Death How do you process grief?

[barefoot]

I don’t know if this is too big and general a question but I’m stuck. Also aware I’m asking lots of questions about processing across the forum today...feeling stuck all round...!

My mum died five months ago. It was very unexpected and sudden. None of us - including her - knew that something was seriously wrong. She got up to go to the loo one evening and didn’t ever make it back from the bathroom. She just died in there. It was a devastating shock to receive that phone call from my dad the next morning.

I don’t really want to talk about her. Not with my partner, not with my dad and sistaer, not with my therapist....mainly because I don’t want to get upset, I suppose. Also also because I don’t see how it helps.

If I know I feel really, really sad that she is gone...I’m not sure what difference it’s supposed to make to tell someone else that. What would change? How would that help me?

I’m also not thinking about her much. When she pops into my head, I now tend to get momentarily teary and then the thought is gone again, really quickly.

Most nights, I dream of her in some way. With a few exceptions, the dreams have tended to be the same few scenarios:
- in the dream I know that she is dying and that she could just die at any moment so I feel that I have to be really careful with her...presumably so that I don’t accidentally kill her as she is so fragile
- in the dream I know she has already died and yet she is there...so she has somehow come back...but the point of the dream isn’t that it’s a miraculous resurrection because that part seems normal in the dream...the focus seems to be that she has already died once so could die again at any moment so, again, the onus is on me having to be careful with her and I have to spend as much time as I can with her
- we are doing something quite mundane eg both in the car together going nowhere in particular and I vaguely know in the read that she is dead and yet she is still there and things feel normal.
- in the dream my mum is fine but she is telling me that someone else eg my dad or my partner has died and we are both devastated and crying and hugging each other.
- my mum isn’t in the dream but she has died and other people in the dream are talking about her and the loss and are trying to comfort me
- my mum is alive in the dream and everything is just normal...easy...and then I wake up and the realisation that she is actually dead is a massive shock all over again.

I don’t think it’s weird that I’m dreaming about her. It’s a pretty major thing and has obviously been on my mind a lot these past few months, so I think it’s very normal and understandable that she’s in my dreams.

It’s just so often. So many times in a week...often a few different ones a night. It has been this way since the funeral but I think the dreams have also become more vivid since I started taking melatonin a few weeks ago. They're hard and painful dreams because, even the ones that aren’t actually sad in themselves - they may even feel quite comforting in the moment, in the dream - are painful on waking...I am finding it hard to shake them off. Last night, one of the dreams involved her being really angry with me and shouting and I couldn’t get her to listen, she was just so furious with me and didn’t want to be near me. Mostly they aren’t like that. But that has been very hard to shake off today...I have felt very low and teary...

I’m wondering whether not talking about her and not thinking about her much is biting me on the arse. It feels like my brain is in overdrive trying to process when I’m asleep. But that’s really disrupting my sleep and leaving me feeling untested and then I’m just getting caught in this cycle of sort of getting shocked all over again every time I wake from one of the harder ones.

I’m wondering whether I should be aiming to process more consciously so that it’s not all leaking out when I’m asleep.

But what would that mean/look like if I was actively engaging in processing the loss/my grief?
How does one actually do it??

I definitely don’t want to discuss it with my family. Or my partner really. I texted her this morning to tell her about the dreams and that was ok but I really don’t want to actually talk about it. If I’m going to talk to anyone, it would be my T. But I don’t know how to do it or how it might help. She knows the detail of what happened and she has nudged to encourage me to talk about the impact on me a few times. Each time I changed the subject.

I don’t want to talk about it. But I can’t bear the dreams anymore either.

Sorry this is so long. I feel really lost and not in a great place with it at the moment ?

 

[scout86]

I’m wondering whether not talking about her and not thinking about her much is biting me on the arse.

That kind of makes sense. It was a big deal. Somehow, your brain feels the need to make sense of it. I'm honestly not sure how "normal people" deal with this sort of thing. Why are you avoiding talking about it with your T? Do you know?

 

[barefoot]

Why are you avoiding talking about it with your T?

Partly because I don’t want to get upset. I don't want to feel exposed and to not feel contained and to not feel in control of myself and my feelings.

Also because I just honestly don’t know what I’m supposed to say and how it’s supposed to help.

I could go in and tell her about these dreams...but then what? What’s that actually for??

Or I could say I feel really sad about it. That I still feel so shocked. That I miss her. But, again, what else would I say about that? And what difference does it make if I tell her or not?

I really struggle with this in therapy in general. I think I am missing the major point of therapy. Because I don’t get what I’m supposed to say/do after I’ve told her what’s happened.

 

[scout86]

Also because I just honestly don’t know what I’m supposed to say and how it’s supposed to help.

I feel the same way about a lot of things and have the same problem. It's something we've discussed in sessions and my T seems to get it. He doesn't seem bothered by it either, which helps. He likes to talk, so, if I say that I don't know what to say, he does a pretty good job of guiding the conversation in useful directions. (And it's usually a direction I wouldn't have thought of on my own.)

The dreams might be worth talking about. They mean SOMETHING. I'm not sure what. Somewhere inside, you probably DO know what they mean, you're just not aware of it yet. Talking about it might help you sort it out.

Have you tried writing about the dreams, or your thoughts and feelings about your mother's death? Sometimes that helps. (I hope you get some replies from people who actually understand this stuff! I dropped in to read the thread, not because I have any answers, but because I have a lot of questions.)

 

[barefoot]

Thanks @scout86 - I appreciate your reply.

I used to journal a lot but haven’t for quite a while. So, no...I haven’t written anything about the dreams or my mum’s death beyond what I’ve written here on the forum.

I guess I could write something on the train to T this week. I don’t know what to write any more than I know what to say! But I suppose if I sit there with a pen in my hand for long enough, something will come...

My partner says that if I don’t talk about it, I don’t know how talking about it might help. I suppose she has a point ?

Usually, when something is feeling really difficult, I wait for it to settle down and then mention it to T retrospectively. Perhaps that’s the wrong way round. It’s my birthday this week and I’ll be seeing my family so things are probably a bit stirred up. So, perhaps this is when I should be writing/talking about it. It’s just quite a scary thought...

 

[scout86]

When I want to write, and don't know what to write, I often start by writing that i don't know what to write. (I'd never get past staring the page otherwise!) I can see where your birthday would stir things up. It's a "first", you know? First birthday without her.

 

[Lionheart]

I recently suffered the painful loss of my sister. I found that talking to her, out loud, on paper, or in my online journal, was helpful in processing my feelings, (about her passing). Just being honest with whatever it is one is thinking and feeling becomes a very cathartic way of expressing oneself about the loved ones demise. I too often start by saying that I don't know what to say and then I just take it from there. I hope you find that you are soon healing and find talking or writing to be helpful.

 

[pam4him]

So sorry for your loss and the struggle it has created. It sounds as though your mind is trying to tell you to work through the grief, not ignore or hold it in. It kind of sounds like you may be feeling some guilt about her death, which was not your fault. Often people feel regrets for things undone while their loved one was alive. I recently lost a dear friend. I got the call 1 hour before I was going to see her at the hospital. I am struggling a bit myself with the regret of not visiting her sooner. It does help to talk with others, but you need to feel safe with whom you talk to. Everyone sounds concerned about you stuffing your grief rather than working through it. Take care of yourself. Prayers for peace on this journey.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I don’t know if this is too big and general a question but I’m stuck. Also aware I’m asking lots of questions about processing across the forum today...feeling stuck all round...!

My mum died five months ago. It was very unexpected and sudden. None of us - including her - knew that something was seriously wrong. She got up to go to the loo one evening and didn’t ever make it back from the bathroom. She just died in there. It was a devastating shock to receive that phone call from my dad the next morning.

I don’t really want to talk about her. Not with my partner, not with my dad and sistaer, not with my therapist....mainly because I don’t want to get upset, I suppose. Also also because I don’t see how it helps.

If I know I feel really, really sad that she is gone...I’m not sure what difference it’s supposed to make to tell someone else that. What would change? How would that help me?

I’m also not thinking about her much. When she pops into my head, I now tend to get momentarily teary and then the thought is gone again, really quickly.

