How Do You Get Over What You Can't Remember?

[Angi]

I had my first partial flashback in 2000. I realize I dissociate a lot. I still in all this time barely have very clear flashbacks. I know many of you may think well that's good...but I haven't been able to try to let the abuse go because things just creep up on me. I simply don't know how I will ever really heal if I can't figure out 100% if my abuser was my father as I'm 99% sure, about how old I was, and how far it went. It's been so many years and I know I may never remember. :/

 

[arfie]

I achieved adulthood with zero childhood memory and refused to see it as any less than a blessing until I was well into repeating the family cycle with my own kids. I am not among those who envy you the ability to forget.

You are aware and allowing yourself to process the awareness. Give it time. There is an awful lot we don't get to know until we work the process. Be patient.

 

[Angi]

Thank you so much :)

 

[Leah123]

I struggle with this too, but wanted to share that we must remember, all memory is imperfect, incomplete, often inaccessible. This is true of many memories- early childhood ones, old ones, traumatic and non-traumatic ones. Yes, PTSD effects memory, but... working with what I have while knowing that there is no such thing as complete, perfect recall has been very helpful. My life continues with or without more details of the impressions of abuse I have, and I find I have enough to work on without going on a memory witchhunt. I did that when I was a teenager and I have learned since that it's so easy for our minds to shift memory over time, for memories to fade, for false blanks to be filled in, for things to run together, etc. that I try to leave my memory alone- just accept what I have and honor it, and to always keep in mind how much very more I am than those memories. I try to keep the present compelling- find meaning, do things I love, etc. and it helps a great deal, though it's difficult at times.

 

[Angi]

Thanks hun. Yeah I keep trying to do that *sighs* I just keep falling back into this mindset though. I really need to stop.

 

[The Albatross]

Like Leah, I deal with what is, what I remember and don't particularly bother with what I don't. I did learn that some of my childhood perceptions were wrong so for me her post about false blanks to be filled in rings true. I too try to keep the present compelling... if things break out (memories) I try to stay present focused and allow the memory and evaluate it against what I already know. Then set it aside. I have pretty much accepted that there will be gaps and things lost. It is neither a good or bad thing, it just is. I'm okay with that.

Getting over what you don't remember? That for me is a choice. At some point I had to decide to leave it up to living my life on life's terms as to whether or not things come through. I think I can deal with it if/when it does. In my participation here these last couple of years plus... some things have come through. I negotiated them with the tools I had... I've got enough experience with this now to perhaps avoid many of the pitfalls.

 

[Angi]

Thank you hun. :)

 

[roseann]

So important to find the present in our lives. However, is it important to define what is holding us back? There are things I remember but I don't remember. (Does that make any sense???) I mean, I can see something that has happened to me but am unable to process it as if it were me that experienced it.

For example, when I first realized I was raped and sodomized as an 8 year old, I had already known that but I didn't REALIZE it until I was 18. There are still things I am REALIZING to this day, and I feel paralyzed at times by the revelations.

I feel those and other things are holding me back, keeping me from fulfilling my life, keeping me from having whole relationships... Is it important to reconcile those things?

 

[Angi]

Exactly. I at least wish I was beyond question sure it was my father or not. And yes you made sense. I used to give my Barbie the problems I later realized were actually my problems. Idk. Sighs. I just don't know anymore.

 

[roseann]

So strange, the barbie thing! My friend and I used to act out insane scenarios with barbie and ken that should have raised the eyebrows of any one within earshot!

 

[Angi]

Lol yeah I know what you mean.

 

[roseann]

It is like puzzle pieces that won't fit.... I was accused by the mother of someone I knew in high school of being the cause of his incarceration in the psych ward of our local hospital. Apparently it was my fault. I remember this teen raping me. I think I told people about it. I don't remember what happened from there. Was it related? Was it my fault? Should I feel guilty for that?

I was put in therapy as a teen by my parents. I don't remember what precipitated it, though I was suicidal at the time. I remember only one meeting with the man, and clearly remember him tapping the eraser of his pencil on his desk for what seemed like an eternity. I don't remember either of us speaking at all. I don't remember ever seeing him again, thinking it must have been a bust. I do remember my mom refusing to give me the prescription for anti-depressants that he prescribed: She didn't believe in pills.

My mother informed that I was going to therapy with this guy twice a week for more than six months. Not one memory of those occasions. What happened? What did I reveal? Who was I? Do I need to know?

These things are the tip of an iceberg. And it is VERY cold down there.