I can't keep doing this - How do you find the strength to hold on?

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm on a deadline and my life is falling apart.

Things are really dark today and functioning is questionable.
There's no time for this but it's worse every day.
Hope is abstract.

How do I keep going knowing I'm already behind, things will be different than planned, when there was no margin for error?
It feels like every minute forward is killing me. Wrong choice of words. I just don't know how to be okay with being me right now.
I just want to slip away from everything, just not be anything, anyone, just for a bit. And that's a luxury for those who are not drowning (metaphorically).

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Depression is a funny thing. I've overcome so much.

Yet I feel like I'll break over 30euros, 50 euros, few days. There is so much to do yet I'm reduced to asking myself the question how do I get through tonight?
And how do I manage the fallout.

I need to be 150% me, take big chances and it feels so impossible.
All I'm managing is baby steps and it's not enough. How do I get back to me?

 

[Tinyflame]

@SeekingAfrica if this doesn't help please ignore. Just mentioning it as a person who has been through that so many times, whether it be situational, financial, a crisis beyond imagining, or even facing the impossible. And trying not to throw in the towel.

How do I keep going knowing I'm already behind, things will be different than planned, when there was no margin for error?

^^ Don't think about it, just do. One. Step. At. A. Time. Preplanned. In the case of what you've described look at a way to bring in $, not put $ out, except where necessary to bring more in. I know the AI said in the other thread (because I read it feeling the same) to focus on activities to down regulate (painting etc). That is perhaps ideal. But don't forget 1st the basics: sleep and eat (use a food bank if you need to). Stick with those who understand. Put blinders on as much as possible.

As to, "I just don't know how to be ok with me being me right now, I just want to slip away",
I am never ok with being me, but times like these don't focus on that, just the need/ goal. Think of how happy and relieved you will be when your work is done. Don't try to focus on the worry or will it be enough.

I know it doesn't feel like it but you have overcome a lot.

I recall one of my sisters (she has died now) hugely stressed by an as*hole young Boss. she ended up saying to her bullying and grief, something along the lines of "Lady, after having survived Cancer 3 times, the stress you're causing me means nothing, and life is about enjoying and cherishing each day", and she quit. The woman was fired, they asked my sister to come back. She told them forget it.

This will pass and you will look back and know not only did you make it, but you are a person who will understand others with a wisdom and living experience far beyond your years. And will appreciate your abilities and other people more.

I am pulling for you.

 

[Friday]

I need to be 150% me, take big chances and it feels so impossible.
All I'm managing is baby steps and it's not enough. How do I get back to me?

Pretending I’m a spy helps.

No lie, and not being flippant one bit.

By removing “me” from the equation, when things get hard/emotional/personal? It untangles the clusterf*ck of identity and situation and action. Which suddenly frees me up to BE me, again.

It’s very backwards, I know.

But it doesn’t matter whether I’m writing a paper for school, or working in a warehouse, or clicking my heels through halls of power, or ghosting through the ghetto. If, in my head… I’m bodyguarding another student, or learning the rhythms of a warehouse for the resistance, or casing a building, or planning an exfil route, or whatever? I end up with A+ papers finished early, (etc.) with zeeeeeewwro fuss/ stress/ anxiety/ heartbreak/ catastrophizing … because I left my ego at the door. It, whatever it is, is something I’m doing, instead of who I am.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

^^ Don't think about it, just do. One. Step. At. A. Time.

That's what I'm doing now, so, half a step forward? Yesterday I was very hopeless, so took sleep meds and slept it off. And today I'm working- break- working- break. Not thinking or tracking time, not trying to figure out how much I can do today. Just doing the deadline piece by piece. Pretending that I'm not late on it. Just one task at a time.

Preplanned.

Wish I had done that. I mean beyond the work for this deadline in particular. At some point I had everything planned out about looking for jobs and having a blog and an online store. But that was before the trip, before the almost-eviction, at some point a month ago. Feels like ages ago. Anything that isn't this exact deadline needs to be planned again (more realistically to my current state) and I'm not sure I'm at a state of being able to plan.

Think of how happy and relieved you will be when your work is done.