Most nights, I dream of her in some way. With a few exceptions, the dreams have tended to be the same few scenarios:
- in the dream I know that she is dying and that she could just die at any moment so I feel that I have to be really careful with her...presumably so that I don’t accidentally kill her as she is so fragile
- in the dream I know she has already died and yet she is there...so she has somehow come back...but the point of the dream isn’t that it’s a miraculous resurrection because that part seems normal in the dream...the focus seems to be that she has already died once so could die again at any moment so, again, the onus is on me having to be careful with her and I have to spend as much time as I can with her
- we are doing something quite mundane eg both in the car together going nowhere in particular and I vaguely know in the read that she is dead and yet she is still there and things feel normal.
- in the dream my mum is fine but she is telling me that someone else eg my dad or my partner has died and we are both devastated and crying and hugging each other.
- my mum isn’t in the dream but she has died and other people in the dream are talking about her and the loss and are trying to comfort me
- my mum is alive in the dream and everything is just normal...easy...and then I wake up and the realisation that she is actually dead is a massive shock all over again.

I don’t think it’s weird that I’m dreaming about her. It’s a pretty major thing and has obviously been on my mind a lot these past few months, so I think it’s very normal and understandable that she’s in my dreams.

It’s just so often. So many times in a week...often a few different ones a night. It has been this way since the funeral but I think the dreams have also become more vivid since I started taking melatonin a few weeks ago. They're hard and painful dreams because, even the ones that aren’t actually sad in themselves - they may even feel quite comforting in the moment, in the dream - are painful on waking...I am finding it hard to shake them off. Last night, one of the dreams involved her being really angry with me and shouting and I couldn’t get her to listen, she was just so furious with me and didn’t want to be near me. Mostly they aren’t like that. But that has been very hard to shake off today...I have felt very low and teary...

I’m wondering whether not talking about her and not thinking about her much is biting me on the arse. It feels like my brain is in overdrive trying to process when I’m asleep. But that’s really disrupting my sleep and leaving me feeling untested and then I’m just getting caught in this cycle of sort of getting shocked all over again every time I wake from one of the harder ones.

I’m wondering whether I should be aiming to process more consciously so that it’s not all leaking out when I’m asleep.

But what would that mean/look like if I was actively engaging in processing the loss/my grief?
How does one actually do it??

I definitely don’t want to discuss it with my family. Or my partner really. I texted her this morning to tell her about the dreams and that was ok but I really don’t want to actually talk about it. If I’m going to talk to anyone, it would be my T. But I don’t know how to do it or how it might help. She knows the detail of what happened and she has nudged to encourage me to talk about the impact on me a few times. Each time I changed the subject.

I don’t want to talk about it. But I can’t bear the dreams anymore either.

Sorry this is so long. I feel really lost and not in a great place with it at the moment ?

Lost my dad a few months ago. Was unable to say goodbye- couldn’t be there in time. I did two things. Had a bonfire w s’mores and wrote what I would have said- with one trusting friend. Second, took a shamantic mindwalk, found my compassionate helping spirit, and asked if he had crossed over and was safe and happy. I was given an affirmative my answer in my shamantic journey. Both of these things helped the grieving process for me. Good luck.

 

[HealingInProcess]

I agree that writing (or drawing or other creative expression) might be helpful to get your feelings out of you and on to the page. It would help provide some tangible form to something that is currently intangible (your feelings).

 

[mamachick]

I think everyone deals with grief differently. I think it makes sense that is coming out through dreams since you are avoiding thoughts when you are awake. I think telling your therapist about it and letting T help guide you is a great idea. Also, I don't think there is any way you are "suppose" to feel or think. Whatever it is, its normal for you. We always have feelings about death and they don't always make sense. My mother died after 2 yrs in nursing home and it was expected and a relief in the sense that she was no longer suffering. We had closure before and my grief was minimal. My 12 yr old dog died and I saw him failing, I had horrible grief (he was a big part of our family for all those years). My sister was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died in 5 weeks in 2015, I feel like I am still grieving. I likely feel some guilt there that I won't go in to. I have dreams about her frequently and wake up wanting to call her. (she is alive in my dreams). I miss her a lot. I would share with T and let her guide you through this and just see what happens.

PS-I thinks its important to share while its happening rather than after the fact. Thats what T is there for, the here and now.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks for the replies and sorry it's taken me a while to respond. I have been reading replies as you all posted them...I've just felt a bit overwhelmed and unfocused to be able to really engage/reply until now.

It sounds as though your mind is trying to tell you to work through the grief, not ignore or hold it in.

Yes...I'm thinking this is probably the case too...

It kind of sounds like you may be feeling some guilt about her death, which was not your fault.

Hmm...I'm not sure...I don't feel wracked with guilt or feel like I could have done anything that would have had a different outcome.

