How Do You Find The Words For Difficult Topics?

[Valentino]

Can you go into more detail what this 'clothes-on-fire-feeling' is like?

Is it all of the clothes you are wearing or just sections of it?

Any idea where the original fire source is coming from?

 

[Tinyflame]

Oye Valentino, I appreciate the help, but it really is ok. Only after having clothes actually 'be' on fire twice (seriously) in my life I would say a large portion & highly flammable. I don't know if you've ever had that experience, but any substantial part of clothing goes fast & even keeping one's head there's not a lot of 'thought' one has time to delve in to. It quickly becomes 'deal with it' (such as the directive: 'stop-drop-and-roll'- ideally without setting the living room carpet on fire :wideeyed: ).

I don't know, an author Ron Rolheiser used the term and it was/ is exactly an apt and accurate description, IMHO, as are other ways he describes things, like feeling 'raw' or bruised.

I think that what has helped me the most is others' kindness, +/or forgiveness. I see that as, even if I don't deserve it, it has helped me to try to accept it.

Scout86 said something today that resonates with me on the gift and helpfulness of kindness and non-judgement and taking things (beginning with things) as they are, for people or animals. Maybe one day I will 'get there' (see myself in a different light), but if not (or irregardless) each day can be helpful or self-regard destroying. I realize no one else can think for me, but everyone has their own 'stuff', I guess. I guess it becomes more a reality of 'then what?'- what to do (or albeit 'not do'), in response to the thoughts or feelings. (For example, once when on fire I sized up I couldn't get to water-it was blocked, the stop-drop-and-roll was not possible in the house or out, and I was in an extremely flammable & unfortunately high tight-necked top. It wouldn't go out smothering or flapping and I couldn't hold it away, though I tried right away, so I got myself outside to not set the house on fire & I had only 2 choices in my mind: go over my face from the front (at best scars), or burn to death- no one around, no possible way to call 911. And it didn't help I had an awful cold/ was foggy.)

So, one day or moment at a time.

 

[Tinyflame]

You did hit on something important though Valentino, my conundrum or difficulty speaking or perhaps choosing as regards some things is because being authentic I know what I feel & the struggle to choose, BS is not useful, but one can't have it both ways. I don't feel comfortable or entitled to be non-authentic & decisions have consequences. The choosing would be easy if it authentically was in line with with what I believe is 'right' vs 'bad choice', or it was without consequences or just 'approved of', as it were.

Some other things are just things I'd rather not say or reveal.

But many people have said on here, that if you don't expose the 'wound' a Dr can't help. So I figure personal responsibility and no BS is still somewhere to start. Maybe it's a one-step-at-a-time thing.

 

[Valentino]

I have had a gas furnace blow up in my face a few years ago, which singed my hair, burnt off my eye lashes, and burnt the tip of my nose. Not the same as clothes on fire, but I do recall that my nervous system was triggered and in shock after, and it took quite some time to settle down and rebuild courage to work around gas furnaces in the future.

Something about fire can trigger instinctual survival mechanisms, and since it happens so fast, the mind and nervous system don't have time to respond.

For example, once when on fire I sized up I couldn't get to water-it was blocked, the stop-drop-and-roll was not possible in the house or out, and I was in an extremely flammable & unfortunately high tight-necked top. It wouldn't go out smothering or flapping and I couldn't hold it away, though I tried right away, so I got myself outside to not set the house on fire & I had only 2 choices in my mind: go over my face from the front (at best scars), or burn to death- no one around, no possible way to call 911. And it didn't help I had an awful cold/ was foggy.

So when your clothes caught fire, was that part of your abuse history? Did someone intentionally light your clothes on fire or was it more of an accident? Was fire used a threat?

But many people have said on here, that if you don't expose the 'wound' a Dr can't help.

Maybe one of your unresolved wounds might be around the sheer terror and raw panic of having to deal with past 'clothes-on-fire' experiences. When it happened, your nervous system went into shock and you dissociated. Dissociation is a survival mechanism, but it also delays and traps the raw emotional energy in the nervous system. Which means you have consciously feel it, in order to discharge that energy out of your system. This means exposure to safe versions of fire. There might not be any other way to convince and reprogram your body and nervous system the proper risk and accurate danger level of being around fire.

 

[Tanishq]

but kind of heart.

You have strengths there. May be it is time to look at your strengths, find out other strengths as well. Then go on to work on it. How does this sound to you Junebug?

:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Did someone intentionally light your clothes on fire or was it more of an accident? Was fire used a threat?

Maybe one of your unresolved wounds might be around the sheer terror and raw panic of having to deal with past 'clothes-on-fire' experiences. When it happened, your nervous system went into shock and you dissociated. Dissociation is a survival mechanism, but it also delays and traps the raw emotional energy in the nervous system. Which means you have consciously feel it, in order to discharge that energy out of your system. This means exposure to safe versions of fire. There might not be any other way to convince and reprogram your body and nervous system the proper risk and accurate danger level of being around fire.

Hi Valentino, no oddly enough far as I recall just mostly a few accidental incidences with fire, except being threatened by others they would burn the house down. But maybe it is as you said, 'clothes on fire kind of experiences'. I too remember the shock, shaking etc immediately after, checking what was 'left', but also oddly a 'lack' of much reaction.

I am very glad you were ok! :hug: :hug:

Dear @Tanishq , yes well not sure about strengths per se but softer or gentler thoughts & realities help. I'm tired of fighting it, and would rather have a sense of peace or reconcilliation or just factual acceptance of what it is or how I am & carry on. "I surrender" comes to me mind. Thank you. :inlove: :hug:

 

[Valentino]

no oddly enough far as I recall just mostly a few accidental incidences with fire,

This sounds like a really odd child-hood environment... You got your clothes caught on fire seriously two times, in addition to other times not so seriously I assume. And all of these occurrences were purely accidental??? What do you mean when you say 'mostly', were there actual intentional assault or threats with fire?

