even then, I don't blame the bloke. I blame the idiocy. This sucks, and I hate it, and it's f*cking nonsense, and it pisses me off. Sometimes I go so far as hating mankind (homo sapien sapien, not a gender), sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I hate PTSD. But it's not like being in labor and blaming the dad. This is my stuff. Not theirs. It's a lot more like kids are stress times a zillion, and exhaustion a zillion times that, and indescribable pain, sacrifice, fear... But you don't have mixed feelings about your kids. You simply love the snot out of them, while hating the exhaustion. You don't blame them. Even when you're so tired you're in tears, and just want one night of sleep, 5 minutes alone, earaches to be deemed illegal, god taken out and shot... It's not your kids fault. It's that kind of separation between cause & blame. Cause may be the relationship, but blame lands squarely on PTSD, not my partner.

Again, all of this is just me.

 

[brightonguy]

I'm another one who tends to equate it to the stomach flu or food poisoning... All available resources (thoughts, emotions, physical energy) are busy being violently ill in the loo. It's a remarkably similar feeling. I can know intellectually that I love someone, or "should" be doing XYZ... But all I am presently capable of doing is puking my guts out. And sleeping. Maybe, just maybe, taking a shower. Phones ringing, people at the door... Go. Away. Uuuuugh. Comes on like the flu, maybe with some warning, maybe out of the blue... And leaves like the flu... As quickly as it began, or FFS, how long has it been??? Why am I still sick???

It's really amazing to see the concensus from all of you on this, this makes so much sense. I think I had already accepted the numbing and avoidance and made peace with the fact she will disappear but this just makes it all the easier to understand and accept even more.

 

[Rumors]

It is kind of like all the circuits overload and the breakers start kicking off. I have to lay low until my mind cools off and I am able to start turning breakers back on. Most people keep extra breakers in their panel box, but mine is full so when an seemingly extra load comes on board, I tend to withdrawal because I can't handle more.
@anthony somewhere you posted an analogy about PTSD and a glass of water ??? I think you did, but if my memory serves me correctly it went something like this... People who don't have PTSD can go thru life with water being added to their glasses at times, but then it gradually subsides and your glass may even become empty as well. People WITH PTSD maintain water ALL of the time in their glass so when other things pile up the inevitable happens, the glass overflows. It is never empty. When it overflows, I tend to withdrawal because I can't handle anymore and my breakers are kicking off faster than I can turn the lights off and get relief. I maintain my job and the essentials, but there isn't room for anything extra. It sucks. When I am not working or caring for my kid, I just would like for everything else to go away.
I'm sorry you find yourself dealing with this. I imagine it is very hard. You must be an extremely secure person to not take it personally and continue going back. It isn't personal. It is survival for her. I think the most important thing you could do is acknowledge its existence and let her know that when and if she is ready to tackle that, you are there. If she isn't in therapy, perhaps she would consider it?? If she is, perhaps she would consider discussing it with her therapist. Maybe at that point she would allow you to become involved with the discussion. This has so little to do with you and more to do with the fact she can't process anything more so she has to go away. Good luck!!