I was going to call her the day she died but then didn't because I took a work call instead and then thought I'd call her the next day. Of course, that opportunity never then arrived because I got a call from my dad early the next morning telling me that she had died. Do I feel guilty about that? A little... But I'm not in a really bad place with that because I know that, if I *had* called her when I was going to, she was actually having a nap at that time. So, if I had gone ahead and called her that afternoon, I would have woken her up and then she may well have been a bit grouchy with me! As it was, the last time I spoke to her was a couple of weeks before she died, which was a longer time than we would usually have gone without being in touch...Part of me now would have liked me to have spoken to her more recently. But, for me, the most important thing is that, that conversation two weeks before was a really lovely, warm, fun conversation. She could sometimes be a bit short on the phone so I am pleased that our last call was a relaxed, enjoyable conversation and I am thankful for that and think that is much more preferable than if I'd spoken to her the day before she passed away and she'd have been snappy and I'd have got irritated!

I guess I am having some thoughts that I maybe should have seen her more often because I know she would have liked to see me more. Again, it's not a major guilt and I'm not giving myself a hard time about it. I basically had to balance arranging to spend time with my family with protecting myself a little bit from family dynamics, which I sometimes found stressful and upsetting. So, I think I did the best I could in terms of finding that balance. Now, of course, she has suddenly died, which has been a major shock, so I think it's understandable that some small regrets have crept in. Because hindsight is a wonderful thing, right?? But I know that seeing my family much more often would have likely been detrimental to me, so not really a viable option...

I am struggling a bit myself with the regret of not visiting her sooner.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend and sorry for your loss. I think these twinges of regret we feel are understandable as we experience the loss and grief. But I definitely don't think you or I did anything "wrong" in these situations. They are examples of wishful thinking, I think...me calling my mum instead of doing the work call or me seeing her more often or you going to your friend sooner...those things wouldn't have ultimately changed any outcome...and they may not have made anything feel better or easier....they could possibly have made things harder.

I remember when I was a teenager, my cousin – who was only seven – died shortly after Christmas. He had cancer, so we all knew he was very poorly but we didn't realise that his death was certain let alone imminent. My parents and I went to visit him in hospital over the Christmas holiday. My sister didn't come with us – she went out with her friends instead. He passed away a few days later. My sister felt incredibly guilty that she hadn't come with us to visit him. If she had known that would be the last chance she would have to see him again, she would definitely have been there. But none of us did know that. And I did go and see him...and I kind of wished I hadn't. It was awful. I was haunted by the look on his face in that hospital bed for years afterwards. It's still something I find very difficult to think about let alone talk about.

We can always think of something that we maybe could have done differently if we'd have had a crystal ball. Doesn't mean things would have turned out better in any way.

Everyone sounds concerned about you stuffing your grief rather than working through it.

I suppose my T and my partner maybe feel this way. Well, my partner definitely thinks I should "talk about it." My T keeps emphasising that grief is a very private process and that there is no right or wrong way to do it and that there is no judgement from her...yet I think she thinks that we should talk about it.

Lost my dad a few months ago. Was unable to say goodbye- couldn’t be there in time. I

I'm really sorry for your loss @Wilbur – and really glad to hear that you found a couple of ways of finding peace and comfort during such a sad time.

I think it makes sense that is coming out through dreams since you are avoiding thoughts when you are awake

Yes, me too.

I think telling your therapist about it and letting T help guide you is a great idea.

Last week, I took a brainstorm of lots of current stressors to talk about with her and the dreams about my mum were on it. We had a really good session and got more into everything on the page than I expected, including the dreams about my mum. T suggested that I think about which area I'd like to spend some time focussing on first...then let slip that she thought we should start with my mum because we haven't really talked about that in terms of the impact of the shock and the trauma on me.

So, I'm sort of back to square one of when I wrote this post really! What's the point in telling someone? And what's the difference between telling someone and me processing stuff?! Or maybe there isn't really a difference in this context?!

I still really don't want to talk about my mum. But feel like perhaps I should try in my next session, as that's what my T seems to think would be the most important/useful focus point at the moment. I hope she will guide me because I don't know what to say. And the thought of getting upset and not being or feeling composed/contained is pretty horrendous. But I want these dreams to stop...

I thinks its important to share while its happening rather than after the fact. Thats what T is there for, the here and now.

I'll try to do this.