Did your house have lots of candles, fire places, and other open fire sources all around? Or do you have a personality that was drawn to play with fire? Or were your parents or siblings fire performers or amateur arsonists?

And I would think that clothing is generally not 'that' flammable or easy to catch fire and stay burning? Did your family use some sort of unusual detergent that caused the clothes to be more flammable?

It feels like there's some important details that are being lost somewhere. Dissociation can do that with the 'selective memory' or 'dissociative amnesia' effect.

Those missing details can be part of why this traumatic wound is still stuck and effecting your current life. Covering up those past emotions with hope, encouragement and other positive feelings can temporarily ease things in the short term. But even wrapping yourself with a solid cover of inspirational huggy positive feelings; still will eventually become emotionally exhausting leading to stressful crashes, flashbacks and deeper depressions.

As John Gray coined What you Feel, You can Heal. By avoiding feeling what's actually inside your body, that's directly keeping you from healing.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh my @Valentino , I'm sorry, I wasn't clear. Just a couple of times, as a child, later I was old (say 18). The only reason they happened as a child was because they were times I was cooking etc, & say did something dumb like crawl on to the stove to reach the cupboards with elements on, I know once I was wearing a nylon shirt of my dad's, both were my dad's actually. But he was 6'3" & I was short so they were like dresses to the floor.

I do agree. I think the 'feeling' of clothes on fire is just (having to) practise emotional regulation, I was always wound up. And maybe past other things one associates that feeling with, as you said: terror, fear, not much time to react, etc.

Oh I'm with you on the 'fuzzy affirmation" stuff, but I don't think surrender for me is wrapping anything in denial. For me it is acceptance, trust, hope (dare I say). Perhaps trusting that it can be the equivalent of going in the right direction? I am somewhat less desirous of resolving all 'traumas' as I am resolving, understanding & living now with less disparity & without trying to solve it. My way doesn't work. I need to listen to other people, or other sources than my own thoughts, at least be open to it. I trust, or hope, that making steps that are hopefully in the right direction will help more than trying to strong-arm my way through. Maybe then too it will not be as overwhelming.

I think what some people can view as denial or wrapping in wool or such actually are the equivalent for me of coping (safely). I think that is an incredibly important lesson to learn, & I don't feel as badly about it. Perhaps others would see it as weakness, but for me it is neccesity.

 

[Tanishq]

softer or gentler thoughts & realities help.

Dear Junebug, just today I learned you don't have to fight for this softer and gentler thoughts. I agree with it and we are surrounded by it. I know we suffered so much abuse, so we generally expect to receive abuse from this softer, gentler thoughts. Exercise for this can help us. What do you think?

:hug: I am glad this is helping you.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @Tanishq , I think you are right. That is an astonishing thought, really! :wideeyed: Thank you. :hug: I don't believe it's a cop out.

Yes exercise is always good, I have to find a way. Again, something enjoyable is best. I wish I was closer to nature or a beach would be so amazing. In the old days I used to go once a week.

I did see a rainbow on a sunny night a couple of nights ago, & I have a bird house out my back door- they've taken flight. :) And I have a hummingbird nest in my patio little tree, the second time. Lucky I didn't get them with the hedge trimmers!!! :eek: And my dog & a bunny have hugely befriended each other. He's eating my lillies. :laugh: Well he sits at the back door, ohoh. :wideyed:

A lot of saying hard things depends on what reaction is feared. Just like you said with the thoughts. And finding words, people can help or hurt.

Hugs for you

 

[Tinyflame]

But it's also not easy to think of gentle stuff, bit of a fantasy-land really, because my sister is sick and it also makes me think of a lot of things, beyond the obvious. :(

 

[Tinyflame]

Well I don't want to put it in 'accomplishments' & they don't have a 'miracles- unspecified' section :wideeyed: , but I think I actually made a specific life-choosing decision yesterday, as it were. And I figured out things are also difficult to say when you aren't going to choose the healthier decision, or would rather not, or planning not to, or don't know 'how' to not to, or how to want to not to. Or how to manage without choosing it. Much easier to talk about when it isn't on the option list. I don't want to speak too soon but only because I don't want to tempt fate, 'never-say-never'. But as far as I can I will say 'no'. For bigger reasons than myself but that do make sense. (Throwing in a healthy amount of trust).

And also it's hard to say things when you know you are a disappointment, I mean when I just don't 'get it', or I haven't got unequivocally-don't-have-to-think-of-this-be-affected-affect-others kind of 'better'. Because I could see when I had no help, but now I have oodles of help, more than 10 people together could deserve. :(

But I think that might be a little bit what they mean about 'healthier breakdowns', in that you (I) somehow came to a conclusion of sorts that it was safe enough or I 'deserved' it enough to actually look at all this stuff or 'feel' it. And I also realize I haven't felt it was progress because I didn't feel like I should be feeling it or telling anyone anything or falling apart in the first place.

And I saw kids yesterday my age (grade) when this stuff 'sprouted'. They were not 'children', just as I thought of myself,. But it was very young to be dealing with ptsd, hard for adults to even deal with it, or the stuff that occurred before it. Amazing I actually kept as many 'marbles' as I did! :wideeyed: :confused:

Plus I have realized within myself more what I need to heal, or what's important to me, more than I realized I knew.

I feel better, more aware of others, more accountable, not less fearful but more trust, more that ptsd has a 'place' (chronic, needn't be overwhelming), more grateful, more trusting, less freaked out, less compelled to find a way out. More 'me'. :barefoot: :) :inlove:

Hugs for all, :hug: .:inlove: