How do you get rid of bad coping mechanisms?

[MyWillow]

@berlinda where TS yoga is really good is that it focuses on choice, meeting your body where it is right now and “no right or wrong”. I’d be in tears because I couldn’t do a movement because of my shoulder and hand pain/immobility. Now I’m much more accepting and less judgemental. It’s a long haul but worth it.

 

[Teasel]

She sounds like a real gem @MyWillow ♡ I think I could go for a Yoda for a T :D

Ooh just remembered am on a waiting list for equine therapy too, really want to try that.

Have been learning a little bit in my PTSD group about all if this, got a long way to go I think but hey, that's fine.

The other thing she teaches me is to listen to my body, be kind to it, grateful for it for surviving for so long, reassure it that I’m safe now. Frustration, talk of “ridiculous” or “overreacting” is strongly discouraged.

Love this. Kind of relearning how to treat yourself, how you talk to yourself and what you think of yourself.

So vaguely is kind of reparenting yourself?

 

[MyWillow]

I think so. But I like the way she phrases it. Less confronting for a logical left brain perfectionist lol She also encourages me to wrap my arms around myself, stroke my arms like I would my cats and dogs. It’s really helpful after dissociation, flashback, nightmare, panic attack. Any time I feel unsafe.

Equine T is good because you can make what you will of it. Can be about trust, relationships, CBT, self-reflection, grieving, processing...if I’m grooming or with a horse I’m much less likely to dissociate or experience a flashback. This week we focussed on a little processing of where I was at but mostly regulation. There was more air in my lungs than I’ve had in a long time.

 

[Hopefulphoenix]

@berlinda February. Thats when im getting one. Isolation sucks. But I have beaten it before, so can again, little by little. This forum helps alot though.

 

[Teasel]

Actually my T says the same about wrapping your arms round yourself. I imagine they are both really good supports for you @MyWillow so I suppose having good support is important too.

I'm hoping the equine T can sort of help in how I come across to others energetically if that makes sense - help me present more calm assertively rather than shame / fawn / victim kind of thing.

Doesn't it just @Hopefulphoenix ?? Glad you've got one lined up. It is quite a task to come out of isolating but I agree doable :hug:

This is probably the most isolated I've been since childhood!

 

[Rani G2]

So I still have bad coping techniques,

Adapting yourself to an extremely stressful/challenging situation requires coping mechanisms that are selfdestructive but it still can be seen as a striving to move forward/avoid threats/ Doing everything possible to avoid collapsing. That doesn’t mean one has to keep on using these maladaptive strategies.. but trying to see it as survival rather than labelizing „bad“. You combat strain, you Do what you can Do. I feel this quote makes sense:

Sometimes people do things which conduce to their perseverance and other times people do things which fail to so conduce. In both types of case, though, people desire to persevere. When I do something that fails to help me to persevere, it’s because the ideas on which I based my action were confused; that is, I thought I knew what would help me to persevere, but I was wrong. When I do something that does help me to persevere, though (unless I have simply been lucky in acting from an inadequate idea), it is because I acted on clear and distinct ideas or, in other words, genuine knowledge about what would help me to persevere.

Spinoza

I realise learning new, better coping techniques is part of it?

„The getting rid of“ has always a specific social context as well. For me: Being safe /Support/ Taking that support/ socializing etc. Its Yoga and Ego State therapy which has helped me most.
Still working and repairing.

I am sorry you are feeling so isolated Dear Berlinda. Reading you.

 

[Teasel]

Adapting yourself to an extremely stressful/challenging situation requires coping mechanisms that are selfdestructive but it still can be seen as a striving to move forward/avoid threats/ Doing everything possible to avoid collapsing.

Yes I think I've made at least some peace with the fact the bad coping techniques come from a place of doing the best I could to survive in a bad situation. At least some of the time if you know what I mean ;-)

The getting rid of“ has always a specific social context as well. For me: Being safe /Support/ Taking that support/ socializing etc. Its Yoga and Ego State therapy which has helped me most.
Still working and repairing.

So it's kind of like self care is really important part of it, not being so isolated.

I am sorry you are feeling so isolated Dear Berlinda. Reading you.

Thanks @PURUSHA much appreciated :)

 

[Sideways]

Self care is huge and absolutely something to aim for.

But for me, the level of distress and self-loathing going on, and desperate need for an emotional release valve in the moment? Completely over-rided my brain’s ability to interrupt with “how about we do some self-care instead”. It’s going to come down to what your experience is, what’s motivating you in the moment, whether this coping strategy has simply become habitual, and what benefits you get out of it.

I was able to finally start making meaningful changes when it sunk in, on a really visceral level, that my unhealthy coping strategies were actually reinforcing all of the negative self-concept stuff I was working so hard to overcome. Finding that motivation, and then really committing to change (“I am going to stop making myself sicker”) was the pivot point for me.

 

[Teasel]

But for me, the level of distress and self-loathing going on, and desperate need for an emotional release valve in the moment? Completely over-rided my brain’s ability to interrupt with “how about we do some self-care instead”.

Massively things bells for me this. Yes, the worst of the bad coping techniques pretty much only come out in times of intense distress. And yes, in that moment, the puny little self care muscle sint up to the job.

I guess in that way, practising hoid cooing mechanisms regularly including when am fine is a help kind of getting good habits into muscle memory?

I was able to finally start making meaningful changes when it sunk in, on a really visceral level, that my unhealthy coping strategies were actually reinforcing all of the negative self-concept stuff I was working so hard to overcome. Finding that motivation, and then really committing to change (“I am going to stop making myself sicker”) was the pivot point for me.

This is something I think I'm only just beginning to get on a visceral level. You know when you're learning some new way of being it's not like a switch over night, rather intermittent fits and bursts.

I am sometimes finding myself keener to make the changes needed than I remember being before.

A case of watering that seedling or something.

Though I suppose I've been keen to improve things for a hell of a long time.

Thanks :-)

 

[Sideways]

I am sometimes finding myself keener to make the changes needed than I remember being before.

My hunch is that it’s not just about being more willing. I think sometimes it’s about the amount of work that has gone before, getting to know ourselves.

On Day 1 of our therapy, our T could have told us “This behaviour is maladaptive and your life would be better if you did this other behaviour instead...”. It’s not that at the time we were necessarily sitting there thinking “Yeah, but I really like bejng miserable and having a shitty life...”, you know?

There’s been a whole lot of growth that has happened, and a whole lot of insight gained, to get to the point where we really get what’s going on inside ourselves, what it’s doing for/against us, why we’re doing it, etc.

Getting all that knowledge together has taken you a whole lot of work. So don’t sell yourself short - if you find that you’re feeling more ready to embrace self compassionate behaviours instead of what you’ve been doing for years? You’ve done a whole lot of hard, painful work to be able to get to that headspace. So, give yourself a high five, and keep going forward:)

 

[Teasel]

Thanks @Sideways :)

 

[MyWillow]

@berlinda the other thing my psydoc is big on is reflect and review. Without judgement. So my homework is rest, no expectations and safety. I’m taking leave from work. When I do too much and keep pushing myself there is a strong risk that I’ll then get frustrated with myself for not following the “rest” and “no expectations” part. But she encourages me to just reflect “OK so maybe getting xyz done wasn’t urgent and I felt totally exhausted and teary and irritable afterwards. Maybe today I will sit down and drink my cup of tea quietly and think about what my body feels like doing. It might be a walk or gardening or cleaning or dog training but take the time to check in and see if curling up on the lounge feels useful too.”

Same applies to any unhealthy coping mechanism...