How do you manage self rejection

[Chiqui]

I have been fighting for years with this. I am desperate for others' acceptance because my own self rejection. This need makes me so vulnerable and powerless...
How do you deal with this, if It is your case too? Thank you.

 

[The Albatross]

I cracked the lid with Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT, Dr. Albert Ellis stuff). Unconditional self acceptance is even part of the title of my diary.
Just a quick grab: Unconditional Self-Acceptance | Center for Conscious Living | Ashland, OR (916) 936-2325

This is a good run down and I was a member of SMART for earlier recovery years which is where I became interested and learned how to use REBIT self techniques: Link Removed

Dug this one up too... it is a very good 13 part youtube series from Dr. Ray Mathis. Lots of good stuff throughout but part 4 is more in depth about REBT and Unconditional Self Acceptance. I had to weed through my book marks to find it, cuz I figured I'd post it here on the forum somewhere... but I don't think I ever did: Ray Mathis

 

[Chiqui]

@The Albatross , thanks so much for the information and links. I am checking them right now :):hug:

 

[Teasel]

Sometimes, it helps me to remind myself I'm on my side now. Sometimes that can be enough to let me slip back into a self supporting stance. Or when out and about and socially anxious, to send myself a supportive text. Gives me something to do and helps me slip back into a self supportive stance.

Sometimes comparing the inner critic to the daily mail (horrid fascist misoginistic newspaper) ridiculing the inner critic feels really freeing.

Have you ever found anything helpful @Chiqui ?

 

[ms spock]

Kristin Neff's website on Self Compassion was really helpful for me. I did have a severe bounceback and my self hatred did flare up when I started, and my suicidal ideation really reared it's ugly head. So I had to go softly, softly and I really struggled with it. So I did mini miney little itty bitty pieces of it.

 

[Deleted member 44517]

@Bearlinda
I had a good laugh at the daily mail comment. I think I will try that technique myself.

 

[Chiqui]

@Bearlinda . I love the daily mail idea. Definitly I Will try that one.

 

[Chiqui]

@Bearlinda , you asked me Have you ever found anything helpful @Chiqui? I have been thinking about It. Recently I got an app named Pacífica. It helps me to be aware of my thoughts and aims, calms me down, too. To be back on track when all is foggy. Also helps me to check up how I am feeling, something I used to ignore.
Yes, It is a good tool.

 

[saraemerald]

@Chiqui I have problems with this too.
I find it helpful to understand where this self-rejecting attitude is coming from. Sometimes our friends or family can make it hard to accept ourselves for who we are. Past abuse or negative messages to us from others doesn't ever help.
What really helps me, when I have anxiety or I am not feeling well, I will come on this forum or take out my own journal and write about what is making me angry or sad and it helps release emotions. When we release these emotions about painful events in our lives, it can help us understand why we are hurting ourselves or acting out. Often times we realize it is because someone or some group or something has hurt us so badly that we didn't even have the right words or strength to defend ourselves so we end up taking out that pain on ourselves.
When we realize how hurt we were, then we can start to have more self-compassion for ourselves, right? And then the negative thoughts towards ourselves, start to go away.
We don't deserve to hurt ourselves. We deserve to be respected as another human being.

 

[bento]

Wow all, these ideas sound really good. This is my number one issue. When I get triggered
the negative, self hating inner critic becomes inflamed and it gets pretty overwhelming.
What I found with therapy was that this part of me, this inner voice, was an essential part of
my survival. My adoptive mother was extremely abusive towards me, (it was like living with
Jack Nicholson's character from the The Shining, thankfully sans axe). If I had struck back
at her I would have likely been killed. So sometimes, at the time of trauma these negative
voices can serve a purpose. I think that in my case it's been part of the reason it's been
so hard to give up even though it no longer serves the same purpose and is insanely destructive.

Going out in the world, I was a weird mix of a naive people pleaser and yet still wary. I got
involved with abusive type people and this horrible inner voice kept me "safe" because I
blamed myself for years and didn't confront them. Things got a whole lot worse when I got
stronger and stop putting up with the abuse. A whole lot worse. Anyone who says it takes
two to tango with an abuser, doesn't know what they're talking about.

So learning to stop putting myself in harms' way was an important first step. I'm excited to
try these suggestions on how to take the next step and combat this inner abuser's voice.
Besides PTSD, it's the worst part of dealing with a long term abuser. I've been dealing with
PTSD for years and when I'm triggered this voice still comes roaring back to life. It can take
on a demented life of it's own.

 

[saraemerald]

And if we are have strong feelings

Wow all, these ideas sound really good. This is my number one issue. When I get triggered
the negative,...

I'm sorry you went through that. We learn to shut down and blame ourselves because we have no one to help us and no where to go and safest way for us to cope when we are little is to shut down. It is so hard to finally do the opposite and start standing up for ourselves, especially when it is a new way of being for us and our abusers and other people know this and pick up on it and try to shut us down again. Now those kind of people make me so angry and piss me off. I find when I tap into this anger and get it all out, and allowing myself to be angry, I feel so much better after.
Now I find myself sticking up for myself more often now and being able to voice a more of my own opinions about things as well as communicating more about issues that need to be heard. It's very awarding.

 

[ms spock]

This is my number one issue. When I get triggered
the negative, self hating inner critic becomes inflamed and it gets pretty overwhelming.
...So sometimes, at the time of trauma these negative
voices can serve a purpose. I think that in my case it's been part of the reason it's been
so hard to give up even though it no longer serves the same purpose and is insanely destructive.

I stayed alive but it made me so small and invisible and frozen.

Going out in the world, I was a weird mix of a naive people pleaser and yet still wary. I got
involved with abusive type people and this horrible inner voice kept me "safe" because I
blamed myself for years and didn't confront them.

That doesn't make it easy.

Things got a whole lot worse when I got
stronger and stop putting up with the abuse.

For me this was done to me by my psychologists, and I got severely traumatised.

So learning to stop putting myself in harms' way was an important first step.

It is a big one, and I don't quite trust myself to do this, because I can get suckered in so easily.

I'm excited to try these suggestions on how to take the next step and combat this inner abuser's voice.

Tips for practice - Self-Compassion it can get worse when you start, and there is, for some people, ironically more pain at the beginning. So tread carefully.

I've been dealing with PTSD for years and when I'm triggered this voice still comes roaring back to life. It can take
on a demented life of it's own.

Yes (unfortunately)