How do you manage disrespect from your relationships?

[Suzetig]

you cannot know what's appropriate and what's not.

Of course it’s possible to know what is and isn’t appropriate - those views might be skewed by your early experiences but assuming you’re an adult you can choose for yourself what is appropriate and what isn’t in terms of how you treat others and how you let them treat you. You may have work to do in overcoming beliefs about what you do and don’t deserve from others but you can know what’s ok and what isn’t.

 

[Friday]

m but you grew up in an environment where these did not exist you cannot know what's appropriate and what's not.

Again, it’s called learning.

Growing up in abuse doesn’t make you stupid or incapable of learning.

You already know there are other options out there. That’s pretty much step one of learning. Learning that different things exist. You know they exist. So now you have a decision to make. Continue as you are, or learn to do things differently. Either way, that’s your decision.

 

[foreveralone2099]

^this is obvious, but unless you've been in a healthy relationship with decent boundaries you're just doing trial and error. i'm not saying it's impossible to learn but you'll waste a lot of time in the meantime.

 

[Deleted member 541]

OMG!!!!!!! ^^^^^^^. You want instant recovery????? You don’t want to put in the work?!?!?!?

 

[Friday]

unless you've been in a healthy relationship with decent boundaries you're just doing trial and error

Actually... that’s everyone.

It doesn’t matter how good of an example someone has had set for them, they still have to learn to do that for themselves. Which means making mistakes and learning from them. Trying out different ways of doing things. Succeeding at some, failing at others, liking some, disliking others, finding their own way. Whether you come from abuse or come from a golden childhood, everyone has to learn how to live life for themselves, by doing it, themselves. And it’s ALL trial and error. There’s no shortcut. Everyone has to do it.

 

[foreveralone2099]

yes but the reason people with good parenting fare better in life is they had a good model.

they still had to be able to learn but they didn't have to figure it out all on their own.

 

[Justmehere]

You are right that having terrible parents does put one at a disadvantage, but that doesn’t make it impossible to grow and build a good life.

You also don’t have to figure it all out on your own. There are many resources and folks that can help.

 

[Gs172003]

Do you actually want answers or are you here to argue? You have yet to do anything besides disregard anything said to you. What is your goal with this post?

 

[Neverthesame]

unless you've been in a healthy relationship with decent boundaries you're just doing trial and error.

Everyone had to go on a first date. Relationships are trial and error. Trial and error is a very effective teacher.

Life is a trial. Doing nothing to better it is an error.

i'm not saying it's impossible to learn but you'll waste a lot of time in the meantime.

Actually, so far "It's impossible" has been your response to everything, but ok, sure.

You know what is a bigger waste of time than not succeeding at something you try?
Sitting there doing nothing wasting time.

good parenting fare better in life is they had a good model.

Life isn't fair. Some people just have it harder and it sucks.
Since you can't change what was, start shaping what will be.
Doing nothing and making excuses is shaping your future to be just as miserable as your past.
Start learning how to be healthy of mind and your future can start shaping into something positive.

 

[foreveralone2099]

You also don’t have to figure it all out on your own. There are many resources and folks that can help.

what would those be in your opinion?

 

[Deleted member 8714]

How did you learn self-respect and when did you start confronting people who treated you with less than that?

Through many different avenues. I had a great therapist and he recommended an excellent book called Boundaries by Harry Cloud and John Townsend. My husband was a harder nut to crack as well because he has a personality disorder. It makes him a little more stubborn than the average Joe, and yet I cracked through his hard outer shell and demanded respect. This was of course after gaining respect for myself.

I just went through one of these problems in the last week. It upset my apple cart to the max; ramping up my PTSD big time. I'm starting to come down the other side of that slippery slope.

Sometimes my husband sticks his foot in his mouth and wears it around for awhile. I've got to know when to confront and when to brush it off. The Boundaries book helped and my T helped with the rest. Then I just had to practice confronting.

First, I start with respecting myself.

Yes!!!

Not impossible. A skill to be learned & practiced.

Practice makes better and better and better as evidenced in my marriage.

You may have work to do in overcoming beliefs about what you do and don’t deserve from others but you can know what’s ok and what isn’t.

Definitely! This was absolutely true for me. It took a lot of hard work.

In the beginning of my confrontations with my husband I constantly had to confront him, setting a strong boundary of what I would and would not tolerate.

^this is obvious, but unless you've been in a healthy relationship with decent boundaries you're just doing trial and error. i'm not saying it's impossible to learn but you'll waste a lot of time in the meantime.

I don't consider any time I've spent confronting my husband as wasting time. It built our relationship. It strengthened me. It gave me confidence.

There was no trial and error with my husband and I. I just started confronting him on anything I found disrespectful. The odd thing was that he didn't realize how he was coming across until I parroted what he said back to him. Then he realized that what he had said didn't sound that great. And slowly he changed. Oh yeah, there's foot-in-mouth disease occurrences here and there. We had one this week.

One thing which works well in our relationship, not always going to work in others though, is that I try to get my husband to see what it's like wearing the shoe he attempted to force onto my foot. I go about this through saying it directly to him, "How would you like if I said 'blah, blah, blah' to you? How would that feel to you?" For some reason, this approach works well with my husband. I'm not certain why as two different Ts said it's not usually how men respond. Maybe it's because both of us are empaths? That could have a lot to do with our style of communication. And it's maybe why our style of communication is volatile at times and yet it works.

 

[shimmerz]

what would those be in your opinion?

Know your rights as a person. Most of us who were abused have no idea we even have rights. Or what they look or feel like. Or where even to begin. This is a good link that will allow you to see if your actions fit the bill for someone who is living as if they have rights.
WRAP Personal Bill of Rights | MentalHealthRecovery

Oh, and another thing that I generally add onto any bill of rights if I am teaching is to add onto the end of each point 'I have the right to be _______, and so do you'. Because you can't learn about your rights until you recognize that in order to have a good relationship with anyone both parties should be adhering to a functional bill of rights, which, in order to work, is always bi-directional and is applied to every person in one's circle (including vicariously).