Sufferer Trying To Understand How I Could Be Fine For My Whole Life And Now I Can't Keep It Together...

[annemariec78]

Stand your ground and take care of yourself.

This is exactly what I need to do..and I've been trying to little by little.

I always think that my fiance is starting to understand - but it seems he only understands when I'm doing okay. But when I'm having a meltdown or something instantly bothers me - it's like he forgets..then we start to argue because he says something so mean. He instantly gets annoyed and assumes it's because of something I think he did. Then he's mad and he will not listen to whatever I am trying to say.

This past weekend I was getting my girls ready for a cheer comp - hair and makeup. My younger daughter has (unfortunately) become a major trigger for me..constantly mad at me because she doesn't think I did her hair right or this or that..it seems the worse I get - the more she does this.

Well when I fall apart - I take it out on myself..he was mad that I was yelling about how she was treating me - so he started yelling...which in turn I decided I needed to take it out on myself even more..so he starts shouting "why don't you take care of your kids instead of sitting up there and (harming) yourself"..ugh. Then he said "you should be able to handle your life..my mom was raped by her dad and she doesn't act like this". I try to keep to myself in my room so my children don't have to hear what's going on - I know they have an idea..but I still try..but then he totally just exposes it all.

His next response to our arguments is to always ask me why I'm even here...why don't I go call my mom and go live w/ her...(she is my abuser). He's told me at least his parents love him. Then he told me on the way to their cheer comp that he wanted me and girls out by friday...so I was sick of him saying this and was not going to argue any more. I took off my rings. This made him even madder..so he moved all my money from my savings to his acct. I logged on to try to move it to another acct. I have just to be safe and saw what he did. Then he apologized and put it back. This instantly made me feel very unsafe..like when I was a child...horrible feeling.

His first reaction to most things is say something overly dramatic...which lately instantly makes me feel awful..so I become quiet when that happens - and he gets mad at me...then when I finally tell him what made me feel that way - he tells me today that I overly look into things.. It's like I know this - what does reminding me solve?

Sorry for the rant.... ((Hugs)))

 

[soulofLC]

(((((Anniemariec)))) You don't have anything to apologize for. That is very triggering stuff you are going though. I am so sorry your husband is upsetting you in this way.

Does he understand that not everyone who is exposed to trauma gets PTSD? For genetic or whatever reasons, some get PTSD, some don't.

Is he willing to learn about your condition? There is a section on this site for recommended books. Some are exclusively for supporters/spouses of those with PTSD.

Big (((((HUGS))))

 

[annemariec78]

soulofLC - I don't think he understands that not everyone exposed to trauma gets PTSD...He seems interested in learning about my condition but then when it comes time to apply the info - he forgets everything and gets mad at me. Then apologizes later and said he will do this and that next time..it's a bad cycle. He takes everything as a shot at him..turns any situation into about him..so I've noticed.

Thank you soulofLC - more (((Hugs))) to you too!

 

[dream]

Just wanted to say that I could have wrote your post myself. I still can't understand how I managed to hold everything together for 30 years. Have 1 incident happen at work and I just fell apart and everything came back, horrible memories, flashbacks and on the verge of crying all the time. Hope things have got easier for you now.

 

[SimplyComplex]

I am really sorry. I am 33 also (an adoptive mom actually) and I was abused badly by my mother and father growing up. I went into therapy for a seemingly mild issue and ended up on a wild journey of trauma therapy, PTSD, dissociative disorder, meds (although they are helpful). I can say "life was fine before therapy" but that is a big lie. I was really good at covering it up. I ended up in therapy because my cover up methods were losing effectiveness. I just looked like I had it together, and I was really deep in denial.

It is amazing to me that 2 years ago I had 100 balls in the air and was actually told at least once a week I was someone's inspiration (for a variety of super human feats I was throwing all my energy into) and now I cant seem to keep more then 2 balls in the air at a time. It sucks. But I believe in this process. I believe that I was in denial, and that I am actually getting healthier as it is getting harder.

I hope what ever you find, things get better for you.

 

[SimplyComplex]

Oh and also to add, as I began to get healthier, my husband realized he has issues and he didn't want me to outgrow him. He ended up in therapy about a year after I did...and also has PTSD and likely a DD too. He is working hard now too

 

[annemariec78]

Dream - it's nice to hear when others can relate to our situations...but at the same time I'm very sorry for what happened to you. Unfortunately I'm only beginning to realize all that's going on and why...and it seems to be hitting me with full force. I hope that things are getting better for you.

SimplyComplex - I'm sorry for what happened to you. What you wrote - is how I feel exactly...
My spouse has a hard time understanding how I could have been fine all this time - and now I can't keep myself together. I don't even understand myself. I'm tired of having to research stuff for him to read to understand and "validate" myself to him..when we just keep going back to square one. I'm happy to hear that you are getting healthier..and that your husband is getting the treatment he needs as well.

 

[RunningWithScissors]

I feel the same. Like all of a sudden, my world imploded ...

 

[annemariec78]

RunningWithScissors - I couldn't have said it better myself. (((Hugs)))