That's the issue, since I'm already late for sure, I will be scared, not relieved. That also means when I get paid (whether it's early of juuuuust on time) I will be in need of time off/days off as it happens after a taxing period. And I can't do that.

I am pulling for you.

Thank you, much MUCH needed

It, whatever it is, is something I’m doing, instead of who I am.

Doing that today. Freed my day tomorrow too. Hope is somehow I will complete all by end of weekend. But in actuality, today so far I am putting that in a box as someone said. I'm just working on the part of the project I'm working on. No future, no past, no guilt, and for a bit at least- no planning. Just working on that one project. Just doing it. Nothing else.
Works so far. Wish I knew that before, but setting that thought and all others aside from now. Not thinking, doing.

 

[emily1890]

good luck to you.

as for me, I used to think (when I was younger), that I had it all planned out and knew how my life would turn out

of course, it was nothing like I expected (being told I couldn't work was the main reason I couldn't continue with what I'd hoped for)

I still don't know what comes next

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I was doing so well until now I had to update the client and confirm I won't be done today.
The word deadline gives me hives now, I'm scared I won't be paid for being late although that had never happened though there have been big delays.

STILL, very SCARED.
I need to be okay to get a hang on my finances and I'm not okay.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

of course, it was nothing like I expected

I'm fine with a lot of the surprises (people in my life, country I didn't plan living in, friendships, dancing, none was the plan).
What I'm not okay with is how I was supposed to get out of the poverty I was born in, and then BAM- PTSD and debt and periods of inability to work and a circle of new and old jobs and I'm basically in crisis for a few years on and off and on and off...

It's like I'm either having good work and health months, or bad ones. I'm in some sort of cycle of almost getting well but just as I start to be okay something happening and it's like perpetually being in a house on fire, you have to be ready for crisis all the time. It hurts to breathe, constantly.

 

[Manuka Lover]

Depression is a funny thing. I've overcome so much.

Yet I feel like I'll break over 30euros, 50 euros, few days. There is so much to do yet I'm reduced to asking myself the question how do I get through tonight?
And how do I manage the fallout.

I need to be 150% me, take big chances and it feels so impossible.
All I'm managing is baby steps and it's not enough. How do I get back to me?

Good question which I'd like to know answer too as well.

 

[caroline_13]

@SeekingAfrica if this doesn't help please ignore. Just mentioning it as a person who has been through that so many times, whether it be situational, financial, a crisis beyond imagining, or even facing the impossible. And trying not to throw in the towel.

^^ Don't think about it, just do. One. Step. At. A. Time. Preplanned. In the case of what you've described look at a way to bring in $, not put $ out, except where necessary to bring more in. I know the AI said in the other thread (because I read it feeling the same) to focus on activities to down regulate (painting etc). That is perhaps ideal. But don't forget 1st the basics: sleep and eat (use a food bank if you need to). Stick with those who understand. Put blinders on as much as possible.

As to, "I just don't know how to be ok with me being me right now, I just want to slip away",
I am never ok with being me, but times like these don't focus on that, just the need/ goal. Think of how happy and relieved you will be when your work is done. Don't try to focus on the worry or will it be enough.

I know it doesn't feel like it but you have overcome a lot.

I recall one of my sisters (she has died now) hugely stressed by an as*hole young Boss. she ended up saying to her bullying and grief, something along the lines of "Lady, after having survived Cancer 3 times, the stress you're causing me means nothing, and life is about enjoying and cherishing each day", and she quit. The woman was fired, they asked my sister to come back. She told them forget it.

This will pass and you will look back and know not only did you make it, but you are a person who will understand others with a wisdom and living experience far beyond your years. And will appreciate your abilities and other people more.

I am pulling for you.

We are all pulling for you.

 

[caroline_13]

I was doing so well until now I had to update the client and confirm I won't be done today.
The word deadline gives me hives now, I'm scared I won't be paid for being late although that had never happened though there have been big delays.

STILL, very SCARED.
I need to be okay to get a hang on my finances and I'm not okay.

I am in a similar situation . . .

Just keep moving forward.

 

[Tinyflame]

Pulling for you too @caroline_13 , and @SeekingAfrica . @SeekingAfrica you can only do your best. Hugs to you both.