I only feel anger and pity and want revenge for the abuse and many, many betrayals and abuses upon me and my siblings. I think for me it's easy to stay angry and wanting distance due to having to save younger siblings from them.
I have no idea if that's a thing, but so far, I have noticed a pattern that when the oldest child in a very abusive family has to protect the younger kids their whole life, they "were" a parent from a very young age. So there was always an identity as an independent "adult" from a young age, which maybe helps to not "miss" parents, since they were not that. Also, the deep desire to make the self and the siblings safe from the parents out of duty/protectiveness leads me to have always wanted to get away.
The only thing I wanted was approval from the parents. I found that "missing" them feeling was a search for adult approval.
One day in my teens, it dawned on me that I would never get their approval and also didn't want it. Since that day, I began to develop my own ideas about what a good person is and to strive to be that without their influence. I didn't "rebel" but I went my own way more and more. Often against their wishes. I didn't make a fight, but calmly informed them that I had my own plans that didn't involve them. (They were highly controlling and abusive. I see our family as a type of cult; they were drawn into cult-like churches, and they lead these for short stints.) So leaving them is more like leaving a cult in some ways than "parents."
From what I can tell, they were not parents in the normal sense, so I don't have "parents" to miss. That is my current way of making sense of why I don't miss them, in addition to being in touch with my outrage and anger at their abuses. Sometimes, I pity them for being assholes. Since I don't know if they wanted to be assholes. But it passes quickly and I usually feel contempt, disgust, or anger toward them. I felt a LOT of fear of them all the time, as a child, so that huge fear was the seeds of a ton of anger that is like a giant sequoia now.
