How Do You Recover?

[stuff]

I recently ended a relationship I was having with a guy for various reasons.

I been through a lot. I've survived a really bad prior relationship, but this one last one is hitting me harder than I expected.

It wasn't abusive or disrespectful in any other way, but he stated that he didn't realize that my ptsd would be so stressful and that he didn't think my words counted when I was triggered. These were things I couldn't shake coupled with a few other red flags.

I ended the relationship. I think I can eventually shake off the relationship, but I'm having a much harder time shaking off the the sense of shame I now have for having ptsd.

I feel I manage it well. I've taken years of therapy. I don't take myself out on others and yet I still apparently effect people negatively no matter what I do. On top of that, being told that my words don't count when i'm triggered made me feel like I would never be take seriously when I was genuinely angry.

I'm wandering around feeling like there's no point in ever trying to have a relationship ever again if I make someone's life so horrible. This is a really hard thing to process. I was as open and up front about my issues as possible.

 

[rightkindofme]

Well, it may be that for this fellow he has the opinion that your words don't count when you are triggered. There are folks out there who have different opinions.

I didn't believe I would ever find someone to like me. Miracles do occur. I had to kiss many dozens of frogs though. I think I got a few warts.

 

[Delta62]

As a guy, I would try to step back and really examine the situation. As a trauma survivor, I can relate to what feels like to being put underneath a microscope. On the flip side, men and women experience situations differently; I do want to commend you on doing what you had to do to take care of yourself. Don't give up and realize you are worth something. As far as how to recover, it's one day at a time.

 

[stuff]

Thanks guys.

 

[Loner]

That might just be a weird way of him saying he was doing his best to not take things you would say personally when he knew you were not in a calm and clear headed mental state. I think if you feel shame at having ptsd, that shame most likely existed in some way before you met this guy.

 

[saffy]

he didn't think my words counted when I was triggered. These were things I couldn't shake coupled with a few other red flags.

Hi Stuff

I am confused about this. Can I ask what happens when you get triggered? do you get really anxious and your head starts racing with negative thoughts? I only ask because I would think this would make you say some irrational things when triggered. I do myself. I wondered if it were the same for you.

If so, would it not be best for him to not take some things you say to heart when you are triggered? It would take further communication for you to tell him you are either angry about something or triggered by something. There might be a difference on how it makes you feel and think and behave?

I am not saying you have to rethink your relationship, you might even what to remain friends. :)

What is important is for you not to feel that your PTSD is shameful. It helps to accept that sometimes there are things that might trigger you and that will affect the way you feel and considering the trauma it is a warranted way of self protection. But it also helps to recognise that these are different feelings to those when you are angry or upset about something, or even happy and content, for instance. :)

I hope you can get past those feelings and allow yourself some peace and happiness and allow them to take responsibility for their own thoughts and misunderstandings. It is not your fault or a reflection on you, it is a reflection of a man who finds certain things stressful.

Somebody else might not, they might be more mature or understanding or are a calmer person. You have to be ready for a relationship and know who and what you want. Everyone deserves someone special in their lives, including you, and there will be someone who will accept the PTSD just like you do. :)

BE happy Stuff you deserve it. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[stuff]

Thanks Saffy. That does make a lot of sense. I think that's a pretty good description of what goes on. And I do hope to remain friends with him. I think it's mainly the frustration of being told how awful my ptsd is to be around and that I shouldn't respond the way I respond to certain triggers. I know my reactions to certain stimuli don't make sense to other people sometimes, but I feel like I can explain amygdala response until I'm blue in the face, but me crumpling up into a ball when someone unexpectedly pulls my hair is still seen as a manipulation. It's horrible to think that someone would think I was trying to make them feel bad when I'm just trying to get through something awful.

 

[Abstract]

Hi,
I am sorry you find yourself in this situation and understand why it has set off feeling of shame about having PTSD. It is hard to be struggling oneself let alone then having someone say ones troubles are too difficult to deal with.

I do agree with Saffy though. It is easy to start thinking every relationship will be this way and every partner feel siimilarly but that isn't true. People and relationships are all unique

You say that it has been assumed that you were being manipulative when disintegrating in response to having your hair pulled. Did this exact situation happen with your ex? If you feel able then would you share what exactly each of you said?

 

[stuff]

Abstract, he accidentally pulled my hair very hard. I had a full body reaction to it before I could even process it. It was something my mother had done to me often as a child. I screamed, curled up in a ball and started crying. I apologized immediately and tried to reassure him as much as possible during the situation that it wasn't his fault and I thought we had worked it out, but he brought it up later and I felt absolutely awful about it.

 

[stuff]

But I already feel awful enough about being triggered, especially around another person.
Knowing how much stress I cause because of it, makes me feel like it's not worth involving another person in my life.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think it's dangerous to generalize one persons reaction to everyone.

This guy just didn't "get it". But that doesn't mean others won't be more understanding.

Honestly, you reacted to an unexpected trigger and apologized for it. An understanding person would be able to let it go. The fact that he brought it up again later indicates that perhaps he just wasn't suited to being a PTSD supporter. Not everyone is.

 

[saffy]

HI Stuff,

Knowing how much stress I cause because of it, makes me feel like it's not worth involving another person in my life

I have to say you are taking far to much responsibility for him and anyone else you might meet. It could be you are projecting your feelings onto others too.

You have apologised and even tried to explain yourself over and over again. I find trying to get through or trying not to upset someone all the time made me more anxious.

It helps to learn that you have to expect them to accept that some things trigger and that you do not have to keep protecting them or explaining yourself or allow them to make it a big deal, which probably makes it worse.

Putting pressure on you emotionally is unfair. You have to let them control their own emotions. If they are unable then they just are not compatible with what you are looking for, that's life, not every one is going to be.

I think this is why we learn what makes us feel secure with someone or follow our instincts and agree that sometimes you find flaws in a person you thought you knew well. If these flaws make you feel shameful, insecure and always apologetic then you can choose whether these flaws are worth putting up with or is a relationship supposed to be mutually understanding and respectful? When you find someone that makes you feel like this you will know because those negative feelings will not be there.

Accept your triggers are not easy to control sometimes but you are still a wonderful person and with the right reaction you will feel safer if triggered through correct reassurance and support and there are men out there capable of that. I promise :)

Be kind to yourself and try to give yourself a break from inner conflict :hug:

best wishes
Saffy :)