General How Do You React, When Your Partner Goes Mad?

[myvetswife]

Hi,
My hubby is an army veteran. We are married over 18 years. It took us 16 years to find out, that he has combat PTSD.

I would like to know, how others react, what do you do, when your partner is acting strange, is going mad shouting ect?

I feel helpless most of the time and can't do anything.

 

[amethist]

The last time my husband got into a really bad state like this, he was shouting and having a go at me because he was angry at having PTSD.

I just got changed, went out and left him to it, he crossed the boundary, and I was not having any of it. To say he was stunned at what I did is an understatement.

I came back a few hours later to him full of apologies.

There have been a few minor times since, then I just walked away, as he was just wanting an argument for the sake of it. Though he has shouted after me with things like "Yea run away, when you know your wrong." :rolleyes: Nope run away before I hit him more like.

So if it is aimed at you try and walk away, if it's something else, go into another room and let him blow himself out. Thats if you can.

When he has calmed down and it has all passed, maybe try and see if he knows why he started shouting. It could be just frustration of having PTSD sometimes.

 

[myvetswife]

The problem is, that I just stand there often and can't move. He sometimes has a go at our son. And I just feel like grabbing him and just leave the situation but can I just grab him?

I feel like I'm leaving my body and can't move cos of that

 

[Srain]

I agree with Amethist, if things are that out of control do NOT take it!

There is no reason for you or your son to become part of the trauma situation or his symptoms. If he is unable to remove himself or apply any techniques your staying and taking what certainly comes down to abusive behaviour is doing him or yourself and son no good.

As a Survivor, when my husband gets quiet or leaves the room it does give me pause and helps me to check myself. Like Amethist, (or I thought anyway) he even left the house, I was devastated. I realized just how out of whack I had become needed to re-evaluated exactly where I was. It has to be a team effort for us in order to get through this. I hope you are getting extra support for yourself as well.

Take good care.
peace,
Rain

 

[myvetswife]

Thanks for your answers. How can I stop to "freeze". Is it cos I am scared what happens when I go out? I always feel guilty when a situation like that happens.

 

[living4jesus]

I agree with Amethist.

I have learned to leave the situation. It is establishing boundaries and it works. I notice if I argue back or "feed the monster" I call it, then it just turns into a heated arguement. It is best to not feed into it and to walk away or leave the situation completley. :)

 

[IvyMillie]

Yes, it seems like it would be good to just leave the situation. If you stay you are allowing him to vent onto you which is then detrimental. Leaving is a good way to protect yourself and to protect your relationship from further damage.

If you feel frozen, maybe try to visualize in your mind what you will do. Try to think ahead of time what you will do. Even act it out if you need to. Practice going through the motions. Picture him being mad and your quietly, calmly getting your son and leaving. Plan where you will go for just an hour. Go to the library, go get an ice cream or something like that.

Maybe you could even tell him ahead of time that you won't be staying around, so it's not meant to be mean on your part, but a matter of self-preservation

They often don't understand how their behavior really hurts others. He will adjust to your leaving and he will probably try to control his emotions more in the future.

 

[myvetswife]

I'm just afraid, that when I leave something bad will happen. We had an argument before, just before we splitt up but were still living together, an I left. He phoned me shouting and yelling. I left our son at my mothers, cos I had a bad feeling. It was good. Cos he tried to commit su*ci*d in front of my eyes. Maybe I "freeze" cos of that?

 

[Navy Spouse]

It sounds like the reason you freeze probably is due to you returning home to find your husband trying to harm himself.

I like IvyMillies idea of talking about it ahead of time. If you can explain to him at a calm moment how it makes you feel when an outburst happens. Tell him you understand at times its going to happen and you feel the best thing for all of you is to take your son and leave for a short time. Explain you just want to give him time to cool down and you know he doesn't mean the things he says during those moments.

If he knows ahead of time that you will only be leaving for a short time it takes the question out of his mind about what you're doing when you leave and if you'll return.

 

[myvetswife]

Yes, thanks, thats a good point, I never saw up to now. I tried to bring the conversation on that yesterday but will talk to him some other time about that again. Thanks

 

[IvyMillie]

I think that they just have a hard time seeing how deeply it affects us. This is hard to bring up because I know that they have guilt and you don't want to make him feel necessarily super bad about it or he might get defensive. However, he needs to understand how much harm he is causing you.

It seems like your leaving may be some kind of trigger. Could you reassure him that you will return in an hour after he has calmed down? Or if he won't let you leave could you go into another room and close the door for an hour?

Also, as to bringing up a subject this can be very challenging.
Situations that have worked for me:
After dinner when he is relaxed and work wasn't stressful.
When he is doing something so he is slightly distracted and less likely to get defensive.
When we have talked a bit about Vietnam, then I will say something about PTSD and open up the subject.
On the telephone when he is at work, he is sometimes more open minded on the phone if it is a touchy subject.

Additionally, men don't like it when you go on and on (what us women like to do). Keep it really short. Let him make the decision of what he is comfortable with and if it is agreeable to him. Try to make it not super serious.

Then with my husband I may have to remind him much later what we agreed upon in a casual type of setting. This is to make sure he really agreed to it and that it is discussible. If not it will be an argument later.

This sounds kind of funny all that one must go through, however, it's worth it to work things out. As you can tell it's not very easy for me to bring things up to my husband. It has gotten easier since he admits to having PTSD most of the time.

I sure hope it goes well for you. I feel bad for you going through that.

 

[Eleanor]

I agree with all Ivy said. My husband and I have agreements about what to do - and I try to stay very calm and say "we agreed that in this situation I would. So I am going to do just as we agreed." That's what I do IF I manage to notice that he is having and episode and don't fall into my own dumb patterns.

Everyone knows about "fight or flight" responses - but there is actually a third aspect "freeze". It sounds like watching him try to hurt himself was very traumatic for you. Have you gotten some help working through that? In the meantime the only way I know to circumvent the "freeze" is to practice doing something else. Imagine it and actually play it out. Or role play with a friend.

IMHO you need to get your son out of there when husband is out of control.

I am glad he is getting help - make sure you and your son get some too. You all deserve to be taken care of and healed. Take good care of yourself.